(singing)
You know, ma, I remember when I was a little girl-
Oh, God.
Buzz off.
Oh, Joe ... one thing.
Do I look at my mother or at the camera?
Look at the camera and here's a little tip:
look at it like you're making love to it.
It might help if you give her
a reference she's more familiar with.
What the hell are you doing home?
I thought you had a four o'clock beauty parlor appointment.
I did. They finished with me early.
On Christie Brinkley they can finish early ...
you need every minute they can spare.
Pussycat, when you were in junior high school,
and the kids gave you a hard time ...
what did I say?
You told me I was extra special and they were just jealous.
And if they still gave you a hard time,
what did I tell you to say?
My mother can have you eliminated with one phone call.
Dorothy, have you seen my teeth?
They're in your mouth, Ma.
I know that. Don't they look good today?
I ran them through the dishwasher.
Salvador, if you want to fool around, take off your tee shirt.
You're going to get linguine all over me.
Ma, Ma ... go back to sleep. It's just me, Dorothy.
Get the hell out of my bed!
I just hate you.
I regret the day you ever moved in here.
And I regret the day I gave birth to you!
Ma, Ma ... I'm your daughter.
Oh, yeah.
Dorothy, I've never told this to anyone before ...
the day I left the hospital with you,
I had a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Because you suspected I wasn't your daughter?
No, because I was in labor for 38 hours.
And the doctor who delivered you bought his obstetric tools
from a restaurant supply store.
Rose, listen, you don't have to do anything
to please your parents.
She's right.
I'd like to be proud of Dorothy for something ...
but I'm not going to kill myself if that day never comes.
What are you doing?
Dorothy's going through her high school yearbook
to see who all's dead.
That's my pussycat! Fun, fun, fun.
Oh, Ma. Look at this.
A list I made of things I wanted to do with my life.
You know I had list like that ...
and I've done most of them.
Except for Burt Lancaster.
I haven't done half the things on this list.
I mean, what am I? I am a substitute teacher ...
I'll never be rich before I'm 21,
I'll never be homecoming queen.
You can still be homecoming queen,
it'll just be a different kind of home.
Here, pussycat. Drink this. It'll make you feel better.
Oh, Ma. Another hot toddy? I think I've had enough.
Shut up and drink.
This is the fourth one. Ma, that's a lot of whiskey.
I only put whiskey in the first one.
Then we ran out.
Oh.
The second and third were vodka.
No wonder my head is spinning.
This one's part amaretto, part Sambuca.
That should kill everything.
Killed your father.
Dorothy, when was the last time you had sex?
It's a very personal question.
That long, huh?
Dorothy, I just had a terrible nightmare!
Ma, what was it?
This!
Break it up.
Stanley, think of me as the Berlin Wall.
Try and climb over me, and you'll know what barbed wire
between your legs feels like!
Happy Mother's Day, Ma. Oh, you look beautiful!
Yeah, yeah, talk is cheap and so is that buffet you're taking me
to so let's get moving before all the shrimp is gone.
Go home and take a cold shower.
No, Blanche. Not until you know the reason
why I keep telling you that I can't sleep with you.
Look, Ma. Listen, maybe ...
maybe watching some TV in another room
might be a good idea.
Fine, Dorothy. But keep the volume down.
That is why Blanche ran out of gas.
You've been driving her car, hadn't you?
You know how embarrassing it is to drive a car
with a bumper sticker that says, "So many men, so little time"?
Ma, I never needed you more.
I'm about to do something that is very important to me.
I mean, I could fall flat on my face!
Fall the other way. It's funnier.