>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT GUEST IS A VERY FUNNY
COMEDIAN WHO ALSO HAPPENS TO WRITE FOR THE SHOW YOU'RE
WATCHING RIGHT NOW.
IN FACT, HE WROTE THIS INTRODUCTION.
PLEASE WELCOME, DJANGO GOLD!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> THANK YOU!
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS HAVE
HEARD, BUT I GUESS THE ROBOTS ARE COMING TO TAKE ALL OF OUR
JOBS.
( LAUGHTER ) NOT ALL AT ONCE.
THE ROBOTS ARE GOING TO TAKE OUR JOBS GRADUALLY, BEGINNING WITH
THE INDUSTRY OF TRUCK DRIVING.
WE'RE ABOUT TO START SEEING A LOT OF ROBOT TRUCKERS OUT THERE
ON THE HIGHWAY, WHICH I KNOW SOUNDS SCARY, BUT PERSONALLY I'M
OKAY WITH IT AS LONG AS THE ROBOT TRUCK DRIVERS STILL
RESPOND TO THIS COMMAND.
( LAUGHTER ) THEY'RE ALSO WORKING ON ROBOTS
YOU CAN HAVE SEX WITH, ALTHOUGH I WAS SURPRISED TO HEAR THAT
BECAUSE I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT WE ALREADY HAVE
ROBOTS YOU CAN HAVE SEX WITH.
I BELIEVE IT'S CALLED A TENNIS BALL CANON.
( LAUGHTER ) SEX ROBOTS, THE WHOLE IDEA
BEHIND THAT STRUCK ME AS KIND OF SILLY, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE SEX
ISN'T THAT IMPRESSIVE.
IT'S BASIC AND BY LOGIC.
IF YOU WANT TO IMPRESS ME, I WANT TO SEE ROBOTS THAT CAN
FULFILL OTHER FUNCTIONS OF A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP.
LIKE I WANT A ROBOT GIRLFRIEND THAT WILL GIVE ME THE EMOTIONAL
SUPPORT I NEED TO GO BACK TO GRAD SCHOOL.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW, LIKE, I WANT TO GET
INTO A TENSE, HUSHED ARGUMENT WITH A ROBOT IN THE KITCHEN AT A
PARTY, YOU KNOW.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW, SOMETHING LIKE, BLEEP,
BLOOP, YOU'RE TAKING MY WORDS OUT OF CONTEXT!
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T CARE IF I'M SHOUTING,
THEY'RE YOUR FRIENDS, NOT MINE!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I UNDERSTAND, THOUGH, WHY SOME PEOPLE ENJOY SEX, YOU KNOW.
( LAUGHTER ) LIKE, FOR EXAMPLE, I REMEMBER
ONCE, WHEN I WAS A KID, ONE DAY I FOUND MY UNCLE'S DECK OF NAKED
LADY PLAYING CARDS, YEAH...
YOU GUYS KNOW THOSE NAKED LADY PLAYING CARDS, RIGHT?
YOU ALL FOUGHT IN KOREA.
( LAUGHTER ) THOSE NAKED LADY PLAYING CARDS
ARE GREAT BECAUSE THEY REALLY SOLVE THE PROBLEM YOU SOMETIMES
RUN INTO WHEN YOU'RE PLAYING CARDS WITH YOUR BUDDIES BUT
YOU'RE NOT FULLY AROUSED.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S LIKE WHY BOTHER, YOU KNOW?
YOU CALL THIS A MAN CAVE?
( LAUGHTER ) LATELY, I HAVE BEEN MAKING AN
EFFORT TO IMPROVE MY DIET, WHICH HAS BEEN DIFFICULT, BECAUSE I
GOT A BAD DIET, OH, I TELL YA.
IT'S A BAD DIET, MAN.
I EAT LIKE A FAT 8-YEAR-OLD WITH A CREDIT CARD.
PROBLEM IS, THERE'S JUST TOO MANY TEMPTATIONS OUT THERE, YOU
KNOW, LIKE POTATO CHIPS -- YOU GUYS SEE THIS?
( LAUGHTER ) THE LARGEST BAG OF CHIPS THEY
CURRENTLY SELL IS 24-OUNCES, AND THEY HAVE THE GALL TO LABEL IT
"FAMILY SIZE."
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S OPTIMISTIC.
YES.
IF ANYONE ASKS, IT WAS DEFINITELY MY FAMILY THAT
CONSUMED 24-OUNCES OF COOL RANCH LAST NIGHT AT 3:00 A.M.
( LAUGHTER ) STANDING AT THE SINK WITH THE
LIGHTS OFF.
( LAUGHTER ) WEE!
ALSO POLISHED OFF A NICE FAMILY-SIZED BOTTLE OF VODKA.
( LAUGHTER ) REALLY BROUGHT US CLOSER
TOGETHER.
TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM.
( LAUGHTER ) ALCOHOL?
THAT'S A TEMPTATION.
ACTUALLY, I RECENTLY LEARNED A FUN FACT ABOUT ALCOHOL THAT YOU
GUYS MAY BE INTERESTED IN WHICH IS, APPARENTLY, HUMAN BEINGS
HAVE BEEN CONSUMING ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES SINCE 10,000B.C., AND
THE REASON WE KNOW THIS IS I GUESS THIS GROUP OF
ARCHEOLOGISTS THAT DUG UP ALL THE CERAMIC POTS THAT CONTAINED
A SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT OF RESIDUE OF PALM WINE, WHICH SAID IN
10,000 B.C. AT A PARTY THERE WAS ALWAYS SOME LITTLE PITCH THAT
COULDN'T FINISH HIS PALM WINE!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE REASON I STARTED DRINKING IN THE FIRST PLACE IS MOSTLY, AS A
METHOD OF COMBATING MY SEVERE SOCIAL ANXIETY.
I SUFFER FROM PRETTY BAD ANXIETY.
IT'S NOT NORMALLY SOMETHING I'M COMFORTABLE TALKING ABOUT UNLESS
I'M PERFORMING ON NATIONAL TELEVISION.
( LAUGHTER ) OH, DEAR GOD.
BUT ANXIETY IS PRETTY COMMON NOWADAYS.
DOES ANYONE HERE SUFFER FROM ANXIETY?
( CHEERING ) YEAH?
OKAY.
YOU DO RIGHT THERE?
YEAH.
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, WE WERE ALL TALKING ABOUT
THAT BEFORE YOU GOT HERE.
( LAUGHTER ) NO, ANXIETY IS TOUGH, MAN.
IT REALLY IS.
IT MAKES LIFE DIFFICULT, YOU KNOW.
LIKE, FOR ME, LIKE I CAN BE PRETTY AWKWARD AROUND WOMEN,
ALSO MEN.
( LAUGHTER ) AND CHILDREN.
AND REALISTIC PUPPETS.
ALSO SOMETIMES WHEN YOU GO INTO A DINER AND THEY USE CHOCOLATE
CHIPS TO GIVE A PANCAKE A FACE.
THAT CAN BE INTIMIDATING.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M ALWAYS, LIKE, NO, MAN, LET'S
JUST PAY THE CHECK AND GET OUT OF HERE.
I DON'T LIKE THE WAY THAT FLAPJACK'S STARING AT ME.
THANK YOU!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: YOU CAN LEARN MORE
ABOUT DJANGO AT HIS WEBSITE DJANGOGOLD.COM.
DJANGO GOLD, EVERYBODY!