welcome to the surviving BPD relationship breakup podcast with your host counselor
and Trauma recovery coach AJ Mahari AJ has over 30 years experience specializing in recovery from BPD
relationship breakups and offers expert knowledge in-depth understanding delivered with compassion
and empathy to purchase in book sessions please visit ajmahari.ca welcome to the show here's your
host AJ Mahari seven borderline behaviors that can help you to know that no you're not just imagining
things and you really are probably with somebody who has BPD whether they've been diagnosed or not
so number one you might get blocked early on in the relationship because you might make a
joke you know like maybe about a certain kind of music or music or something and you like it
and you think maybe they like it but you know next thing you know there's like a withdrawal
with a quiet borderline potentially and you get blocked or ghosted or silent treatment or
in other cases raged at because of your opinion about a song that you mentioned
so a second thing that can be an indicator that this is somebody with BPD whether they've been
diagnosed or not or said anything to you or not is if you get immediately blocked for saying
that not everything in the country where you live with maybe your borderline partner or your partner
you're not sure they have BP or not but when you say everything about the country that you live
in isn't horrible isn't awful and they either block you or rage at you or get majorly really
upset and it could lead to like an argument or a jade conversation of like things just
getting more and more complicated and confusing and not making much sense and a third way or a
third indicator let's put it that way I'm just reading from a person's comment and switching it
around a little in terms of how I'm presenting them yeah have you been broken up with like you
know a couple times already a couple times in a couple months maybe four or five times in five
months maybe monthly maybe eight times in a year you've been broken up with but like it
doesn't last long and they come back and so you're starting to really think well it's not really a
breakup right so and has that happened maybe for the reason of um no just just you don't know why
and there was never any way to have a rational conversation about whatever it was that you you
might have thought something said something not that that makes you at fault and the person you
know your partner your girlfriend your boyfriend is like well you know like totally just emotion
just regulated raging or is it the clapboard line they're blocking you again or they're like I just
you know they don't say anything to you there's no rational conversation could be a myriad of things
that trigger this person but this is another way that you can know that this person definitely
isn't healthy or or healthy enough for you because this is like BPD Behavior BPD reactions so the
fourth one is have you ever encountered trying to talk to this person in your life or if you're
thinking about the person that was in your life with BPD or a suspected BPD they just get really
uncomfortable and they they get they grow more angry and sometimes they seem really distant
and maybe dissociated at the time they're really distant not very present to the Here and Now
and then that happens maybe because you just didn't agree with what they said
like maybe you were having a conversation about a TV show or a movie you watched and they might have
a certain opinion and you just you know like people do you say well I yeah I don't know I
didn't really see it that way because I thought that this character was you know more like this
and just you know trying to have a conversation well they feel disagreed with so they feel kind
of abandoned by that even and then there's a big response it's like just like what because nothing
happened here so in the fifth one this person that girlfriend boyfriend husband or wife person you've
been with with you think with BPD or is it your ex now that you're watching videos to learn more
about this about but if you're still doubting that person lots of people go I'm not really sure if he
or she had BPD so uh you know like should I have done this or that or I don't know if I should do
this or that or go no contact because no I'm not really sure so here's like I said the fifth way
or fifth indicator that you probably are somebody with BBD or who could be diagnosed with it they
take no accountability for their anger or the way they yell at you or the way they won't talk
to you all of a sudden they distance and again blocking perhaps or not and they might end up you
know crying and or angry this is all this like big response and you're like what and if you confront
them about what you're experiencing so about their behavior but what you're experiencing there's this
big blow up maybe denial crying tears Rage or the silence treatment or they just they just ghost you
there or block you right there depending if that's happening in person or not the sixth indicator
that you may well be with somebody with BPD or who could be diagnosed with BPD when you have a
breakup and maybe it will be the last breakup but you're not sure yet you're in that limbo place
and the person says to you I don't owe you anything you know just really dismiss a really
distant really cold maybe even a loop I don't owe you anything like what's your problem what are you
trying to talk to me for like I'm out of here or maybe they left already or they blocked you
on stuff again and you're like trying to have a conversation whether that's on the phone or
FaceTime texting or if if you're in the same place in this kind of example after they say maybe like
whatever's going on there I don't owe you anything or they might say I never even loved you anyway or
you're such a narcissist like the way they just say stuff if you're trying to explain how you're
experiencing their behavior it makes you it leaves you feeling really anxious and distant and then
it might be leaving you with feeling less able to make a commitment or if you've made one you might
be really thinking about you know undoing that and the seventh kind of indicator that you're
with somebody with BPD whether you know that for sure they're diagnosed or not diagnosed whenever a
strong feelings come up or feelings your feelings in particular if you like that person a partner
or person you were with kind of hides will block you or ghost you and be very angry and or rageful
using anger and chaos and drama instead of just communicating these things don't start out really
complicated what the communication is about but next thing you know it's like big explosion what's
happening here and then you know like if the person gets really angry for example and you're
suspecting BPD they get really angry and you're trying to talk to them and they get really angry
because not because of what you're saying but for their own reasons with that and then maybe they'll
say something like oh the only time you ever want to talk to me is when I'm angry you know like but
anytime you try to talk to them they get angry so are you walking on those eggshells I'm trying not
to have those conversations that you know you need to have you need to express your feelings you need
to express how you feel about things but you're walking on those eggshells because you just know
it's going to end up in like you're going to get blocked you're gonna get ghosted or you're
gonna get uh the silent treatment or you're gonna get raged at wow can you relate to that
many people have experienced this of course but many people still doubt themselves
as to the fact that they're with somebody with either undiagnosed and or untreated BPD but people
will become more fearful more anxious around when when you need to talk about things that
you really feel like you do then people really end up suppressing that so if you feel like you can't
even really trust the person that you're with to hear you about what you feel right you're not
you're not saying to the other person well you know you did this and you did that you're just
trying to say you know I'm really having a hard time because I'm feeling like I'm not being heard
or whenever I get upset you know there's reasons why I get upset and I feel like you don't listen
to me which can draw a pretty angry response from people that likely have BPD or that you may
really highly suspect or you may know but lots of people even when they know people of codependency
usually tend to disbelieve their own experience right and still wanting that experience to be
different all seven of them without a doubt sound like that yes the patterns of the way that people
who could have BPD and not be diagnosed or people with BPD often do react respond behave and have an
inability to communicate with you because a lot of these examples had communication needs that when
I met in them right and this is something that often makes people with codependency try harder
and harder because you are trying to be heard and be seen and maybe help you the other person
if they're really upset with something and this is going to be a really familiar feeling for a
lot of people with codependency but people still have that in their unconscious when they're in
these relationships because it's going to get more and more painful it's going to hurt more and more
you're going to get more and more frustrated and at the same time be walking on more and
more eggshells because you don't really want the response that you get but your feelings are going
to build and build and build and the denial was really strong for people with codependency and
clients ask me this all the time too you know it's understandable even in the face of obvious
what I what I hear from clients for example it definitely sounds like those patterns like I've
had clients and I think I've seen people write on the channel here that she or he was diagnosed
with EBD but I still can't I kind of really can't believe it was that because does that mean that
when they did and then just think about those seven kind of things that you could encounter
and it's all really around the relational communication aspects of trying to relate
to this person and everything goes off the rails well that's not quote healthy unquote that's not
an average healthy person at all that's somebody who's really showing that inability within BPD
and those patterns to be able to hear you or see you or know the difference between where they end
and where you begin the boundary between self and other so this is seven examples of what happens
when you're trying to relate to somebody with the patterns of even if not diagnosed or even if
diagnosed but untreated patterns of BPD and again the fact that they don't have a self from which to
really be able to consider you hear you really experience you for who you are in the here and
now probably is it helpful to somebody who's still maybe maybe you're an ex now maybe you're in limbo
but you're still doubting was that really what I thought it was and and if you've experienced
or could relate to any of these seven things again mostly all around communication but don't forget
when you don't agree with the person with BPD or suspected BPD they're trying to seek unconsciously
they're trying to seek identity through you so it involves a lot of mirroring and they're projecting
and projective identification so even if you say for example like that your country isn't horrible
because I mean you live in the same country and you know this person's always dragging down the
country everything's all because people are buried with these patterns or with very very negative
more often than not and so you know if you just say something like well but our country isn't
horrible because they're saying all this negative stuff and the next thing you know is become this
big massive like problem and they're either giving you the silent treatment or if on the phone they
might hang up on you or if you were texting back and forth they might stop and block you and or
they might be raging at you and it's like what but it's because when you don't agree with them
they feel abandoned because they are trying to Define self unconsciously through you and
so you're just supposed to mirror what they think what they believe and their opinions and
at the same time you're supposed to be a mind reader and know what they're feeling and why
they're feeling it and good luck with that because if you if you can relate to that too another sign
of BPD or patterns up if somebody isn't diagnosed because this is the childlike aspect in them
that experiences you as that object other parent representation and they're not thinking about you
and they're not relating to you and you're trying to relate to them and all these things happen in
these relational attempts and the communication and they're just they're triggered already and
they're just starting to experience you like wounding parent and then it's like but you're
supposed to read their mind you're supposed to know what they need and you're just supposed
to give it to them and agree with them and it's like where are you in that equation so maybe one
of the takeaways if you can relate to just really not being seen or heard not just feeling unseen
and unheard but really not being seen and heard and whenever you have a feeling or something you
want to talk about because you're feeling hurt and you just in in all the Myriad of ways that
I went over in general you just get stonewalled or you just get punished you just get angry they
block they withdraw any of those things are all BPD pattern ways of avoiding the communication
especially if there's any hint even that you're looking for them to be accountable or responsible
but often people aren't really right there all the time you're just trying to get heard because
something they do or say often or the patterns of their responses and behavior really hurt you and
when you are regularly or often hurt by someone even if you just started dating them let alone in
a relationship or more so a marriage as well then that is a really negative sign a really unhealthy
sign that the person you're relating to likely has the patterns of it BPD if they haven't been
already diagnosed with it because there's nothing about getting to know someone dating them or being
in a relationship with them whether married or not that love should ever hurt people can have
misunderstandings they're going to hurt each other here and there in relationships but not to the
degree to which people are hurt by not even being seen or heard or respected you're not really a
part of that relationship you become the caretaker for this person with the patterns of or who might
have been diagnosed with epd and that's one way lacking mutuality reciprocity age-appropriate
emotionally mature relating communicating and without the respect and the ability for
someone that you're dating or you've been in a relationship with or married to for years
without that mutuality and reciprocity then you just have what John Bradshaw called mystified
love and it's not love and it wounds and it tears at you and it tears you down healthy
love doesn't necessarily just build people up but it certainly doesn't tear them down and the
Nuance of communication between people in general but specifically dating or in a relationship or
marriage should be such that each person can have their own opinion and each person gets heard and
each person's feelings matter not just the one person who every time you say anything or turn
around or have a feeling or a need or reference yourself just gets emotionally just regulated
in Kabob or the silent lack of KaBoom but then nothing's working out and you're always sort of
quote to blame unquote makes no sense and it is not love you've been listening to the surviving
BPD relationship breakup podcast our passion is to bring expert information for people that are
hurt by someone with BPD we truly hope you've gotten something from the show make sure to
like rate and review for more or get sessions with AJ go to ajmahari.ca see you next time