>> Stephen: WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
I AM STEPHEN COLBERT.
YOU KNOW HOW TRUMP KEEPS SAYING HE'S GOING TO MAKE AMERICA GREAT
AGAIN?
TURNS OUT "GREAT" MIGHT BE SHORT FOR "GREAT DEPRESSION," BECAUSE
TODAY THE DOW DROPPED 799 POINTS.
AT LEAST IT WASN'T 800.
WHEW.
( LAUGHTER )
HERE'S THE THING: IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN TRUMP'S FAULT, BECAUSE IT
WAS.
ON SUNDAY, HE ANNOUNCED, HE TWEETED OUT HE HAD THIS GREAT
NEW TRADE DEAL WITH CHINA, TWEETING:
"CHINA HAS AGREED TO REDUCE AND REMOVE TARIFFS ON CARS COMING
INTO CHINA FROM THE U.S.
CURRENTLY, THE TARIFF IS 40%."
GREAT NEWS.
THAT'S GREAT NEWS, OKAY.
BECAUSE SOON, DRIVERS IN CHINA COULD BE RIDING AROUND IN A JEEP
GRAND CHEROKEE INSTEAD OF THE CHINESE KNOCKOFF, THE "JORP GRIN
CHICADEE."
( LAUGHTER )
TWEETED THAT OUT-- TARIFF GONE, THE DOWELLINGS OVER AT THE DOW
HEARD THIS.
AND YESTERDAY THEY TURNINGED UP MORE THAN 400 POINTS.
EXCEPT THIS TARIFF DEAL WASN'T TRUE.
AND HERE'S HOW YOU CAN TELL: THE PRESIDENT SAID IT.
( LAUGHTER )
NO DETAILS.
NOTHING.
IN FACT--
♪ WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS LYING ♪ >> Stephen: HUGE FANS OF
NOTHING HERE TONIGHT.
( LAUGHTER )
LIE, EVEN THE FOX NEWS, EVEN THE "FOX & FRIENDS" WEREN'T BUYING
IT.
CHECK OUT "FOX & FRIENDS'" INTERVIEW WITH WHITE HOUSE
ECONOMIC ADVISOR AND THE CRYPTKEEPER'S WINGMAN, LARRY
KUDLOW.
>> THE PRESIDENT TWEETED OUT SOMETHING ABOUT WE'RE GETTING
RID OF THE 40% TARIFFS ON CARS.
YOU KNOW, WE HAVEN'T HEARD ANYTHING OFFICIAL ABOUT THAT.
CAN YOU EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED?
>> I THINK IT'S COMING, OKAY?
>> WELL, HE ALREADY TOLD US.
GIVE US SOME DETAILS!
>> Stephen: "COME ON, LARRY!
WE'RE SITTING ON THIS COUCH PUTTING OUR ASSES ON THE LINE
FOR YOU GUYS EVERY DAY!
GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT: WHAT ARE THE DETAILS OF THIS CHINA DEAL,
AND WHY HASN'T THE CARAVAN MURDERED ME YET?"
( LAUGHTER )
THAT THE TARIFF REDUCTION THAT TRUMP ANNOUNCED WAS MORE OF AN
ASPIRATION.
>> IT HASN'T BEEN SIGNED AND SEALED AND DELIVERED YET, BUT,
LOOK, I THINK THEY WILL GO TO ZERO.
IN MY VIEW, I THINK THE PRESIDENT EXPECTS THEM TO GO TO
ZERO.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN'T JUST SAY SOMETHING HAPPENED BECAUSE YOU
EXPECT IT IS GOING TO!
THAT'S LIKE SENDING OUT ANNOUNCEMENT CARDS LIKE THIS
ONE: "IT'S A BOY!
'M GOING ON MY FIRST DATE WITH THIS WOMAN TONIGHT, AND I THINK
SHE'LL MAKE AN EXCELLENT MOTHER IF IT'S A BOY."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ WHY YOU ALWAYS LYIN' ♪ >> Stephen: HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
JOHN.
NOW, TRUMP AND XI DID AGREE TO A SORT OF TARIFF CEASE-FIRE
PERIOD.
KUDLOW INITIALLY SAID THE CHINESE HAD 90 DAYS FROM
JANUARY 1.
BUT THEN THE WHITE HOUSE CORRECTED HIM TO SAY THE 90
DAYS ACTUALLY BEGAN ON DECEMBER 1.
WELL, HE DOESN'T NEED TO BE GOOD WITH NUMBERS.
HE'S ONLY THE WHITE HOUSE ECONOMIC ADVISOR.
( LAUGHTER )
"S&P" ITS PANTS IS WHEN TRUMP TODAY ADMITTED THE DEAL ISN'T
DONE, TWEETING, "THE NEGOTIATIONS WITH CHINA HAVE
ALREADY STARTED.
UNLESS EXTENDED, THEY WILL END 90 DAYS FROM THE DATE OF OUR
WONDERFUL AND VERY WARM DINNER WITH PRESIDENT XI IN ARGENTINA.
BOB LIGHTHIZER WILL BE WORKING CLOSELY WITH STEVE MNUCHIN,
LARRY KUDLOW, WILBUR ROSS, AND PETER NAVARRO, DOT, DOT, DOT,
DOT, DOT."
DOT, DOT, DOT, ON SEEING WHETHER OR NOT A REAL
DEAL WITH CHINA IS ACTUALLY POSSIBLE.
IF IT IS, WE WILL GET IT DONE.
CHINA IS SUPPOSED TO START BUYING AGRICULTURAL PRODUCT AND
MORE IMMEDIATELY."
AGRICULTURAL PRODUCT, SINGULAR?
( LAUGHTER ) ( AS TRUMP )
"LOOK, I'M NEGOTIATING WITH A CARROT-AND-STICK APPROACH.
I'M INSIST AGO
I AM INSISTING THAT CHINA BUY A CARROT, AND THEY HAVE TOLD ME
WHERE TO STICK IT."
( LAUGHTER )
HE CONTINUED, "PRESIDENT XI AND I WANT THIS DEAL TO HAPPEN, AND
IT PROBABLY WILL.
BUT IF NOT, REMEMBER, COMMA, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT,
DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, I AM A TARIFF MAN."
( LAUGHTER )
OH, YEAH, BABY.
>> Jon: TARIFF MAN.
>> Stephen: OH, YEAH, EVERYBODY KNOWS I'M A TARIFF
MAN, YEAH.
IT TAKES ALL KINDS. THERE ARE SOME FREAKS OUT THERE.
ANYTHING GOES, FREE MARKETS.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED, BUT I LIKE AN IMPORT WITH A BIG
DUTY."
( LAUGHTER )
THAT WAS A LONG WALK.
>> Jon: OOOH!
>> Stephen: MMM!
I LIKE THAT DUTY.
I'M JUST-- I'M POLISHING THE DUTY HERE.
THAT'S ALL I'M DOING.
( LAUGHTER )
TARIFF POLICY.
"WE ARE RIGHT NOW TAKING IN-- DOLLAR SIGN-- BILLIONS IN
TARIFFS.
MAKE AMERICA RICH AGAIN."
YES, NOT MAGA, MARA!
I THINK THAT'S HOW TRUMP NAMED MAR-A-LAGO.
IT STANDS FOR "MAKE AMERICA RICH AGAIN, LYING, AND GRIFTING,
OBVIOUSLY."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOW, IN HAPPIER NEWS, WE MIGHT BE GETTING A REPORT SOON FROM
ROBERT MUELLER, BECAUSE HIS TEAM HAS TOLD--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LAWYERS THAT THEY'RE "TYING UP LOOSE ENDS" IN THEIR
INVESTIGATION.
WITH ANY LUCK, "LOOSE ENDS" IS THEIR CODE NAME FOR DON JR.
( APPLAUSE )
FORMER TRUMP LAWYER, MICHAEL COHEN, SEEN HERE LOVING LIFE.
( LAUGHTER )
NOW, RIGHT?
EVERYBODY'S BEEN SAYING THAT COHEN MADE A PLEA DEAL WITH
ROBERT MUELLER.
BUT WE JUST LEARNED THAT, IN A DAREDEVIL MOVE THAT WOULD MAKE
EVEL KNIEVEL'S SPHINCTER SNAP SHUT, COHEN, IN FACT, PLEADED
GUILTY WITHOUT FIRST OBTAINING A TRADITIONAL IRONCLAD DEAL UNDER
WHICH THE GOVERNMENT WOULD COMMIT TO SEEKING LENIENCY."
WELL-PLAYED, PLAYER.
( LAUGHTER )
CARDS ON THE TABLE.
AS YOU CAN SEE, I GOT NOTHING, AND I'M BETTING IT ALL."
( LAUGHTER )
SPEED UP THE LEGAL PROCESS, IN PART, BECAUSE HE "HAS CONCLUDED
THAT HIS LIFE HAS BEEN UTTERLY DESTROYED BY HIS RELATIONSHIP
WITH MR. TRUMP."
TO WHICH MELANIA REPLIED,
"GET IN LINE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )