Well, hello there and welcome to this episode of The Terri Cole Show that I wanna start
with a question.
We all hear a lot out on the interweb about narcissists.
And my question to you is do you think that all narcissists are the life of the party,
bragging about their accomplishments?
You know, seducing people with their considerable charms only to torture them for a lifetime
afterwards?
Is that what's in your mind about a narcissist because if you're nodding your head, yes.
Then this episode of The Terri Cole Show is for you because that is not all narcissists.
That is just half the story.
So in this episode, I'm gonna be talking about the other half of the story.
What we're most familiar with publicly is the overt narcissist.
And in this episode, we're gonna be talking about the covert narcissist and making a distinction
between the two of them.
And I'm gonna give you the top 10 signs of a covert or vulnerable narcissist.
And I really don't think we hear enough about this.
And it's very important because this affliction is even more tricky and sort of deadly than
the overt, because the overt, we can really see; the covert is even more insidious.
So that is what we're gonna be covering in this episode.
Hey, before we get started, if you happen to be new to this YouTube channel, make sure
that you hit the bell, make sure that you subscribe because we put out new episodes
every Tuesday and every Thursday and I wouldn't want you to miss a thing.
Also, please introduce yourself in the comments because we are a really friendly group of
humans, and we would love to say hello to you.
So if you are new, my name is Terri Cole.
I'm a licensed psychotherapist, a relationship expert, and the author of Boundary Boss, which
you can get at boundarybossbook.com.
I wanna say, thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your participation in this channel.
I love it.
I read all of your comments and I love to highlight whatever comments you guys make.
So today I'm highlighting Sophia Fletcher Music on the episode called The Myth of Wellness
and How We Can Truly Heal with Kerrie Kelly, which is an interview I did with one of my
friends who has a great book out.
And Sophia says, "Totally love the way you respect each other so much, very refreshing
to see you lifting each other up.
Wonderful video and insights.
Thank you."
Well, thank you Sophia.
I appreciate you being here.
All right.
Let's move on to today's episode.
So let's first go over.
What is an overt narcissist?
What are the qualities of an overt narcissist?
Well, the ones that we know the most, right, they are that the person is outward and grandiose
and bragging.
And we hear a lot about love bombing, where they have these grand gestures to try to sort
of suck us into their vortex.
They are exaggerating their accomplishments.
They are really charismatic.
A lot of overt narcissists have a lot of charisma.
And that is something that is kind of well known.
They also get off on narcissistic supply, which sadly is the pain of other people and
sort of stirring the pot and making problems, right?
Your pain, your emotional pain, tends to be the thing that fuels an overt and a covert
narcissist.
So those qualities, we know what they are, right?
Because they're really out there in the world so much of the time, but let's talk a little
bit about vulnerable narcissists or covert narcissists because they present very differently.
So let's start with that.
Instead of being out there and loud and drawing attention to themselves, the way the overt
narc does, a covert or vulnerable narcissist is more shy and socially withdrawn.
So again, we wouldn't normally associate that with a narcissist, but it is true.
There's similarities in covert and overt narcs where- very highly sensitive to any perceived
criticism, which with a vulnerable narcissist, they are very defensive, but highly sensitive.
You might not even be being critical and they can interpret or perceive a request from you
as you saying they're doing something wrong, even if you're not.
So again, you're walking on eggshells around a covert or vulnerable narcissist in a very
similar way that you eventually start walking on eggshells around an overt or more grandiose
narcissist.
With the vulnerable narcissist, they have super grandiose fantasies.
You won't necessarily hear them talking about it.
They do a lot of their communication in passive aggressive ways.
So instead of overtly putting you down or putting someone else down, they're so jealous-
that's the next is the there's gonna be a whole lot of, uh, envy that goes on with a
vulnerable narcissist, but they'll say, oh, must be nice to have a family that can pay
for you to go to school.
Uh, must be nice to have the support that I never had.
Interesting.
So again, it's, they can never be happy for someone else because they're so incredibly
self-absorbed that everything is a comparison to them, right?
So everything is like something good happening to you is most definitely something bad happening
to the vulnerable narcissist.
There is no way that they can be happy for you.
Their grandiose fantasies- this is, they're less likely to voice them.
So they have very rich fantasy lives where they're thinking about their unlimited power
and success and adoration from other people.
It's rare that they're really coming out and talking about it.
They're also super passive aggressive.
So that's a really important and very obvious one where even though they're sort of doing
it in a subtle way, if they're a vulnerable narcissist, but they're never overt about
it, they have this subtle superiority that they're always sort of making these passive
aggressive comments about.
There's an arrogance in the vulnerable narcissist that if you really listen to the content of
what they're talking about, you can hear and feel the arrogance that they have, that they
truly believe.
I mean, this is one of the core beliefs is that they are superior to other people.
And again, with an overt narcissist, we know this because they are telling us, they are
bragging about it.
They are not hiding the fact that only the best for them and that they're the best.
And does that person know who they are type of thing.
Like the way that a grandiose or overt narcissist talks makes it really obvious that we know
that that's what they are.
Much more sneaky and subtle when we're talking about a vulnerable narcissist, but the passive
aggressive behavior is there: slamming a door, rolling their eyes, like they're passive aggressive
in all different ways of expressing their displeasure with you.
This sort of subtle superiority is sort of laced in with everything that they're doing
and saying.
And the next is them being very envious us of other people.
So again, back to something good happening for someone else in the vulnerable narcissist
mind that is actually something bad happening to them.
So their ability to be happy for someone else, something good happening to someone else does
not exist.
It's all about them all the time, but let's move on to the next trait, which is they do
not, and cannot have actual empathy for anyone, which they share this trait with the overt
narcs as well, but with a vulnerable narc, they're going to present as like they do have
empathy, right?
Same thing with some overt narcissists, but with a covert or vulnerable narcissist, they
get good at pretending to be empathetic to someone else.
It's almost like they learn how to mirror or mimic empathy, but they don't actually
have empathy.
Because again, this is a core and telltale sign of any narcissistic personality disorder
is that they lack the ability to have actual empathy for others.
So that's something to really look out for because it's very painful being in any relationship
with someone who cannot have compassion or empathy for you because if you're in pain,
they can't really care.
It may behoove them to pretend they care.
But there's always, it's always a means to an end with a vulnerable or an overt narcissist
where they will act empathic if it's going to get them what they want from you.
If it's going to put them in a position to get their need met or give them their narcissistic
supply.
Another tendency with vulnerable narcissists is they have a tendency to hold grudges.
So they will remember- they're so thin skinned.
And even though the difference here is that with an overt narcissist, you know they're
holding grudges because they are saying they're holding grudges, right?
Or they're putting the other person down or saying like what an idiot they are.
The vulnerable narcissist they've got a huge file cabinet of resentment in their mind.
And they are holding grudges.
And what they really want is revenge.
I think with both- with both types, but it's sort of like the vulnerable narc will bide
their time until they can sort of exact their revenge, but they don't forget any slight
that happens to them in their mind.
Right?
Even if it's something, of course from the outside, you could look at it and say, well,
you brought this on yourself.
Nope.
They will not see that at all.
They are really, really attached to their victim mentality.
Another thing with vulnerable narcissists is that they're really into talking about
how unfair the world is.
They got a raw deal in life, according to them.
And that's why they're not creating the success or the unlimited wealth that they want.
That's why they're not right now being admired is because they got a raw deal.
They got the short end of the stick, according to them, in life.
The way that they talk about this, you can tell because there's a lot of the underlying
themes.
And a lot of the conversations with a vulnerable narcissist is how unfair it all is, it's all
unfair.
And the only reason you, if you're in a relation with them, may have any success at all is
because life wasn't unfair to you, but life was unfair to them.
It's so exhausting.
The negativity with a vulnerable narcissist is overwhelming the negativity about the world,
the negativity about theirs in life, always complaining, never happy.
It's really exhausting.
And it's very difficult to stay in a relationship with any kind of narcissist, but a vulnerable
narcissist, because it's not as overt as the outwardly grandiose narcs that we're very
familiar with.
It's simply exhausting.
And I can tell you from my therapy practice, I've had clients in relationships with vulnerable
narcissists, where it's exhausting to the point where you hit a tipping point where
you can't- a lot of people can't do it anymore.
And the difficulty with this is that there's a lot of being privately tortured by a vulnerable
narcissist.
I think it's actually the same, honestly, with the more grandiose
and overt, because what people see on the outside with a grandiose narcissist is how
charming they are.
You'll hear people saying well, I've never had a problem with them.
They've always been incredibly nice and charming to me, right?
And the last trait I want to talk about is that they have a tendency to lean towards
anxiety and depression.
So there's all of this internal turmoil that is provoking in some ways their behavior.
But again, if you're involved, if you're in a relationship with them, you feel the burden
of their anxiety and of their depression.
And it's something that it makes life so depressing, but remember with a vulnerable narcissist,
for sure, they have this deep rooted belief that they are unique and therefore they deserve
what it is that they want in life.
And that the fact that life is not serving that up on a platter to them is really pissing
them off.
They also have this profound desire to exact revenge, and that can be scary right?
on those who have hurt them, or who just have attained greater success than they have attained
in their life.
So it's like wishing ill on others because they've actually just been more successful
in life than the vulnerable narcissist.
I think that the part that's very tricky is that the covert narc, they come off as shy,
right?
So it's hard to reconcile these two things that this shy person can really believe that
they're super superior to all the people in their lives.
And certainly they think they're superior to you if you're in a relationship with them.
And yet again, the public face of someone who is sort of shy socially, they could be
awkward even.
Now, we don't see this with overt narcs, because socially they're holding court.
They're the life of the party.
They're telling the stories that everyone's laughing at.
All your friends, if you have a grandiose narcissist parent, all your friends are like,
oh my God, your mom is so cool.
Your dad is so cool.
Yeah.
Not to you, right?
Because you then are dealing with what is happening inside the home, which is that,
you know, it's not free living with any kind of a narcissist.
The payment is super duper steep, but I think that it's even more insidious with a vulnerable
or covert narcissist because people don't see them that way on the outside.
Right?
They see them as this shy and maybe insecure person.
I hope that this episode itself gave you information that maybe you didn't have before about the
two types of narcissism.
And then within those types, we have different categories, which of course I can't handle
all of that in one episode, but I just felt like I'd been hearing a lot about this out
on the interwebs, people talking about narcissism, and I was like, but there's not that much
talk about the covert or vulnerable narcissist.
So for more information about this and these signs and symptoms, you can go get the guide,
which is at terricole.com/guide.
I hope that this added value to your life and that you use this episode as like a warning
sign and learning ways to protect yourself from overt or covert narcs.
But before you can do any of that, you have to raise your awareness about the signs and
symptoms of what it looks like, narcissism, both covert and overt.
So I hope you guys have an amazing week and as always take care of you.