WELCOME WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S FEELING GOOD.
IT'S FEELING GOOD.
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SUMMER HAS OFFICIALLY -- I LIKE
IT, I LIKE IT.
SUMMER HAS OFFICIALLY BEGUN.
TODAY WAS THE LONGEST DAY OF THE YEAR, ALSO KNOWN AS "JUNE
21ST, THE SNYDER CUT."
THE COUNTRY IS OPENING UP AS THE ( LAUGHTER )
WEATHER GETS WARMER.
WE ALL FINALLY PUT ON PANTS JUST IN TIME TO REALIZE IT'S TOO
HOT FOR PANTS.
( LAUGHTER ) CASE IN POINT, LAST NIGHT, THE
FIRST U.S. CRUISE SHIP IN 15 MONTHS SET SAIL.
( APPLAUSE ) IT'S PERFECT FOR ANYONE -- I'M
NOT SURE WHAT YOU WERE APPLAUDING -- BUT
IT'S PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO'S BEEN STUCK IN THEIR HOUSE FOR 15
MONTHS AND THOUGHT, "THIS HAS BEEN GREAT, BUT I JUST WISH THE
ROOM WAS MUCH SMALLER AND SLOWLY ROCKING."
( LAUGHTER ) THIS CRUISE IS A C.D.C. MANDATED
TEST THAT'S CARRYING ONLY ROYAL CARIBBEAN EMPLOYEES WHO
VOLUNTEERED.
IF THEY GET SICK, THE COMPANY KNOWS IT'S
UNSAFE FOR PAYING CUSTOMERS.
IT'S LESS VACATION AND MORE "CANARY IN A CONGA LINE."
( LAUGHTER ) THE EMPLOYEES AREN'T GOING
ALONE, BECAUSE THEY WERE ALLOWED TO BRING AN 18-AND-OVER
GUEST.
SO, MATT GAETZ WILL NOT BE GOING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THERE YOU GO.
MATT GAETZ.
BAD.
>> Jon: OH, COME ON, MAN.
>> Stephen: NEW YORK IS ALSO REOPENING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YEAH.
IT'S A GOOD FEELING.
( PIANO RIFF ) CASE IN POINT -- LAST WEEK,
GOVERNOR ANDREW CUOMO LIFTED MOST
CORONAVIRUS RESTRICTIONS, CALLING IT A "RETURN TO LIFE AS
WE KNOW IT."
SO THIS WEEKEND, NEW YORKERS COULD ONCE AGAIN PLAY THE
CLASSIC BIG APPLE GUESSING GAME: "PUDDLE OR PEE?"
( LAUGHTER ) HOT TIP: IS IT HOT?
( LAUGHTER ) ANOTHER SIGN OF LIFE, LAST NIGHT
THE FOO FIGHTERS ROCKED MADISON SQUARE GARDEN IN THE FIRST FULL
CAPACITY SHOW IN NEW YORK CITY SINCE RESTRICTIONS LIFTED.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HELL, YEAH!
FOO FIGHTERS AT MADISON SQUARE GARDEN WERE BACK TO NORMAL!
ALSO, BACK TO 1995!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE FOOS BROUGHT ON A SPECIAL
GUEST: ♪ BUT I'M A CREEP ♪
♪ I'M A WEIRDO ♪ >> STEPHEN: FOO FIGHTERS AND
DAVE CHAPELLE SINGING A RADIOHEAD CLASSIC?
THAT IS AWESOME.
THAT'S PERFECT.
I HAVEN'T SEEN A COMEDIAN ROCK OUT THIS HARD SINCE
HENNY YOUNGMAN SAT IN WITH LED ZEPPELIN.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: GOOD OLD HENNY.
( LAUGHTER ) THE FOO FIGHTERS AREN'T THE ONLY
ONES HITTING THE ROAD.
THERE'S ALSO A NEW TOUR FEATURING FORMER FOX NEWS HOST
BILL O'REILLY AND FORMER PRESIDENT,"THE FLAG FONDLER."
( BOOING ) >> Stephen: BUT HOW DO YOU
FEEL?
( LAUGHTER ) THE PAIR ARE MAKING SEVERAL
PUBLIC APPEARANCES IN DECEMBER THAT THEY'RE CALLING
"THE HISTORY TOUR."
I ASSUME BECAUSE THEIR CAREERS ARE HISTORY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: THE PEOPLE HAVE
SPOKEN!
>> Stephen: HEY, LOOK AT YOU.
BUT THE TOUR IS CAUSING ANXIETY IN MAGA WORLD BECAUSE
"MANY QANON SUPPORTERS NOW BELIEVE THAT
TRUMP WILL RETURN IN AUGUST."
AND AS ONE SUPPORTER PUT IT
"A REINSTATED PRESIDENT DOESN'T GO ON TOUR."
( LAUGHTER ) OR DO ANYTHING ELSE BECAUSE
THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A REINSTATED PRESIDENT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHILE HE'S ON TOUR
THE QUARTER-FLOUNDER MAY HAVE SOME EXPLAINING TO DO.
BECAUSE A NEW BOOK IS REVEALING DETAILS ABOUT HIS
COVID RESPONSE.
THE MAIN DETAIL: THERE WASN'T ONE.
FOR INSTANCE, EARLY IN THE PANDEMIC, THERE WERE AMERICAN
TOURISTS ABROAD AND CRUISE SHIPS LOADED WITH INFECTED
PASSENGERS THAT NO ONE KNEW WHAT TO DO WITH.
THE THEN PRESIDENT REPORTEDLY ASKED, "DON'T WE HAVE AN ISLAND
THAT WE OWN?
WHAT ABOUT GUANTANAMO?" THE PRESIDENT WANTED TO SEND
CRUISE SHIP PASSENGERS TO GITMO.
SO, ENJOY YOUR BEACH DAY WITH COMPLIMENTARY
HEAD SACKS.
THEN HIT THE BAR FOR BOTTOMLESS PINA-COLADA-BOARDING.
( LAUGHTER ) THOSE PEOPLE COMING OFF CRUISE
SHIPS WERE A REAL PROBLEM FOR DICK A L'ORANGE --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: A LOT OF NEW NAMES.
>> Stephen: THAT ONE HIT A SWEET SPOT.
( LAUGHTER ) -- BECAUSE THEY INCREASED THE
NUMBER OF COVID CASES.
ACCORDING TO THE BOOK, HE WAS OBSESSED WITH
HOW THE NUMBERS REFLECTED ON HIM, SCREAMING LOUDLY ON THE
PHONE TO H.H.S. SECRETARY ALEX AZAR: "I'M GOING TO LOSE THE
ELECTION BECAUSE OF TESTING!
WHAT IDIOT HAD THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT DO TESTING?"
TO WHICH AZAR RESPONDED, "UH, DO YOU MEAN JARED?"
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: WOW.
WOW.
>> Stephen: IMAGINE -- IMAGINE BEING IN THAT
ADMINISTRATION AND SOMEONE CALLING YOU "THE IDIOT."
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S LIKE BEING IN THE N.B.A.
AND YOUR NICKNAME IS "THE TALL GUY."
( LAUGHTER ) KUSHNER DOESN'T COME OFF WELL IN
THE BOOK.
IN MARCH OF 2020, WHEN KUSHNER LEARNED 600 MILLION MASKS
COULDN'T BE DELIVERED UNTIL JUNE, HE THREW HIS PEN AGAINST
THE WALL AND SCREAMED, YOU ( BLEEP ) MORON,
WE'LL ALL BE DEAD BY JUNE.
THAT WAS IN PRIVATE.
WHAT WAS HE SAYING IN PUBLIC?
>> I THINK BY JULY THE COUNTRY IS REALLY ROCKING AGAIN.
>> Stephen: IN HIS DEFENSE, HE THOUGHT HE WOULD NEVER BE
ACCOUNTABLE FOR THOSE WORDS, HE THOUGHT WE WOULD ALL BY DEAD BY
JUNE.
OH, THERE'S SOME HUGE NEWS OUT THE CATHOLIC CHURCH: THE BAKE
SALE SATURDAY AFTER THE 4 O'CLOCK VIGIL MASS RAISED $174
FOR THE KNIGHTS OF COLUMBUS GOOD JOB, GUYS.
( LAUGHTER ) ALSO --
( LAUGHTER ) THE U.S. CONFERENCE OF
CATHOLIC BISHOPS VOTED TO ADVANCE A PROPOSAL THAT WOULD
DENY PRESIDENT BIDEN COMMUNION.
( BOOING ) YEP, THEY'RE HOLY GHOSTING HIM.
( LAUGHTER ) ( RIM SHOT )
THANK YOU.
NOW, LISTEN, I'M CATHOLIC BUT BIDEN IS "SO" CATHOLIC!
HE'S THE ONLY GUEST I'VE EVER SPENT TIME WITH BACKSTAGE
TALKING ABOUT THE CONSOLATIONS OF GOD AND THE NEED FOR DAILY
ROSARY.
SO FAR, BALL'S IN YOUR COURT, ANDREW GARFIELD.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO WERE RAISED SLEEPING IN ON SUNDAYS,
COMMUNION IS THE MOST IMPORTANT SACRAMENT FOR CATHOLICS.
IT GOES COMMUNION, BAPTISM, HANGING THE FREE CHURCH CALENDAR
IN YOUR KITCHEN.
"OOH, I WONDER WHO'S MR. FEBRUARY... JESUS
AGAIN?!
THE STREAK CONTINUES."
SO WHY DENY BIDEN THE SACRAMENT?
WELL, APPARENTLY, THESE BISHOPS WANT TO PUNISH HIM
BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT SAYS HE PERSONALLY OPPOSES ABORTION BUT
DOESNT THINK HE SHOUL IMPOSE THAT POSITION ON AMERICANS WHO
FEEL OTHERWISE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT I'M NOT SURE HOW SERIOUS THE
BISHOPS ARE HERE.
IF THEY REALLY WANTED TO PUNISH BIDEN, THEY'D MOVE HIM TO A
DIFFERENT PARISH, AND NOT TELL ANYONE WHY THEY DID IT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( BOOING )
JOKE'S BASED ON A TRUE STORY.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS A BIG DEAL FOR A LOT OF
REASONS.
ONE OF WHICH IS THAT BIDEN IS ONLY THE SECOND CATHOLIC TO
OCCUPY THE WHITE HOUSE AFTER JOHN KENNEDY.
BUT J.F.K. WAS NEVER DENIED COMMUNION BECAUSE HE ALWAYS WENT
TO CONFESSION AFTER BANGING MARILYN MONROE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW -- BASED ON A TRUE STORY.
( LAUGHTER ) HERE IN NEW YORK, THERE'S A BIG
ELECTION TOMORROW.
THE CITY WILL BE CHOOSING A NEW MAYOR THAT MANY ARE CALLING,
"NOT BILL DEBLASIO."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NEW YORK WILL ALSO BE ELECTING A
NEW CITY COUNCIL.
AND THERE'S SOME SHOCKING NEWS OUT OF THAT RACE BECAUSE
MANHATTAN CANDIDATE ZACK WIENER WAS CAUGHT WITH A DOMINATRIX,
GAGGED AND ENJOYING A SADOMASOCHISM SESSION.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
REACHED FOR COMMENT, THE CANDIDATE SAID
"ERRMMMUUH.
TERGGRAAGLLL. RRAHHH."
THAT TOOK COURAGE.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT TOOK A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF
COURAGE.
IT ALL CAME OUT WHEN AN ANONYMOUS TWITTER
USER POSTED A VIDEO OF WEINER AND A LEATHER-BOUND WOMAN WHO
POURS WAX ON HIM AND CLIPS HIS NIPPLES WITH CLOTHESPINS.
POURED HOT WAX ON HIM?
EVIDENTLY, HE HAS A VERY SPECIFIC FANTASY ABOUT BECOMING
A WHEEL OF GOUDA.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S THE ONE THAT HAS THE WAX
ON IT.
OKAY.
HOT BLACK WAX.
AFTER THE VIDEO LEAKED, WEINER RESPONDED: "I DIDN'T WANT ANYONE
TO SEE THAT, BUT HERE WE ARE.
I AM NOT ASHAMED OF THE PRIVATE VIDEO CIRCULATING OF ME ON
TWITTER."
NOR SHOULD HE BE!
THE LATE SHOW IS SEXPOSITIVE, AND WILL NOT TOLERATE ANY KINK
SHAMING, UNLESS YOU "LIKE" HAVING YOUR KINK SHAMED, IN
WHICH CASE: BAD CANDIDATE!
NAUGHTY BOY!
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: NOW, YOU MAY NOT HAVE HEARD OF
ZACK BEFORE, BUT HIS FATHER IS A CO-CREATOR OF THE POPULAR
CHILDREN'S TELEVISION SHOW "DORA THE EXPLORER."
WHEREAS HIS SON CREATED THE LESS POPULAR SPIN OFF:
"MARIAN THE DISCIPLINARIAN."
( APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
OUR GUESTS ARE AROUND AND AND LORDE.
WHEN WHEY COME BACK, THE SCOOP ON THE CAST OF SEASON TWO OF
"BRIDGERTON."
STICK AROUND!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪♪