- Robbie likes Caroline, but he's waiting
for the right opportunity to ask her out.
Spike suggests this dance named after their
impending extinction.
Robbie's meandering towards a weak invite
when Caroline tells him to zip it
so she can flirt with Dolf.
Caroline says she's horny for Dolf's bones.
Then tells Robbie she's glad she can trust him
with that secret, because he's a real friend.
Robbie hears that friend shit
and wishes that meteor would hurry up and kill him.
Robbie asks his sister what girls look for?
She says muscles and a hot name.
He wonders if they ever want a more moderately-sized,
sensitive dude with brains?
Realizing Robbie's talking about himself,
she makes fun of his insecure,
scrawny ass all around the house.
Fran says not all girls want jocks.
Some want a guy with common interests
who will treat them with respect.
Earl says she's only talking about ugly chicks.
Robbie says his life stinks.
His dad and sister agree his shit sucks.
Earl tells his son to cheer up.
Because, like Robbie, he used to be a wimp.
But before settling into irreversible obesity,
Earl was yolked.
Badow!
And Robbie can get yolked too!
Right after this montage.
Earl trains Robbie in a deluxe montage.
Complete with a calendar and bicep growth progress thermometer.
And after two weeks of lifting
and sweating and generally getting it,
Robbie's right where he started.
He probably would've packed on more thermometer progress
just by jerking off a lot.
Robbie's frustrated with his gains.
Spike says don't be because guys like Dolf cheat.
They use Thornoids.
Robbie's never heard of Thornoids
because they're made up and Spike explains.
Thornoids are little spiny creatures
dudes like Dolf take to get swole.
Because you can't say "steroids" Friday nights on ABC.
Spike tells Robbie they're dangerous
and warns him not to try these very tempting things
that would immediately solve his present predicament.
Robbie sees Dolf crack open a box
of these nightmare critters. Yikes.
He breaks into Dolf's locker and scarfs one down.
Robbie wakes up the next morning
ripped.
Humongously jacked.
I don't know where he found a shirt that fit.
He casually lifts the fridge
to get a spoon his baby brother dropped
then takes this gun show on the road.
Robbie finds Caroline to display his beefy musculature
and casually asks her to the dance.
Only he's too late because Dolf
is in the middle of asking her.
But instead of accepting he's been bested,
Robbie tells Dolf to suck knuckles
and tells Caroline he'll see her at the dance.
But first, more 'noids.
Spike sees Tyrannosaurs Flex in the hall
and wants to know if he's been popping Thornoids.
Robbie denies it, then shows Spike
he's definitely doing Thornoids by getting pissed
out of nowhere and grabbing him
with a hand that is covered in spikes,
two known side effects of Thornoid use, I guess.
Robbie's getting ready for the dance,
and when his sister won't open the bathroom door,
he kicks that shit down. Yah!
Then rips the sink out and throws it like a Frisbee.
But his pre-dance flexing is interrupted
when he sees the side effects are getting worse.
His entire upper body is covered in spikes
he didn't notice until this moment.
Because he's been too damn busy scaring people.
Earl's struggling to move back the fridge
and asks Robbie for help.
Robbie calls his dad fat.
Then threatens to kick his fat ass.
Then takes his baby brother's rattle
and breaks that crap just for the thrill of it.
Fran finally inquires about the massive growths
protruding from her son's torso,
but Robbie doesn't have time to get into it
because he has to drag a girl to the dance.
Robbie is a juiced out wreck,
pouring punch on some guy who talked to Caroline.
And when he tries to kiss her,
she tells him to back off
before he stabs her to death with his man titty daggers.
Robbie doesn't get it because she wanted a guy with muscles
and now he has muscles.
She says the only reason she never went out with Robbie
was because he never asked.
And while she used to have feelings for him,
they've faded like his sanity.
Then when she tries to walk away, Robbie gets physical.
Spike steps in before things get even worse
and tells Caroline to beat it.
Spike tells Robbie he's alienating
everyone who cares about him.
And these Thornoids are bad news as evidence by the fact
that his victims today include a baby and a woman.
Robbie tries to kick his ass for talking all this truth
and gets himself stuck to a locker.
Spike says he's going to sit with him overnight
until the Thornoids wear off because he's a good friend.
And as quickly as the muscles came, they're gone.
And Robbie has a lot of thinking to do about the way
he treated everyone during that unusually eventful 24 hours.
So what did we learn today?
If you want to ask someone to the dance, go for it!
Who cares?
Especially if you go to a school where nobody wears pants.
And anyone who tells you there are no shortcuts
to getting jacked has never seen a box of Thornoids.
But be careful with performance enhancing drugs.
They might turn you into a freakish monster overnight.
Who is violent, and dangerous, and generally sucks ass.
And ruin your chance of getting a prehistoric handjob
from your crush after the dance.
Plus you might have to deal with
unusual physical side effects, like body spikes,
because you can't say "tiny shriveled testicles"
Friday nights on ABC.
See you next time on A Very Special Episode.