• From shoving all manner of disgusting things in your vagina to wearing condoms made
out of shell we look at 15 weirdest forms of birth control found in history
15 – Lemons, • When life gives you lemons then life certainly
is trying to tell you not to have children any time soon apparently.
• Dating back to at least the 1700s, it’s widely been believed that the citric acid
in lemons would kill any sperm that found their way near it. Women would insert a round
slice of lemon into themselves as a diaphragm. • This was also the method said to have
been used by Lothario Casanova, meaning it obviously wasn’t a mood killer to turn to
your lover and say “do you mind shoving this fruit inside you?”
14 – Olive Oil, • Forget cooking and using it on the frying
pan, this is oil is for being used on a different type of eggs.
• Going back to ancient Greece, the oil would be mixed with Cedar oil and then used
as lube during the lovefest. Observing that the oil slowed down sperm allowing the women
a better chance of effectively using a douche. • While still used today as a natural lubricant
in sex just don’t try to double up with a condom because the oil will cause it to
break open. You don’t want to have a kid whose the product of accidental condom-olive
oil break do you? 13 – Moonlight,
• Wait that should actually be “stay out of the moonlight” because it’s moonlight
that impregnates you. Wait what? • Yep according to the native residents
of Greenland, the Moon is what gets women pregnant so you need sleep on your stomach
or/and spit on your belly to create a barrier for the moons baby making rays.
• Jeez we need to educate the kids about this, it has to be why there are so many teenage
pregnancies. Too many kids sleeping in the moonlight without spitting on their stomachs
must be the only logical reason. 12 – Vinegar Soaked Sea Sponge,
• Good old vinegar, always there for us from going great with fish and chips to helping
teach kids about volcano eruptions…and then something else involving kids and “eruptions”
• Much like lemons it’s been believed historically that Vinegar is a spermicide
and the Hebrew Talmud details that if a woman is too young to survive having a child you
should go fish out a bit of Sea Sponge and add Vinnegar.
• Of course you should probably do more research on how effective this would be before
running out to the beach to get some sea sponge for your junk.
11 – Wolf Urine, • Going back to the times in medical history
between prayer being the cure for everything and leeches being the cure for everything,
Wolf urine was the cure for not-wanting-a-kid-it is.
• The procedure involved the woman going outside straight after sex, finding where
a female wolf had peed and then peeing over that spot while possibly saying an incantation.
• As would guess this form of birth control was super effective and is probably still
used today by some crazy wolf people. At least it didn’t call for the wolf urine to go
inside anyone’s privates. 10 – Honey Soaked Tampons,
• Well more accurately Honey, Acacia and Date soaked bits of wool but who cares about
accuracy amirite? • Back in 1550 BC we have the first recorded
use of Egyptian ladies soaking seed wool with the mixture and putting it where all tampons
go. But that must just be some crazy useless mixture right?
• Well turns out Acacia can ferment in lactic acid which is a modern spermicide meaning
that once again those damn ancient Egyptians have our modern science. I’m not saying
its aliens but…. 9 – Tortoise Shell Condoms,
• Finally one for the men to take care of, haven’t got any honey around so I best get
out my tortoise shell. • While most of the world was using animal
intestines for dick wrappers, the Japanese thought “nah not weird enough” and someone
promptly made a penis sheath made of hard shell. Or even sometimes animal horn. Talk
about horny ey! • While most likely not very comfortable
for woman and probably definitely not for the man they would have been 100% effective.
Well Japan no one can accuse you of not being efficient.
8 – Sneeze and Squat, • Well if you don’t like bodily fluids
getting everywhere we suggest that you avoid this very messy alternative to the pill.
• Going back to ancient Greece it was said that right after sex a woman should go and
do a bunch of squats while trying to time them with sneezing, leading to snot and semen
now being the primary decoration of your living room carpet.
• Needless to say this was a pretty useless practice but at least you would end up with
some killer glutes after all those post sex squats. Too bad the eventual pregnancy would
ruin them. Easy come easy go. 7 – Crocodile Shit,
• And back to ancient Egypt which seems to be the home of “let’s stick random
things inside women until they stop having babies.”
• This time we have some lovely crocodile excrement that would be pasted around and
inside the birth cannel to create a barrier that we assume the sperm would be just too
disgusted to swim through. Bingo! No more kids.
• Of course this was only used until aliens came to visit the Egypt and gave them the
magic honey tampon technology. It’s all true because I saw it on the history channel
guys. 6 – Beaver Testicles,
• Yes using on genital innuendo named animal’s genitals are a sure fire way to never have
children ever. • That’s what 16th century Canadians thought
when they causal decided that drying up beaver testes, grinding them into a powder and mixing
them with alcohol was the best idea they could come up with. See the beaver sperm cancels
out your sperm. • But hey can’t be too hard on this one,
at least you could blame being black out drunk from contraception for why you didn’t last
long enough in bed. 5 – Weasel Testicles,
• Wow history has way too many instances of thinking that more testicles are the answer
to stopping sperm from making it to the egg. • But at least this method doesn’t involve
drinking the testicles, instead you need to take two weasel testes, wrap them up in cloth,
tie them to the thighs of the woman and presto instant sperm blocking force field.
• The method was so popular in the dark ages that merchants would sell weasel testical
amulets so that you didn’t need to go and rip an animals balls off every time you wanted
some nookie. 4 – Mercury,
• Oh liquid metals, everyone’s favourite terminator building material that will give
you brain damage also can make you sterile. Win Win.
• Used in China at one point women would take swigs of the metal to stop any unwanted
foetuses taking residence in the womb however it’s pretty safe to say that ingesting the
poisonous metal didn’t do wonders for your health.
• Along with sterility and brain damage you would experience kidney failure along
with any children you end up having looking like Robert Patrick.
3 – Blacksmith Water, • Speaking of drinking metallic liquids
apparently it’s widely known that metal is the natural thing to kill off foetuses
and no one told me. • First recorded as being used again in
ancient Greece, this would involve women drinking the dirty water that had been used to cool
off freshly made swords. But no one knows why people decided that chugging the equivalent
of toxic waste was a great idea. • Amazingly this belief held until WW1 where
women reportedly would volunteer in factories to get access to those sweet precious toxic
metal waters. Ugh. 2 – Lysol,
• So we don’t even need to go back far into the past to find the stupid things people
have been sticking into other people’s genitals to stop children from happening.
• This remedy from the 1900’s was actually advocated by the producers of the antibacterial
product themselves as an effective douche. At the time birth control was illegal in the
United States so having some Lysol meant not only was your house clean but also child free.
• Of course sticking cleaning chemicals in your vjayjay is not a good thing and there
were 193 case of Lysol poisoning that included chemical burns to the vagina. Along with 5
people dying from it. At least we don’t live in an age where not wanting to have a
kid has a good chance of killing you. 1 – Coca-Cola,
• Soda kills teeth so it must do the same for potential babies’ right? Is there anything
coke can’t do? • Well the last in our list of putting terrible
things in your vagina comes the world’s most famous soda that became a douching method
in the 1950’s. With women shaking up bottles of soda and letting them erupt into their
birth cannels. • Thinking that the sugar would kill any
sperm making their way into the womb, this was of course not going to stop any child
from being born. But they probably grew up to have very bad teeth.