- What's up fucking me?
How you doing?
Who, is this a joke, is this, is this where you guys just?
Is this a fucking, is Ashton Kutcher?
He was a guy from MTV days.
The fuck dude?
(audience laughing)
Is this weird, is this weird for you?
It's weird for me.
(audience laughing)
It's like my fucking alternate universe
where I fall in love with a little thin Indian boy.
(audience laughing)
Fucking dump my wife and child and bernedoodle
and fucking bang Namesh, whatever your cool
name is that everybody loves.
(audience laughing)
Give me it, come here, come here.
Grab my head, let's mind meld, say a word, say a word!
(audience cheering)
- What am I saying?
(audience laughing)
- What if I just grabbed his head and smushed it?
Never!
(audience laughing)
Yes.
(audience laughing)
Did you get mad when Trump called that person fat?
Don't you hate and you hang out with skinny,
I don't know why this, must be annoying to hang out
with fucking 20 inch waist, you can just drop things
and pick them up you cocksucker.
(audience laughing)
Yeah it's hard being chubby man.
'Cause food is the worst drug of all!
Heroin's easy, oh he kicked heroin, that's fucking easy,
try kicking hamburgers and french fries, that's hard.
Heroin, it's illegal, you get arrested,
when you do drugs, there's police,
there's no fat fuck police.
Gonna kick my door down at three in the morning
when I'm eating pizza that was in the garbage for two days.
(audience laughing)
Put it down you fat bastard!
Trying to eat the evidence.
Take me away for nine months in jail,
get out, get other fat guys, we rally,
fat lives matter, fat lives matter!
Our rallies only last three minutes, we're like,
fat lives matter, is that a hot dog truck, what is that,
nah fuck that, let's get some food, I'm starving.
(audience laughing)
Right, fucking.
(audience laughing)
If we blew each other, that would be weird, wouldn't it?
(audience laughing)
It'd be like you got to blow yourself,
that's not even gay!
My wife wouldn't even dump me.
(audience laughing)
Now if I blew you, that's weird, you look nothing like me.
(audience laughing)
That'd be just two guys blowing each other
but me and you, that space, time fucking meld.
Two bald chubby guys, I bet we have
the same size pee-pee too, we should check
after the show in an alley.
Bring fucking little fucking twiggy with you.
I'm sure he has a ruler, he was in Mensa.
(audience laughing)
This is the same size penis, I can eyeball it.
(audience laughing)
You guys having fun, these assholes, that's racist.
You shouldn't say that, that's a poor Indian boy,
go fuck your fucking selves.
Look at all the old people, yeah, the way it was!
The way it was, make fun of those fucking races,
fuck it we're white, woo.
Nice legs, fucking daisy dukes on a fucking dude,
I gotta respect that.
Did you roll them up yourself or did you get help?
- No I rolled them. - You did them yourself,
fucking rock and roll.
I needed help with these.
(audience laughing)
'Cause I'm a little chubby.
Fuck Trump, fuck he's fat too, Trump is a fat fuck.
That's like you calling me a fat fuck.
You'd never do it 'cause we're chubbies together,
that fat fuck.
(audience laughing)
Sorry I lost my mind, I just.
If you can't see your belt you don't call other people fat,
that's the rules.
(audience laughing)
My wife finally came to me, is that your girl right there,
yeah, you do weird shit, you do some weird?
(audience laughing)
You ever do some weird stuff like, you know weird,
like you ever role play, you ever do some role,
like you're this, I'm that, there's fucking action.
Speed rolling action, hello, what is your name?
My name's Gary, I'm a spy.
Oh you in the wrong room Gary.
(audience laughing)
We-- - Yeah, get into it!
(audience laughing)
- Settle down, we know you get into it.
(audience laughing)
What do you play a straight guy?
Hi how are you, I will not take any of your bullshit woman.
(audience laughing)
My wife finally came to me, she's like, "we can role play".
I was so excited.
Yeah it was like a big day, I've been wanting to for years.
She was like, "What do you wanna do?"
I'm like, "You're a massage therapist"
and she's like, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no."
I'm like, "What?"
She's like, "Too close to what I do."
I'm like, "That's bullshit, you're an aesthetician,
"you pop zits and wax vaginas,
"that's not even the same ballpark."
She's like, "I bought an outfit, we'll do my scenario."
- I'm like, "Fine!"
She goes, gets dressed, comes out, schoolgirl outfit,
backpack, lollipop, I'm like, "I'm 48, I'm not a pedophile,
"what the fuck, this is disgusting!
"You think I hang out at school yards?
"How is this better than you pretending
"you're a middle aged asian woman
"about to give me a mediocre back rub
"and then a stellar handjob?"
(upbeat music)