But speaking of dumb things,
my mom calls me even now.
She's always worried about me.
I'm 34 years old, and she's still
worried about me.
Any time there is a shooting
in Chicago, she'll call me.
She'll be like, "Vikram,
"I just saw the news.
"There was a shooting in Chicago.
"I hope you wouldn't do it."
(audience laughing)
So I'm like, ma, why would you think
I did it?
She's like, "oh, no,
"this mentally disturbed guy went
"and bought a gun,
"and he shot seven kids,
"and I know how much you hate kids."
(audience laughing)
And my mom did one thing which
messed up my childhood,
and this is a true story.
My mom she always wanted me
to be a girl.
Before I was born.
Before I was born, not after.
(audience laughing)
Because before me, it was--
before me it was all guys,
and she badly wanted a daughter.
So the minute I was born,
she was very disappointed.
But that did not stop my mom
from doing whatever she wanted
to do if I was a girl.
When I was eight years old,
she made me dress as a girl
all the way.
The clothes, the ear rings,
the dress, the shoes, the nose ring,
and then the bindi.
And obviously I didn't want to be
dressed up as a girl,
and I don't think there is anything
wrong if you want to dress up
as a girl, but I just didn't want to.
So I kept crying through out.
She was like, "Vikram, stop crying.
"You can be a girl for one day.
"It's OK.
"Stop crying.
"You're ruining your makeup."
(audience laughing)
And then they did all of it,
and they took a picture of it,
and then they framed that picture
and kept it in my living room.
(audience laughing)
That picture haunted me for 15 years
because anybody comes home
they'll be like, "hey, who's this girl?"
My mom will be, oh, that is Vikram.
(audience laughing)
He likes to dress up as a girl.
Tell them, tell them.
Show them, show them.
(audience laughing)
Like, "ma, what's wrong with you?"
So one day this couple came home,
and they didn't know my parents that
well, and there was nobody home
but me that day.
And this guy saw the picture,
and he was like, "hey,
"who's this girl?"
I don't know what it was.
I think it was all the frustration
and anger.
I was like, oh, that's my sister,
and eight years back, she passed
away in a car accident.
(audience laughing)
He was like, "I didn't know.
"Your sister, she looked so
"beautiful."
Then I go, thank you.
(audience laughing)
I mean, I don't want to be dressed
up as a girl,
but I'll take a compliment.
(audience laughing)
And then he was like, "hey,
"what happened?"
I'm like, hey, it was a really bad
accident.
My parents were in the front.
My sister was in the back.
A truck got them from behind.
My parents don't like to talk
about it.
He's like, "oh, OK.
"Let's not talk about it then.
"I'm so sorry that it happened."
And then I was like, OK,
any other questions?
He was like, "no, let's not talk
"about it."
And then right when
I was saying all this,
guess who decided to show up?
My mom.
And this lady who came with this guy
through the conversation
didn't say a word, a single word.
The minute she saw my mom,
she starts breaking down.
She's like--
(sniffling)
She points to the picture.
She's like--
(sniffling)
"How did this happen?"
(audience laughing)
You idiot, I just told you
how it happened?
Car accident eight years back.
My parents were in the front.
My sister was in the back.
A truck got them from behind.
I even asked you if you had
any questions.
And then my mom was like,
"what happened?
"What happened?"
She was like, no, no, no.
Vikram told me not to talk about it.
(audience laughing)
I'm like, this is how you don't talk
about it?
And at that point, I knew I'm dead--
(audience laughing)
because my mom, even though she
loves me, she used to beat me.
My dad never used to touch me,
but my mom used to beat all of us.
And for making up a sister who
passed away in a car accident,
she would murder me.
So I was like, "mom, come
"into the other room.
"I'll tell you what happened."
I took her in the other room,
and I was like, ma,
you know how much that picture
has bothered me?
She's like, "Vikram, just tell me
"what happened."
I was like, ma, that lady saw
that picture, and that reminded her
of her dead daughter.
(audience laughing)
Eight years back, she passed away
in a car accident.
(audience laughing)
My mom was like, "oh, I didn't know."
I'm like, yeah, it was a really bad
accident.
They were in the front.
My sister was in the back--
I mean, I mean, the girl who looks
like me when I'm dressed up
as a girl was in the back.
A truck got them from behind.
My mom was like,
"oh, enough, enough.
"I don't want to know."
I'm like, OK, if you have
any questions, ask me right now.
My mom said, "OK, OK, let's not talk
"about it."
Then my mom and I come out,
and no one says anything for
20 seconds.
And I'm scared, nervous, frightened,
anxious.
I know these are all synonyms,
but I was feeling all this
at the same time
because if anyone says anything
off script, even a bit,
it's all going to come crashing
like a house of cards.
(audience laughing)
Then the guy looks at the picture.
He looks at me.
He looks at the picture.
He looks at me.
He looks at the picture,
then he's like, "you look a lot
"like her."
I'm like, he didn't say,
your sister.
I was like, OK, good choice
of words.
And then this lady starts breaking
down again, and this guy goes
sits next to the lady.
He puts his hand around her.
He's like, hey, it's OK.
I understand.
And then looking at all of this,
my mom also starts breaking down.
She's a very emotional person.
She always wanted a girl.
So she also starts breaking down.
And then the lady looks at my mom,
and she's like, "I understand."
And my mom looks at the lady,
and my mom is like, no, no, no,
I understand.
(audience laughing)
And I'm sitting there in the room,
and I'm like, I'm the only person
who really understands.
(audience laughing)
And I was very proud of myself.
So I was waiting for these people
to leave, so I can call my friends
and tell them about this.
I was very proud of this.
And right when I thought I'd got
away with it, guess who decided
to show up?
Yeah, my dad.
But I was on top of my game.
I knew I can manage my dad
because he hardly says anything
to anyone.
And then he comes in,
looks at all of them
crying and being all sad,
and he's like, "hey,
"why are you all sad?
"You want to have a good laugh?
"You want to look at a picture
"where Vikram is dressed up
"as a girl?"
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
And then my mom said,
"Oh don't say that.
"That reminds them of their daughter
"who passed away in a car accident."
And she was like, no, that's
Vikram's sister.
That's your daughter.
(audience laughing)
And then after 10 seconds,
finally all three of them understood.
And my mom doesn't wait.
She starts beating me
in front of them.
And the couple is like,
"Yeah beat him.
"He deserves it."
And my dad is like, yeah, beat him.
He deserves it.
I'm like, "pa, you don't even know
"what happened."
My mom was beating me.
He's like, Vikram, what's
wrong with you?
What's wrong with you?
How can you make up a dead sister?
What's wrong with you?
And I was like, "ma, ma, ma, hold on.
"It's not my fault.
"It's not my fault." She's like, what?
I said, "ma, dad once told me that he
"has five kids to take care of.
(audience laughing)
"That fifth kid
"was my dead sister,
"metaphorically speaking."
(audience laughing)