A couple who is dealing with a dead bedroom was given this
common piece of advice by their sex therapist. And guess what?
It almost ruined their whole relationship. And what's worse
is I bet you've heard this and maybe even tried this dangerous
advice for yourself. And what was the advice that had them
come running to me? Well, their therapist told them to watch
porn together. Why did the therapist give them this advice?
And why do I think it is such crap? Well, their bedroom had
gone cold. The husband was still feeling really sexual and often
aroused, but he couldn't figure out a way to get his wife on
board. She struggled with low libido high sensitivity and was
easily overwhelmed sex was the last thing on her mind and
getting into the mood felt impossible. The therapists
advice was simple. Try watching porn together to get into a
sexual headspace and reignite the spark. But boy, did this go
wrong. The effects of watching porn as a way of fixing your
bedroom challenges can sneak up on you and take you over in ways
that you may not expect. I'll tell you why and what to do
instead. But first, we've got to understand why so many people
turn to porn for help in the first place. You see, on the
surface, it seems totally logical. I mean, many people
watch porn to get themselves off, right? So surely, if you do
it together, even better, it'll get you both in the mood wrong.
First of all, think about the kind of porn that you watch.
Even beyond that. Think about porn in general, would you say
that it is reflective or real sex between two normal loving
people who are not porn stars. Although porn culture would like
us to believe that porn is sex. Porn is not sex. And it doesn't
reflect real gratifying sex between two people. And if
you're watching it to inspire you into having sex, and your
relationship is already on the rocks while viewing a bunch of
unrealistic expectations probably isn't the best way to
guide you back towards genuine, real connected sex between two
people. I mean, I am a white woman with a curvy body and all
of the standards of beauty that most porn stars have. And porn
makes me feel oh, so insecure that I could throw up. It's not
exactly arousing. The most complicated thing though, is
that even though on some level, we all know this, our brain is
wired to do this like super toxic thing when we're watching
this type of content. Which brings me to my next point, I'm
gonna put this simply if every time you want to sleep with your
wife, you have to watch 20 minutes of a shredded guy with a
tenant a plant and abs of steel, rocking his rock hard, never
ending erection and railing her until the cows come home. You
might start wondering how you stack up and as for women, even
worse, I mean we're already dealing all the time with
society telling us that our bodies aren't good enough, send
enough white enough etc. Watching a woman with a
surgically altered labia performatively Mone and bend her
body like a pretzel. It doesn't do much for the average woman
self esteem. The truth about porn is that it makes most of us
feel self conscious. So needless to say, every time this couple
watched porn together, it actually made them question
whether their bodies were the problem whether their
performance was the problem whether they were doing
something wrong or not doing enough because their sex doesn't
look like that resulted in them feeling more disconnected from
each other, but not just that also disconnected from
themselves and their own sexuality. And we can all get
hung up on unrealistic body expectations. And I know some of
y'all want to say right now in the comments. Caitlyn there's
porn with a diversity of bodies. Be I get it, the best way to
avoid it is to limit the amount of exposure that we have to
unrealistic standards and actually relying on sex inside
of other people is not the way to bring it back into ourselves.
Listen, for me, the only kind of porn that does not make me feel
uncomfortable is watching solo male porn. That's that is a true
fact about Caitlyn V, the only kind of porn that I watch is
just a single man jacking off. And guess what? I'm married to a
straight guy. So that's probably not something that he's going to
want to watch with me and think about it. How often do our porn
preferences actually sync up with our partners anyway, what
he's into is not what I'm into. This is a another big reason
that this advice given to this couple was so ineffective, but
that's actually not the biggest reason that I'm against it. You
know, porn ultimately is a solo activity. And I think it's
pretty much best just to keep it that way, unless you and your
partner already love and enjoy watching it together. Of course,
when this couple came to me, they didn't have the framework
the ability to see what the problem truly was. She was
blaming her insecurities on herself and he was feeling more
out of touch and disconnected than ever. And on top of that,
they started to feel like something was really broken, if
even what the therapist recommended couldn't solve the
issue. In coaching. She revealed to me that she was disgusted by
the kind of porn he wanted to watch. She hated looking at
younger women who are thinner and more artificial and she
wondered if that was actually what he wanted. And mean not to
mention that she already wasn't feeling sexual. Now she's
feeling disgusted by sex itself, which is worse than just
uninterested. Needless to say, the distance and the pain
between them only increased. Aside from all of the ways that
porn can negatively affect your real sexual relationship.
There's an even larger underlying issue with this
advice that goes far beyond porn itself. When it comes to
reigniting a stale sex life. People who don't have an
advanced understanding of sexual psychology will often try to add
things into the dynamic to spice things up, add porn can add some
sex toys, add some BDSM, add some roleplay, add a third
person, it's always about adding more and more and more. And
look, I am all for trying new things to spice things up, see
the 300 plus videos on this channel. But if you're only
focusing on additions, you're forgetting a critical part of
how female sexuality actually works. Because if you're only
focusing on what you can add, you're operating under the
assumption that something is missing. But when it comes to
women in their sexualities, it is not often about what's
missing. It's about what's standing in the way. In other
words, what's already here that we actually got to get rid of.
Well, as much as I hate to compare women to cars, this is
actually a super easy way to explain it. Just like a car, all
sexuality operates on a dual control model. So there's a gas
pedal, you get a more and then there's the brake pedal, aka
less whenever you add something to the bedroom, it's like you're
pushing harder on the gas. But if your foot is still on the
brake, well guess what? You're not gonna go very far. So porn
falls in the category of slam on the gas. But rather than add,
what if actually, what we need to do is just take our other
foot off of the brake. In other words, figure out what is
stopping her from getting turned on in the first place. And that
is what I told this couple. It was a simple question that
changed everything. When I asked her what was stopping her from
feeling sexually alive, the floodgates opened, she told me
she was stressed at home. She told me she felt like all their
responsibility to take care of the house and the kids fell on
her. She told me she was stressed about her full time
job. She said she was drained. By the time they got into bed
every single night, she felt resentful, the daily
responsibilities of life were taking up all the space in her
head, she couldn't remember the last time she had just a day to
herself a couple of hours to focus on an experience of pure
relaxation, and pleasure. And it wasn't his fault. I mean, he's
doing the best that he can. But no one can go from high stress,
high intensity to orgasmic pleasured completely relaxed and
opened with ease. If they're not wired that way. It's not about
attraction. It's not about needing to watch naked bodies.
It's not about genitals or people being on camera. It's
about establishing a better balance in the gas and the brake
in the pleasure and the work of life, the stress of chores and
cast, the things that we deal with are pushing down the brakes
for so many of us women, especially because we are so
sensitive to that and as much as her husband with his sexual
Blueprint was able to switch into gear quickly because that's
how he was fired. He was wired to see naked people and then
instantly be aroused, and want sex and good for him. But she
was her energetic blueprint required time to switch gears to
slowly remove the pressure off the brakes, to connect to her
body and to him to connect to the idea of pleasure itself in
order to even want sex. And as much as they pumped the gas with
porn, they were not gonna get anywhere because we were missing
the underlying root at the core of the issue. Now there are a
lot of potential reasons that a woman does not have interest in
sex. Just like there are a lot of potential reasons that a man
is dealing with inconsistent erections, it can come down to
how you're raised past relationships, sexual trauma, a
build up resentment, a loss of trust, it may have nothing to do
with your current partner. It may be all rooted in the past
and previous situations. And whatever it is, I always suggest
that a couple look at what is slamming on the brakes before
they push harder on the gas. As an aside, this is the entire
foundation upon which I built my heart as you want. Of course,
for men who are dealing with erectile dysfunction, it is not
enough just to look at the physical body which is where
most people stop or as the mental aspects which is where
most therapists Stop it is physical, mental, emotional,
social, and relational. And that's why I built heart as you
want to incorporate all of those different areas in order to help
you get hard and stay hard for this couple. That realization
was a game changer. They took a look at how to actually
eliminate stress and increase pleasure how to feel connected,
how to feel valued, supported, they
took the time to clear up all of the stuff that was getting in
the way and you know what they were left with downright filthy
sex that they had been missing out on for wages. I mean, the
kind of sex that you won't see in porn because it's real
because it's unique and intimate to the people who are having it.
So please, if you've ever heard that porn is a good way to bring
the spark back into your bedroom, and then all you got to
do is watch some porn with your wife. Think of that as a dirty
bandaid on top of a serious wound. It doesn't solve the
problem and it might only infect it further. I'm Caitlin B. Thank
you for watching. Please check out my heart as you want course
link is in the description. And I'll see you here next week.