(inspirational piano music)
- Hello! Welcome back to Couples Talk.
I'm Jonathan Decker.
- I'm Alicia Decker.
- And with us today are Jason and Tami Hewlitt
who are joining us to talk about how to have
a healthy relationship when things get hard.
We talked about in our last segment that there's this
perception that happy couples either don't have challenges,
or the challenges are all external
and the couples are just smooth sailing all the time.
And we were working on the assumption that,
that wasn't the case and that all couples
have internal struggles.
Apparently you guys don't so that's fantastic.
(everyone laughs)
- Right.
- We live that dream.
- Right.
- What I really want to address is you brought up
how your business, which is motivational speaking,
entrepreneur, entertainer, all wrapped up in one, right?
And how your business shifted dramatically
with COVID-19 and the pandemic,
and I think that's true for a lot
of people watching at home,
their way of doing business and being cramped
at home with their family.
- Just tons of career shifts, profession, working at home,
not working at home, losing jobs.
- Yeah.
And even as, you know, there's a vaccine
and life is presumably maybe hopefully returning
to some sort of state of normalcy,
the world has changed and shifted dramatically.
And in a sense, I don't think it's ever going
to fully go back to the way it was before.
Can we talk about how you two,
manage the change as a couple,
how it affected your relationship,
and how it's preparing you for the future
and any other dramatic changes
in this hellscape of a world we live in?
(both laughs)
- Well, you know, I was used to traveling
when we had young children.
I was doing 200 dates a year on the road
traveling all over the world. - [Jonathan] Yeah.
- And then she was staying home and with the kids.
I slowly cut that back to about 150 dates a year,
then a hundred a year, as the kids grew up,
I realized I'm missing out on a lot, right?
So I just charge my fee a little bit higher
and do less events on the road.
Eventually, I got to this place where I'm speaking,
doing keynotes, making a little bit more per event.
So I was averaging between 60 to 80 gigs a year.
And then all of a sudden, 2020, boom.
I got a call early March, every gig is gone,
all of them canceled. - [Jonathan] Yeah.
- And now for a person that doesn't understand
what that means, you're usually living off of the deposits
of what you're supposed to be doing in the future.
And so now I'm returning all of this-
- All those money. - [Jason] Money.
- So what if you spent already?
- Already had pretty much lived on, yeah.
And so it's this disturbing thing that happened.
Our career was dead in the water,
right at the beginning of the pandemic.
And so it was like, well, now what?
And I said to her, I said, I need to figure out how
to setup cameras, and lights,
and microphones and do this from my house.
And what do you remember about that time?
Was I working hard at that?
- Oh yeah.
He was right away at the very beginning he went to work.
He's like, I've got to shift this because I've got
to have a solution.
And he's very good at that.
He doesn't ever let time go by without figuring things out.
- Yeah - [Tami] And he did,
he figured it out. - Well at least
it teaches our kids, just like, look for solutions.
- Yeah, and he did.
- But how many hours a day was I bothering everyone
doing that?
- Bothering us?
- Well, I mean, just-
- In your office, figuring it out like 12 hours a day.
- 12, that's all?
(Tami laughs)
- Okay, more than that, 18, most days we didn't see him
a lot because he was just figuring things out,
and we let him figure it out,
and I knew he would figure it out.
I don't feel that we ever feared the future
because we just knew that it would work out.
And I think that's important for us, for me, to show my
confidence in him that he would get it figured out
and he did.
And he needed our help and support,
and we offered that,
and it was quite the shift, and he went from, you know,
less gigs to a higher fee, to any gig that would come
for any fee that would come.
He really had a shift, his- - Start over.
- Yeah, to start over.
And that's what we kept saying,
it's like, we're 20 years ago,
we're starting from scratch here.
- Yeah, well, I mean, you had absolute faith
and confidence in him.
I have to imagine there was still strained from,
Hey, food would be a good thing.
Or did you have food in storage?
Or what were you-
- We were cutting things like we never thought
we would have to.
I mean-
- Especially 20 years into a - [Jason] 20 year of success.
- career and established and like yeah.
- Not really crazy, you know, making no money
and then tons of money.
It was always pretty much there as a good career.
And then all of a sudden it's gone.
So what do we have to cut?
- Well, we had to go through a budget, you know,
make a budget like we've always had,
but this time we really had to stick to it
and say, you know, we have to do this.
So we went through everything.
We went through our credit card statement
and cut every little subscription we've had,
our monthly carwash that we used to just drive through
and not think about that-
- All the maximum convenience. - [Tami] Right.
- Wonderful things.
- Realizing that all those little tiny things,
really did add up.
- Probably not eating out very often.
- Yeah, we quit eating out as much,
or ever really. - Uh-hmm.
- I mean, we'd go out maybe once or twice a month.
- Did the kids complain about losing some
of the perks they've grown accustomed to?
- They're pretty supportive 'cause we're very open
with them.
I just say, hey guys, all my work's gone.
This is pretty amazing.
What are we gonna do about it, you know?
- Amazing, that's the word you used.
- Oh yeah, I was like, this is devastating, but amazing,
and this is what we get to do about it.
Let's make something of this and in fact,
we put together a promotional video of my family,
being my sound and light team.
And it got me so much work because to see
a kid holding a boom mic, I mean, people were like,
"Oh, this is the cutest thing I've ever seen.
Are you really doing this?"
And I'm like, yeah, yeah, the boys
are really holding the camera,
my daughter's really helping me come up
with the next thing to say.
I mean, it was a full-on family shift.
- When the going gets tough,
the tough exploit their children.
(both laughs)
- Oh yeah.
- It's not about the exploitation,
but I think as as parents,
and especially as the breadwinner,
you feel the responsibility, you feel the weight
and then you're like, well, I have to fix it.
And while you went after the solution, you know,
to find it, you also enlisted your team, right?
Like you enlisted your wife and your children,
- And you said- - We've definitely put
our kids to work.
- Yeah. But I think it's so powerful
when you're having challenges
as whether it's a challenge, you know, for you individually,
or something that affects the entire family.
To go to your family and say,
here's the the challenge, right?
And instead of like, "Oh no, what are we gonna do?
This is terrible, right?"
Say, here's the amazing opportunity for growth we have,
we don't know what the future is gonna bring but I know
we're gonna grow through that because we can always grow
through challenging hard, new things.
- Yeah.
- And that it teaches resiliency which is not something
that I feel is an active part of our culture.
You know, it's about the quick and the easy,
and the shiny stuff.
And so that's needed, I know with individual
in a different vein but individual challenges that I've had,
like family dynamics that weren't working for me,
I've been very honest with my kids.
And I said, hey, here's what I'm struggling with.
When you behave this way, this is why it's hard for me.
And what are your solutions?
How can you help, you know, how can we do this together?
- Yeah. - Uhmm.
- Well, I think it's really powerful because
we societally tend to underestimate the intelligence
of children and that we had to put it in kids terms,
or that we can't be straight with them.
And I'm not saying we need to be condescending or harsh,
but to be able to say,
when you act like this or when this happens,
it's hard for me because of this.
I mean, there've been times where I say,
I've said to my kids,
I love you at this precise moment,
I'm not really wanting to be around you.
And is that the result that you're wanting to get
which is something that question,
is that the result that you're wanting to get
is something I've learned from you?
And they'd be like, no, I'm like, okay.
So how can we get a different result?
Like maybe I can stop throat punching my sister.
(Jason and Timi laughs)
- We have future UFC fighters at our house.
(Jonathan laughs)
- We got some people.
- It's well said and I like that.
And I'm thinking, you know,
as long as they realize they're part of the journey.
- Right. - Right?
That we're all in this together and that is a cliche now,
but for real, within our family, it was like,
let's have many meetings every day whenever we need to,
'cause we were all quarantined anyway.
What are you doing with the next three hours?
And what did you do with your day?
And hey, by the way, this is what dad did today.
Thank you guys for not being too loud
'cause I was trying to crank through all this stuff online,
and you guys made it possible.
And then I would show them the checks when they came in
I was like, look, I got 50 bucks.
- [Jonathan] Look what you did.
- Before it was a five figure checks
that they didn't really see 'cause you just deposit.
Now I'm like, I got 50 bucks from being online.
(everybody laughs)
- His first paid gigs from the office,
it was more than 50, maybe 500,
but he was like, this is amazing.
I didn't have to leave the house,
I got paid for doing this right in the office.
- And you have to put on pants.
- [Jason] No pants. - You wear basketball shorts.
- Wear your business on top.
And casual down below the line.
- That's right. - Heck yeah!
- Oh yeah, I just did the good live and online talk.
But yeah, it was amazing to watch the kids see
the progression of an experiment from zero.
I mean, it was a true ground zero moment.
And to say, yeah, we can create this.
Let's do it.
I've never made a penny outside of the house.
- [Jonathan] Yeah. - Can we? Yeah.
- I love the idea of having, I mean,
we do family meetings every week.
We'll sit down with our kids every week
and talk about their goals,
and help with their journals and stuff like that.
But I love the idea of being okay,
"So guys here's what I want to accomplish today.
What would you like to accomplish today?"
And they'll say, "Well, I want some one on one time."
And we can have the conversation with, okay,
so if I can be left alone for two hours,
then I can do one on one time.
But if I keep getting interrupted,
that one-on-one time it's not gonna happen
and figuring that out, that sort of thing.
The conversations are crucial.
This is a question for all three of you.
When there is external hardship,
it can create internal strain.
So how do you navigate that as a couple,
so that you're facing the world
and fighting the world together,
instead of fighting each other?
- Hmmm...
- Well, let's see.
I'm just thinking, having what we were in the middle of
was so incredibly daunting,
and what was really sad for me as a dad
was to take stuff away, you know,
the subscriptions or the fun things, you know,
Hey, Christmas might be pretty weak.
So what are we gonna do?
Or we were going to sell the motor home
which the motor home has been our family thing
as we travel around. - [Jonathan] Yeah.
And that's all tough stuff.
So that started to make us, you know, figure out,
okay what is the internal strife?
Where is it coming from?
And you know, I think it was mostly just everyone's
quarantined together, stuck together, sick of each other.
But really coming together and doing those meetings
as a family I think helped a lot.
Wouldn't you say?
We also did a lot of walks,
did a lot of movies.
- Yeah.
- But a lot of talking. - [Jonathan] Yeah.
- Yeah. Communication has never been better really.
'Cause we were forced to talk about real life stuff
that really mattered.
So I think our communication and our conversations-
- Especially when the Disney+ gets cut,
we better talk and play some board games everybody 'cause-
- I know. (everyone laughs)
- Yeah, so-
- We had a lot of puzzles, didn't we?
- Uh-hmm. - Yeah.
- [Jonathan] What do you think, Alicia?
- For me, and this could just be a personal lesson,
but it is coming.
I have the tendency to feel like I'm taking responsibility.
Like ultimately everything's my responsibility, right,
and so having those conversations,
'cause so often when something isn't working,
and at least for me when I already feel overwhelmed,
it just becomes like one more thing to react to
instead of consciously responding.
And I know that just sounds so cliche,
but I have a tendency to feel like I'm responsible
and to take responsibility for everything.
And it's okay to go to my kids and say, "Hey this dynamic
isn't working for me."
And it hurts my feelings or it upsets me, you know,
when you fight or when you speak to me poorly
and just expressing my love to them,
instead of chewing them out and being like,
you are so selfish and entitled,
how could you treat me this way.
Go to them with what's underneath the hurt,
go to them with what's underneath, what is initially anger
and say, I am hurt, and this is how I feel.
And then I don't tell them what to do,
I ask them for their solutions.
But it's the same thing with children
'cause we can see if our children are struggling,
especially with some of the dynamics that COVID and pandemic
and quarantine have brought up.
Sometimes children can express hurt
in the most unloving ways.
And so I've had lots of conversations
with my teenager when you know,
he's gotten aggressive and he's gotten rude,
and I've said to him,
once again, treating me that way,
I love you so much and here's everything
I do to support you.
And it feels like right now,
you're not feeling very supported.
So what do you need instead?
And meeting... - Yeah.
- Responding with the true emotion,
instead of the reaction of how could you.
- Yeah, I think that's, that's so powerful in marriage
and in family and just with yourself,
to recognize that anytime we're angry,
we're actually something else.
Like the angers is just the mask.
It's always sadness or fear,
or embarrassment or overwhelm, or something.
And when we communicate that,
or when we help others to communicate that,
then we actually connect and we resolve things.
So we want to hear from you in the comments,
how do you help your kids deal
with stress and overwhelm?
We also want to direct you to our video,
How to be BFF's with Stress?
Stress is actually key for growth.
It's like manure.
It stinks and nobody likes it,
but it's necessary for growth.
So how are you gonna be BFF's with stress?
And once again, let us know in the comments below
how you help your kids deal with it.
We're gonna have the Hewlitt's join us one more time,
to talk about raising teenagers.
(Tami laughs)
Our kids are just starting to enter that phase
so we could use all the help we can get.
And if you enjoy what we're doing here at Mended Light
please like, subscribe, and share.
Our entire mission is to help you heal and grow,
so you could be the best version of yourself.
So until next time.
Keep shining your light because we need you.
(inspirational piano music)