ANYBODY SEE "CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR"?
ANYBODY SEE THAT?
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: YEAH, WHOOO!
IT IS ALSO WHAT I WILL SAY WHEN I SEE IT CUZ HERE'S THE THING,
IT WAS ALSO MOTHER'S DAY THIS WEEKEND, LIKE I SAID.
AND DESPITE MY BEST EFFORTS TO CONVINCE MY WIFE THAT TWIZZLERS
AND JUNIOR MINTS COUNT AS MOTHER'S DAY BRUNCH, SHE WAS NOT
BUYING IT.
"CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR" MIGHT BE A LITTLE HARD TO FOLLOW
FOR THOSE OF WHO HAVEN'T SEEN THE 12 OTHER MARVEL MOVIES, BUT
ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW GOING IN IS THAT HALF OF THE GUYS ARE
FIGHTING THE OTHER HALF OF THE GUYS BECAUSE OF REASONS.
(LAUGHTER) SPEAKING OF CIVIL WAR, NORTH
CAROLINA IS IN THE NEWS.
(LAUGHTER) TRUE, TRUE.
A TOW TRUCK DRIVER, A TOW TRUCK DRIVER IN ASHEVILLE, NORTH
CAROLINA, WHO SUPPORTS DONALD TRUMP EVIDENTLY STRANDED A
DISABLED WOMAN ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AFTER HE SAW A BERNIE
SANDERS BUMPER STICKER ON HER CAR.
>> BOO!
>> Stephen: HARD TO TELL WHAT SIDE YOU ARE ON.
TELLING THE WOMAN THAT SHE WAS OBVIOUSLY A SOCIALIST AND THAT
SHE SHOULD CALL THE GOVERNMENT FOR HELP.
HE THEN DROVE AWAY ON A ROAD, I ASSUME HE PAVEED HIMSELF.
HE SAYS-- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: THE GUY SAYS WHENEVER HE DEALS WITH BERNIE
SUPPORTERS THEY DON'T PAY HIM, AS OPPOSED TO THE TRUMP
SUPPORTERS WHO MAKE MEXICO PAY HIM.
(LAUGHTER) THIS GUY DID IT FOR THE BEST
POSSIBLE REASONS.
HE SAID I THINK THE LORD CAME TO ME.
AND HE JUST SAID GET IN THE TRUCK AND LEAVE.
AND WHEN I GOT IN THE TRUCK, YOU KNOW, I WAS SO PROUD.
THAT DOES SOUND LIKE SOMETHING JESUS WOULD SAY.
(LAUGHTER) IT'S LIKE THE STORY OF THE GOOD
SAMARITAN WHERE HE SEES AN INJURED MAN STRANDED BID SIDE OF
THE ROAD AND IS ABOUT TO HELP HIM.
BUT THEN REALIZES HE'S GOT A CANAANITE BUMPER STICKER AND HE
PEELS OUT IN HIS CHARIOT YELLING MAKE SAMARIA GREAT AGAIN.
MEANWHILE-- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: I DON'T THINK I CAN-- THAT'S GOING TO BE
BLURRED.
MEANWHILE, IN INTERNATIONAL NEWS, THE GOVERNMENT OF CHINA
HAS ANNOUNCED THAT THEY ARE BANNING LIVE STREAMS OF WOMEN IS
HE DUCKIVELY EATING BANANAS.
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS.
>> YEAH, I HEARD ABOUT IT.
>> Stephen: QUITE DISTURBING.
THIS IS TERRIBLE NEWS.
NOW CHINESE TEENAGE BOYS HAVE TO RESORT TO THE SPORTS ILLUSTRATED
PRODUCE ISSUE.
OFFICIALS SAY-- BECAUSE THE PRODUCE ISSUE WOULD HAVE PEOPLE
WITH FRUIT, DOING SEXUAL THINGS WITH VEGETABLES.
OKAY, OFFICIALS SAY,-- THERE ARE FOOTNOTES ON THAT JOKE.
OFFICIALS SAY THE VIDEOS ARE PORN GRAPHIC AND THAT THEY
ENCOURAGE VIEWERS TO BREAK LAWS AND HARM SOCIAL MORALITY.
SO TRUE.
RARELY DO THESE VIDEOS END IN A STABLE LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP
WITH THE BANANA.
BUT NOT EVERYBODY SEES THIS AS PORNOGRAPHY.
HERE TO TALK ABOUT THIS CONTROVERSY IS SOMEONE WHO HAS
PARTICIPATED IN A NUMBER OF THESE LIVE STREAMS, PLEASE
WELCOME THE BANANA, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
(APPLAUSE) THANK YOU, THANK YOU FOR COMING,
MR. BANANA.
>> HEY, THAT IS MY MOST POPULAR FILM.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
MR. BANANA, MR. BANANA, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THIS CHINESE
CENSORSHIP?
>> IT'S WRONG TO CALL IT PORN.
IT'S ART, BABY.
IT TELLS THE STORY OF A LONELY WOMAN WHO NEEDS POTASSIUM AND A
BRAVE HERO WHO RISES TO THE OCCASION.
IT'S BASICALLY "THE ENGLISH PATIENT."
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.
IT LOOKS MORE LIKE PORN THAN ART.
>> HEY, POTATOE POTAHTO, BY THE WAY, IF YOU WANT TO SEE PORN,
YOU OUGHT TO SEE A WOMAN EAT A POTATOE.
UH-HUH, FULLY LOADED, IT'S NICE.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, MR. BANANA.
>> HERE'S A FREEBIE FOR YOU RIGHT NOW.
OH YEAH, MR. BANANA.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, MR. BANANA.
THANK YOU, MR. BANANA, EVERYONE.