free will is such an interesting thing when it comes to dating it might
actually be that we're wired and programmed to date specific types of
people and in this video you're gonna do a little bit of a test that might
determine why you pick the people that you pick what is up everybody this is
Chris from the rewired soul where we talk about the problem but focus on the
solution and if you're new to my channel my channel is all about helping you
improve your mental and emotional well-being and a lot of that has to do
with relationships I am somebody who has been in a billion terrible relationships
so if you're into that kind of stuff make sure you subscribe and ring that
notification bell so we just hit 15,000 subscribers mind-blowing like I don't
know maybe I'll make another video just about like doing work and hustling and
doing things that you love passionate about but just so you know like at the
end of the year I wasn't even a thousand subscribers and like I just always
question do really do people really care about mental health but people do all of
you do and I love that I love that people want to improve themselves
mentally emotionally spiritually whatever your jam is so thank you to all
the new subscribers you are all amazing I love just spreading a message of hope
I used to be in a very dark place now have an amazing place anyways I'll quit
all that sappy stuff now so a lot of you a lot of you came over cuz you saw one
of my videos about Trisha Paytas and Jason Nash and talking about borderline
personality disorder and I mentioned in that video a worksheet that helps
determine that it doesn't help determine but it kind of in lines you and it shows
you why you date who you date and kind of why you behave the way that you do in
relationships so one of those sayings that I mentioned in a video the other
day is that that old definition of insanity right and
my loyal subscribers has been here since the beginning psychedelic feline she
pointed out there's not an insanity is doing the same thing over expecting
different results right and some of you might realize that but some of you also
might not see what you're doing you might wonder like I'll use myself as
an example I always find that's the best way to do it I kept ending relationships
in heartache right over and over and over again and I'm like why why and you
know all the self-pity would come and oh my god I'm just never gonna find a good
woman all these other things but like there was a reason for it I kept picking
the same type of woman you know it was the same candy just a different wrapper
if you get what I mean so this worksheet is actually on the
phone so those of you who don't know
need to do some videos with her but she lives in California but she is a
psychologist she got her doctorate in psychology while being a full-blown
alcoholic but she's coming up on 13 years sober she's amazing I love that
woman and our dreams someday is to open up a treatment center together like we
mesh really well when it comes to all this mental health and addiction
recovery stuff anyways but mom does this relationship workshop and my mom was
actually the first person to kind of point out you know by my behavior and
the why I dated certain types of women she was the first one to point that out
relationship workshops and that's what I saw this worksheet that she had people
go through and it's it's crazy like I was working in a treatment center for
the last three years I'm about to start at a new one we're getting that rolling
that's exciting yeah like I would give it to clients like so many people so
relationships have so much to do with our mental health and for addicts and
alcoholics relationships can be their downfall you can lead to relapses but a
lot of people to like you know people came from the trip
this video a lot of people have borderline personality disorder and
things like that and or emotions just go all rocky and zany and stuff and it can
lead to depression and anxiety and fear of abandonment and fear of rejection
just so many things so this is very important now I will say this okay this
is like an experiment because usually the way this works okay this is two
different worksheets they're short they're simple takes you maybe 10
minutes to do okay but the way this works is in a group setting all right
you give people one worksheet they fill it out and then without seeing the
second worksheet then you give them the second one and then you use the first
worksheet to fill out the second one and then you kind of have a discussion about
it so I'm doing this via YouTube so this is a little bit different so what I've
done down in the description below is a link to both of these sheets so I'm
about to go over with you so what I would recommend is I'm gonna talk about
the first worksheet pause the video print it out whatever it is I uploaded
that to Google Drive print it out or if you can't print it I don't have a
printer just open up the document and then a piece of paper it's really easy
you'll see in a second pause the video and fill that out and then start the
video back up as we go over the second worksheet if not you're cheating and you
don't gain anything from this so you're wasting your time but yeah like I really
don't care if you cheat on this it's not like the SATs or something but this will
help enlighten you and I'll tell you an interesting story done so this first one
this first one is basically so it's split up in columns I actually probably
showing it on the screen right now alright so you'll see it's divided up
and mother-father other so it says income in the column below right
positive traits or characteristics of your primary caretaker use words such as
loving caring always there nurturing sense of humor intelligent hard-working
playful etc so your primary caregiver so if you had both mother and father in
your life and you'll fill it out for both of them others so if you were
raised by your grandparents or adoptive parents or
uncle ants whoever raised you okay oh by the way like you can like pause it after
each section if you want if you need me to kind of explain it a little bit so
here's some examples I was 20 there what it's like when I first got this
worksheet don't want too many good characteristics I could look at right so
I might have said it was like very minimal you know when when I saw it you
know I would have put you know things same things like always there
hard-working playful I would put those in there so my dad pretty much raised me
when I was growing up next section in the column below right negative traits
or characteristics of your primary caretakers use words such as never their
critical anxious angry controlling cold distant preoccupied your pressed hard to
please etc so for like my mom it would have been a lot of those things it would
have been you know never there mood swings angry depressed suicidal just
outrageous emotions my dad who raised me it would have been some things like you
know even though I put hard-working as a positive one
hard-working would have been a negative one - my dad worked a ton my dad you
know we didn't really show emotions that much and things like that so those are
the things that I would put under the negative traits from my mom and my dad
so the next one and the box below white things that you needed the most and
didn't get from your caretaker takers use words such as more time acceptance
of who I was encouragement affection understanding respect so things that I
would put and you can kind of lump these together you don't need to write you
know specifically for mom or dad you can if you want to my mom like the things I
needed like what did I need for my mom I needed her to be sober I needed more
more time of hers more love more affection I need her to just be normal
I remember just that my mom was normal for my dad I
would probably say like I wish we had more money normal family and all sorts
of stuff so d-list three childhood frustrations what you felt and what you
did in response alright so for example so there's a three columns right so
what's the frustration what you felt and what you did right so when I would go
visit my mom in California and she'd be drunk okay so I would just put like mom
was drunk what I felt I felt like she didn't care okay and what did I do
I got angry I got angry and sometimes I would yell at her or scream at her or
frustration one of my biggest frustrations coming from my mom or dad I
hated this as a kid when they said because I'm the adult right you know
this this power play right and what what I felt I was an angry Kid so I felt
anger what did I do I shut down it's just like okay I'm
expecting that you're following along here and you've been pausing and writing
and everything like that so now you can go down below get document number two
and either print it out or write this section down in your notebook or scrap
piece of paper okay so let's get rolling all right so this says my unconscious
relationship agenda so imagine this is your unconscious speaking when you were
in the mate selection process do this with them a lot of them alight it's like
a freaking magic trick like it is just crazy like nobody watches like those
mentalists or illusion people and like they just you know know that's kind of
like what this is for most people I'll touch on that after we get through this
okay so imagine this is your your unconscious speaking when you're trying
to pick somebody okay when you're in the single dating pool this is why you pick
who you pick all right so one eye trying to find and or get a spouse or
life partner will be insert positive traits from section a so like that not
loving or caring or hard-working alright so these are some of the positive
qualities that you're looking for in that person number two but I won't
really fall in love unless he or she also has at least some of these traits
all right in so from column B so these are the negative things so you might
start to see that you're picking people whether it's a man or woman the people
you are picking have some negative traits of your parents now section two
when I find someone with a blend of both positive and negative traits I will get
really interested in him or her and may fall in love and form an intimate commit
commitment relationship so this next part three in my relationship I will
struggle to get my partner to have only the positive traits so that I can
finally get an adult version of blank alright so those knees that you you
needed right what did you need from your mom or what did you need from your dad
so this is this is interesting I'll let you thought the last one the
toy and then I'll come back to this so number four in my relationship I will
sometimes tend to stop myself from getting these needs met by doing at an
adult version of these behaviors alright so basically like what you're what
you're doing is the action that you were taking in that last column like what's
the adult version of that so for me like the anger or you know the arguing or
acting out like what would I do so let me just go back to my drinking
days and stuff like that like me acting out as an adult is me getting really
drunk okay that's me acting out the other one me shutting down like giving
my girlfriend the silent treatment alright so that's what that means okay
so so yeah basically like I don't know like I really want you guys to leave
comments down below I really really want you to because basically what we're
seeing is is that we're finding we're finding potential mates
this combination of our caretakers and the reason that is and I can do entire
videos on this the reason is is because that's where we feel comfortable so for
me I was only comfortable dating chaotic women I was only comfortable I would not
date women who were normal or calm or had their stuff together I didn't feel
comfortable and what I was trying to do was I was trying to get them to meet the
needs that my mom didn't give me as a child do you see what I mean but like
the other part is what we start seeing and especially number four is that we're
we're doing a lot of childish behaviour as a dolt
so like when we look at this it's like no wonder why our relationships go south
right we're not looking for the perfect mate we're looking for someone who has
the same flaws as our caretaker and somebody as when we were a child this is
why children of alcoholics and addicts for example are like extremely extremely
likely to marry an alcoholic or an addict this is why children who were
abused whether it's verbally or physically or sexually they might date
somebody who fits that and this is on your unconscious and it's it's
absolutely insane sometimes but I'll never forget one time I did this with
the group at my treatment center and afterwards this young woman came up to
me like right after and she's like Chris Chris and she's like shaking and she's
like can I come outside and smoke with you I'm like okay sure and we go outside
and she breaks down in tears she breaks down in tears and she's like oh my god
oh my god no I see where I keep dating this man oh she's like freaking out and
I'm like listen calm down like the first step towards solving any problem is
recognizing that there is a problem right so if you can relate like if this
like shed some light on some stuff for you like that's awesome now you know
what to look for now you can say oh I'm attracted to this for a reason and
that's unhealthy you can change that you can break that cycle I am a living
example of that my girlfriend and I have been together for almost two years and
she is not really like my mom like at all
and this is like the first woman who's like pretty much nothing like my mom I
was actually talking with her in the car about this worksheet and stuff and it's
interesting because people change over time like my girlfriend was saying you
know she she used to have some of those traits that I mentioned but she's
outgrown them right and I'm a much different person too so I will just end
the video with this what I've noticed what I've noticed with this I've seen
some people who like this like did nothing for them it didn't shed any
light light like no I don't look for people like that
and this is just personal theory I found people who who keep getting into toxic
relationships so mainly young single people I've seen that a lot but like I
don't know like married couples I've seen like I've seen I've seen quite a
few but like I don't know it's it's hard to explain but for some people this is
like not accurate but this is very accurate for some of us who are kind of
mentally or emotionally unstable but doing this is gonna help you find a
better relationship or like I mentioned in my Twitter Paytas video like this is
why some of us just need to stay single for a long time and be like okay I am
attracted to the wrong type of person that's why this video is going in my
playlist called the broken picker some of us just have a broken picker and it
can get fixed alright so anyways this is a long video I hope you enjoyed it leave
comments down below let me know like what your revelations were if you could
relate to this like if this matched up and everything let me know down in the
conversation in the comments let's have a discussion alright anyways that's all
I got for you if you like this video please give it a thumbs up and if you're
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watching I'll see you next time