thank you everybody welcome welcome one and all to The Late Show I'm your host Stephen Colbert well
folks folks this is Spence has finally broken
we've been waiting for nine days to learn who would control the House of
Representative well you know what they say good things come to those who wait
not this time because Republicans have won control of the House of Representatives I know I know it's
disappointing though it is nice to see Republicans take the house without any zip ties [Applause]
bullets are still being counted in some swing districts so we don't have the final tally
but Republicans are likely to control a Slimmer majority than many expected so
it's bad but not as bad as you feared it's the political equivalent of Papa John's
this means the new speaker of the house will likely be California Congressman Kevin
McCarthy [Applause] seen here realizing that wasn't a reason he just ate with an incredibly
thin majority many are predicting a chaotic term for a weak speaker but Kevin thinks any
majority gives you the same amount of power as he explained the one thing I know in Washington
they don't hand the gavels out in small medium and large size here with the rebuttal former Speaker
John Boehner holding his actual gavel which was so large he could summon it like mjolnir
a lot of folks think McCarthy is in for a bit of a rough ride with one Republican noting it's like
herding cats trying to get everybody together and another pointed out you can't lose anybody any one
person becomes kind of an island to themselves that Island turds and cocus thank you thank you
thank you very much what an honor
point is McCarthy has a horrible job where horrible people have the power to make him
do horrible things and one person who comes pre-horled is Georgia congresswoman and foreign
Marjorie Taylor green green threw her support behind Kevin McCarthy for speaker in exchange
she says he's going to give me a lot of power and a lot of leeway and predicts you'll be on
committees investigating Traders and criminals I can't wait to see the investigation she launches
what's Hunter Biden's Wi-Fi password who distributed spoons to the gazpacho police
where does the water in my sponge go at night is it siphoned off to a secret Jewish space loofah
this was also I demand answers I can't do it I can't I can't do an impression
there is no way there's also a big day for outgoing house Speaker Nancy Pelosi seen
here waiting for Tony Stark to land so she can tell him about the Avengers Initiative
with Republicans winning the house Pelosi took to the floor to announce her plans for
the future my colleagues I stand before you as Speaker of the House as a wife a mother a
grandmother a devout Catholic a proud Democrat and a patriotic American I'm also proficient
with word excel and Outlook plus I can drive stick and I speak conversational Spanish hola
I believe I will be a perfect member of your team she then got a subtle dig
in at a political opponent see if you can spot it I have enjoyed working with three
presidents achieving historic investments in clean energy with President George Bush
transformative Health Care reform with President Barack Obama [Applause]
from infrastructure to health care to climate action with President Joe Biden
oh
she left out a president what was his name again Nancy the poo poo thank you
thank you I don't like saying his name but then after two decades in leadership the first female
Speaker of the House made her big announcement with great confidence in our caucus I will not
seek reelection to Democratic Leadership in the next Congress there it is Nancy Pelosi after years
of service is leaving the Democratic Leadership I assume to be the next host of The Daily Show
turns out this doesn't mean Pelosi's resigning from Congress she plans to
take an America's role that would allow her to offer counsel to her
colleagues Yes she'll remain a mentor to the Younglings she's Obi-Wan Pelosi
but sure sure but that's not the only reason she decided to remain reportedly
President Biden personally asked her to stay telling her I hope you stick
come on Nance why would you leave you're in the prime of your 80s I call that p-pop puberty
started getting hair in all new places earlobe knuckle tip of my nose come on
Senior Skip Day getting the Corvette we're heading to the woods to smoke Boniva come on
don't Don't Fear the Reaper Jack [Applause] [Music]
thank you thank you I just wanted to hear that song
and was this is this happening I'm being told that it's time for tonight's no context Herschel Walker
what I'm about to show you is an actual clip from a speech Herschel Walker gave yesterday about
it doesn't really matter what it was about just please enjoy this clip which once again I assure
you is 100 real and unaltered in any way Jim I don't know if you know vampires and cool people
are they not but I'm gonna tell you something that I found out a werewolf to kill a vampire did
you know that I never knew that so I didn't want to be a vampire anymore I want to be a werewolf
a Clarion call that is sure to Galvanize the electorate vote Walker for werewolf
and this has been tonight's no context Herschel Walker unfortunately we are still hearing from
private citizen Kerry Lake seen here left hanging by the voters of Arizona [Applause]
was called on Monday lake has dug in on claims of voter fraud last night to make
the point that she was never going to concede Lake drop this new ad [Music]
okay that's not good but you can't blame her iPhone for putting together a memory
called at the fascist rally now here's the thing here's the thing thank you
fascist now if you're a Tom Petty fan you'll recognize his song I Won't Back
Down also you can continue to be a Tom Petty fan because a spokesperson for Tom Petty's
estate confirmed that Lake's use of the song was not approved or endorsed and exactly come on you
know you've crossed the line when Tom Petty's Representatives tell you to please back down
that's like lawyers for Guns and Roses telling you that you are no longer welcome in the jungle so
done so they didn't approve that song but maybe they would approve
a different Tom Petty song We At The Late Show have a suggestion
[Applause] [Music] [Applause]
we got a great show for you tonight my guests
on Michelle Williams and the winners of the world's first celebrity pickleball
tournament pickled before we come back meanwhile come on [Music] [Applause]