You know you’re hanging out with some OG’s when the 34-year-old is the young one.
Freaking Yars’ Revenge.
Asteroids and Pong probably give it a hard time, too.
“Oh, you came with a comic book?
Geez, you kids and your comics.
We didn’t come with anything.
Oh, and where’s your quarter slot?”
“What, you don’t take quarters?”
“Oh, you kids and your…”
Wood grain.
It’s Pong, Asteroids, Yars’ Revenge, for the Game Boy Advance.
This might be the most old-school compilation, of old-school games, that’s ever been…old,
it’s just, these are insanely old games.
And important games, too.
You’ve got Yars’ Revenge, which was the best-selling original game, for the Atari
2600…and that’s the newbie, freaking “n00b.”
‘Cause you’ve also got Asteroids, Atari’s best-selling game, ever…
And even that’s seven years older than Pong, which is widely considered the first major
commercial video game ever made.
So it’s, like…I mean, you couldn’t pick three more important video games, in terms
of the development of the industry.
One of the first big arcade games, one of the first big console games, and one of the
first games, period.
All in one tiny, little cartridge.
That’s an impressive lineup.
It’s like Pac, Biggie and Dre.
Pour one out, for gaming’s OG’s.
Hopefully, they don’t kill each other.
Might want to kill yourself, though.
After playing Pong for a while?
F*cking Pong.
I refuse to believe it’s actually possible to win, at this goddamn thing.
I mean, look at this, the computer never misses.
And when it does, it’s only to patronize you, so you keep playing.
Then, it’s just, oop—back to reality, stupid human.
F*cking Pong.
You can’t win.
Anyway, I guess it’s a good version of Pong.
F*cking Pong, whatever.
I judge the ball in this game about as well as a, freaking…guy who can’t…judge,
things.
Whatever.
And there’s also Asteroids.
Which is another example of our desire to destroy ourselves, as a species.
All the technology in the world and what do we do?
We make vector-based spaceships, that have better aim than a, freaking…guy who can’t…
F*cking Asteroids.
This is ridiculous, too.
I’m telling you, these spaceships are the most ruthlessly goddamn efficient enemies
in video game history except for maybe the hot dogs in BurgerTime.
Wait.
Wait, what if…
What if the hot dogs are driving the spaceships?
F*cking hot dogs.
And last but not least, it’s the punk-ass kid of the bunch.
It’s Yars’ Revenge.
Which I’ve played a million times and never noticed, that it’s Yars, that’s who’s
revenge it is.
Yars.
It’s not Yar, who is getting revenge and therefore it’s Yar’s Revenge.
No, it’s Yars’ Revenge, with the apostrophe after the S. Freaking…Classic Punctuation
Room.
Anyway, I don’t care who’s revenge it is, this game rules.
The idea is, you have to shoot the barrier that’s protecting the little laser-blasting
core.
To do that, you actually have to touch the core, which activates this mega laser, which
then destroys it.
Oh, and there’s a neutral zone where noting bad can happen to you, it’s called Switzerland.
The chocolate is, just…unbelievable.
But yeah, that’s the collection.
All surprisingly faithful to their original versions, all play fine…which actually surprised
me, to be honest.
See, DSI Games released a lot of these games on the GBA, where they combined a few retro
classics.
And frankly, they botched a lot of those classics.
They didn’t botch these ones, though.
As these are, unbotchable.
Actually, that’s not true, I beat unbeatable.
They are un…
Unbelievable.
Look, I guess if there’s any drawbacks, it’s that it’s a pretty sparse package.
No extras, no additions…and subtractions, actually, ‘cause it doesn’t save your
high scores.
Which was the whole point of some of these games.
But whatever, it’s DSI, you guys.
The fact that we’re playing them and we’re not violently angry, means they’ve outdone
themselves.
F*cking DSI.
It’s Pong, Asteroids and Yars’ Revenge, for the Game Boy Advance.
A simple collection, of classic games, that are largely why you have whatever games you’re
playing, right now…
Crazy, freaking, alien hot dogs.