LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO THE LATE SHOW.
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
HOW'S EVERYBODY FEELING TONIGHT?
(AUDIENCE WOOS) THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE
VACCINATED.
AMONG THE UNVACCINATED, COVID CASES ARE ONCE AGAIN ON THE
RISE, DUE TO THE HIGHLY INFECTIOUS DELTA VARIANT.
INOCULATIONS HAVE SLOWED DRAMATICALLY, AND LESS THAN HALF
OF THE TOTAL U.S. POPULATION IS FULLY VACCINATED.
SO IF YOU THINK OF IT LIKE A PIE, ABOUT HALF OF THE PIE WOULD
MAF WOULD BE VACCINATEED WHILE THE OTHER
HALF WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO TASTE THE PIE BECAUSE THEY HAVE COVID!
THE RISING CASES ARE BEING FUELED BY VACCINE HESITANCY--
WHICH ITSELF IS BEING FUELED BY A DANGEROUS PATHOGEN
SCIENTISTS ARE CALLING THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.
AN IF THERE ARE ANY HIGH SCHOOL ENGLISH TEACHERS WATCHING,
PLEASE-- TRY TO STAY NEUTRAL.
TRY TO STAY NEUTRAL.
LAUGH LAUGH BUT NOW, THE FORECAST IS SO
DIRE, SOME PROMINENT REPUBLICANS ARE SPEAKING UP, LIKE SENATE
MINORITY LEADER AND CONDOM STUFFED WITH BABY FOOD,
MITCH McCONNELL.
YESTERDAY, McCONNELL URGED EVERYONE TO GET THE SHOT:
>> IT IS NOT AT ALL UNCLEAR THAT THE WAY TO AVOID GETTING
BACK IN THE HOSPITAL IS TO GET VACCINATED.
I WANT TO ENCOURAGE EVERYBODY TO DO THAT, AND TO IGNORE ALL OF
THESE OTHER VOICES THAT ARE GIVING DEMONSTRABLY BAD ADVICE.
>> Stephen: WOW.
I GOT TO SAY, AND I HOPE NO ONE EVER TAKES THIS OUT OF CONTEXT:
I AGREE WITH MITCH McCONNELL.
(LAUGHTER) S THAT, IT SEEMS LIKE A BAD
IDEA.
IT SEEMS LIKE A REALLY-- ALL RIGHT.
WE'VE ALSO SEEN A VACCINE CHANGE-OF-HEART FROM LOUISIANA
REPRESENTATIVE AND FROG WHO GOT KISSED AND TURNED INTO AN INJURY
ATTORNEY, STEVE SCALISE.
SCALISE FINALLY GOT HIS FIRST DOSE OF VACCINE LAST WEEK, AND
YESTERDAY, ENCOURAGED OTHERS TO DO THE SAME:
>> I'VE BEEN VACCINATED, MANY OF MY COLLEAGUES HAVE BEEN
VACCINATED, AND THE VACCINE IS SAFE, EFFECTIVE, AND IT'S WIDELY
AVAILABLE.
>> Stephen: YEAH, STEVE.
WE KNOW.
WE ALL GOT IT MONTHS AGO.
STEVE SCALISE IS LIKE THE GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT
"BRIDGERTON."
"IT'S LIKE JANE AUSTEN, BUT WITH HIGH, TIGHT MAN BUTT!
THAT SHONDA RIMES HAS GOT A REAL FUTURE."
BUT SCALISE SEEMS TO WANT IT BOTH WAYS, BECAUSE HE THEN
CRITICIZED PUBLIC HEALTH OUTREACH, SAYING "YOU'RE SEEING
SOME PEOPLE TRY TO BULLY PEOPLE INTO DOING THINGS INSTEAD OF
JUST ENCOURAGING THEM."
OKAY.
GOOD POINT.
INVITE PEOPLE IN, DON'T CALL THEM OUT.
SO TONIGHT, WE AT "THE LATE SHOW" HAVE UPDATED OUR PRIZE FOR
ANY UNVACCINATED AMERICANS WHO GET THE SHOT.
YOU WILL NOW WIN A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF LIFE, AND TIME, AND A
DREAM DATE WITH HARRISON FORD...
FAN...
MY STAGE MANAGER, MARK McKENNA!
BUT UNTIL WE GET MORE PEOPLE THEIR SHOTS, COVID WILL KEEP
STEAMING ALONG, WHICH IS WHY SOME PLACES ARE REINSTATING
MASK MANDATES.
LIKE CLARK COUNTY, NEVADA, HOME OF LAS VEGAS, WHICH PASSED
A RESOLUTION TO REQUIRE EMPLOYEES OF INDOOR PUBLIC
SPACES TO WEAR MASKS WHILE AT WORK.
TOUGH NEWS FOR MANY VEGAS EMPLOYEES, UNLESS YOU'RE A
VENTRILOQUIST, BECAUSE YOUR JOB JUST GOT A LOT EASIER.
BUT BEFORE CLARK COUNTY VOTED ON THE MASK RULE, THEY HELD A
MEETING FOR RESIDENTS TO VOICE THEIR CONCERNS, AND I'M
CONCERNED ABOUT THEIR RESIDENTS.
HERE'S ONE: >> ACTUALLY, MASKS PROBABLY
WORK AS GOOD AS A WHIFFLE BALL AS A CONDOM.
>> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL, MASKS WORK.
SECOND OF ALL, A WHIFFLE BALL IS ACTUALLY A GREAT WAY OF
PREVENTING PREGNANCY.
BECAUSE NO ONE WILL HAVE SEX WITH YOU IF YOU'VE GOT A WIFFLE
BALL ON YOUR PENIS.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THAT WORKS
BUT, NOT EVERYONE SAID DUMB THINGS.
SOME PEOPLE SAID FAST DUMB THINGS:
>> (SPEED TALKING) MY NAME IS JENNIFER BAILEY.
J-E-N-N-I-F-E-R B-A-I-L-E-Y.
THERE HAS BEEN ZERO SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE PROVIDED TO THE PUBLIC
TO SHOW JUST CAUSE FOR THESE TYRANNICAL MANDATES.
WHERE IS THEIR DATA?
NOTHING?
THE SCAM-DEMIC IS NOTHING BUT A B.S. SMOKESCREEN.
HOW IN GOOD CONSCIENCE CAN YOU BLATANTLY LIE AND STATE YOU ARE
"FOR THE PEOPLE" WHEN YOUR ACTIONS SHOW YOU ARE ONLY
SELF-SERVING FOR YOUR OWN GAIN?
OH, RIGHT, YOU COWARDLY HIDE BEHIND THOSE MASKS.
ALSO CURIOUS WHO BENEFITED FROM THE COVID RELIEF FUND.
IT WASN'T THE PUBLIC.
(STILL SPEED READING) I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW IF ANY OF
YOU HAVE A PAIR, BECAUSE THE ONE PERSON I CONSTANTLY SEE FIGHTING
FOR THE PEOPLE IS JOEY GILBERT WITHOUT FEAR.
WHERE ARE YOUR CAJONES?
(LAUGHTER) DID YOU SEE THE COP TRYING TO
SLOW HER DOWN?
>> Stephen: THAT'S NOT PUBLIC COMMENT-- THAT'S A GOOD,
OLD-FASHIONED CONSPIRACY AUCTIONEER!
(FAST LIKE AUCTIONEER) "HOOOWWWW CAN YOU IN GOOD
CONSCIENCE LIE TO THE PUBLIC WHEN YOU KNOW THAT THE VACCINE
CONTAINS A MICROCHIP-- ONE CHIP, TWO CHIP, THREE CHIP,
LADY IN THE FRONT ROW BEING CHIPPED-- SO THEY CAN EXTRACT
D.N.A. FROM OUR TOILET SEATS WHILE WE'RE SLEEPING, SO THEY
CAN CLONE US AND SELL OUR ORGANS TO GEORGE SOROS.
CAN I GET A BILL GATES?
PIZZA GATES, PIZZA GATES, SOLD!
TO THE CLINTON FAMILY, FOR THE PRICE OF ONE SPACE LASER!"
WE'VE GOT BREAKING NEWS THAT WASHINGTON IS STILL BROKEN.
TODAY, A HUGE DISAGREEMENT ERUPTED THIS AFTERNOON BETWEEN
HOUSE SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI AND HOUSE MINORITY LEADER AND JUST A
COMPLETE TOOL, KEVIN McCARTHY.
NEXT WEEK, THE HOUSE IS CONVENING THEIR SELECT COMMITTEE
INVESTIGATING THE JANUARY 6th RIOT.
SPEAKER PELOSI ANNOUNCED EIGHT MEMBERS OF THE COMMITTEE--
SEVEN DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICAN LIZ CHENEY.
WELL, MONDAY, McCARTHY PICKED HIS FIVE REPUBLICANS, AND THERE
SEEMED TO BE ONE COMMON DENOMINATOR IN ALL OF THE
MINORITY LEADER'S CHOICES: NO MINORITY CHOICES.
IT'S LIKE AN AD FOR INFERIOR BLEACH, BECAUSE THOSE ARE A
BUNCH OF DULL WHITES.
IT RUININGS YOUR COLORS.
THROW A SOCK IN THERE.
McCARTHY'S MOST CONTROVERSIAL CHOICE WAS OHIO REPRESENTATIVE
JIM JORDAN...
>> Stephen: I KNOW.
(BOOING) ...STARRING THIS FALL THE NEW
CBS SHOW, "SUBURBAN CAVEMAN."
"THERE GOES THE CAVE-BORHOOD!" JORDAN IS AN EXPERT ON THE
CAUSES OF JANUARY 6 BECAUSE HE HELPED CAUSE JANUARY 6.
HERE'S WHAT LIZ CHENEY HAS TO SAY ABOUT HIM IN A NEW BOOK:
"THAT (BLEEP) GUY JIM JORDAN.
THAT SON OF A (BLEEP).
WHILE THESE MANIACS ARE GOING THROUGH THE PLACE, I'M STANDING
IN THE AISLE, AND HE SAID, 'WE NEED TO GET THE LADIES AWAY FROM
THE AISLE.
LET ME HELP YOU.' I SMACKED HIS HAND AWAY AND TOLD
HIM, 'GET AWAY FROM ME.
YOU (BLEEP) DID THIS.'" DAMN, DAMN LIZ.
YES YES, HE DID DO THIS!
PUTTING HIM ON THE COMMISSION IS LIKE IF "SILENCE OF THE
LAMBS" ENDED WITH DEPUTIZING BUFFALO BILL!
ANOTHER DUBIOUS SELECTION WAS INDIANA CONGRESSMAN AND
VENTRILOQUIST DUMMY WHO WISHED TO BE A REAL DUMMY, JIM BANKS.
WELL, THIS AFTERNOON, PELOSI REJECTED BANKS AND JORDAN,
SAYING THEY MAY JEOPARDIZE THE INTEGRITY OF THE INVESTIGATION.
OF COURSE, THEY'RE TWO POTENTIAL SUSPECTS.
NANCY PELOSI CAN'T JUST LOOK THE OTHER WAY-- SHE'S NOT JIM JORDAN
IN THE SHOWERS AT OHIO STATE.
GOOGLE IT, GOOGLE IT.
IN RESPONSE, McCARTHY DID THIS: >> UNLESS SPEAKER PELOSI
REVERSES COURSE AND SEATS ALL THE REPUBLICANS, WE WILL NOT
PARTICIPATE.
>> Stephen: REALLY.
>> Stephen: I DON'T THINK THAT'S QUITE THE THREAT YOU THINK IT
IS, KEVIN.
(AS McCARTHY) "UNLESS YOU PROMISE TO SEAT
TWO PEOPLE WHO WANT TO DESTROY THIS COMMITTEE, YOU CAN'T HAVE
ANY OF THE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO DESTROY THIS COMMITTEE!
WE'RE LEAVING-- BUT WE MIGHT BREAK IN LATER AND STEAL YOUR
PODIUM AGAIN."
HERE'S THE THING.
PELOSI PROPOSED A BIPARTISAN COMMISSION, WHERE REPUBLICANS
GOT TO NAME AS MANY MEMBERS AS DEMOCRATS, AND YOU REJECTED IT,
SO NOW YOU'RE STUCK WITH WHAT YOU GET.
IT'S LIKE SOMEBODY WAS LIKE, "HEY, WE'RE ORDERING PIZZA, WHAT
DO YOU WANT ON YOUR HALF?" AND YOU SAID, "I DON'T BELIEVE
IN PIZZA," AND NOW THAT THE PIZZA IS HERE, AND YOU STILL GOT
OFFERED SOME SLICES, AND YOU'RE SAYING, "HEY, THIS IS MUSHROOM
AND ONIONS!
I DEMAND PEPPERONI AND FASCISM!" (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
McCARTHY SAYS HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE PART OF THE COOL KIDS CLUB,
SO HE'S STARTING HIS OWN CLUB.
>> WE WILL RUN OUR OWN INVESTIGATION.
WE HAVE LAW ENFORCEMENT, WE HAVE MILITARY, WE HAVE DOCTORS.
WE HAVE PEOPLE FROM ALL WALKS OF LIFE.
YES, KEVIN McCARTHY WILL HAVE PEOPLE FROM ALL WALKS OF LIFE:
LAW ENFORCEMENT.
MILITARY.
CONSTRUCTION WORKERS.
COWBOYS.
NATIVE AMERICANS.
AND OF COURSE, LEATHER DADDIES.
AND FINALLY, SOMEBODY WILL GET TO THE BOTTOM OF WHY IT'S FUN TO
STAY AT THE Y.M.C.A.!
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE EMILY BLUNT AND BOB COSTAS.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK-- YES, THE CLIMATE IS DOOMED, BUT
IT'S A DRY DOOM.
STICK AROUND.