- Woo!
This party is a 10!
I knew it!
- Yes, whose party is this, dude?
- Who gives a fat wet (censor)?
Heads up!
Woo!
- Woo!
(jazzy jingle)
- I can't believe that diseased little rat
chewed through my favorite period panties.
Panty-eating rat perv.
- Ilana, there's been something
I've been wanting to ask you for a while.
And don't feel any pressure at all to say yes.
But it would mean the world to me.
If I could be your head chef.
- Yeah.
Go nuts.
- "With great power comes great responsibility."
- Teddy Roosevelt.
- Spider-Man.
- Oof, even better.
Whoa.
- Okay, I know what you're gonna say,
but just hear me out okay?
I've always felt that the energy in this room is just off.
But I didn't want to say anything because,
you know, I don't like to stir the shit pot.
But since this happened with my parents
I feel more like, mmmm, confidence.
This is how I feel the room should be.
- I love it.
Why didn't you do this like a year ago?
I don't know!
It was like I hated a part of myself.
Now I only hate my cankles.
(Abbi knocks)
- I need to make out with somebody!
- Wham, bam, thank you, sir.
- No, someone new.
- Okay, I do this for you.
- No, someone who's attracted to women.
- Abbi, just so you know, every guy here is gonna be
like a four plus on the Kinsey scale.
- I know, that's why this gal joined Tinder.
- You on Tinder?
I thought you're all about that IRL meet cute rom-com life.
You must be tres horny.
- I'm not tres anything, Ilana.
What?
- Okay, I won't show off my French, Abbi.
- (gasps) Plus every Tinder guy will pay us the $10.
- Plus plus it's not even your apartment,
so if they come back to chop you up, you're not even here.
- Yeah.
Wait, what?
(background pop music)
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Yes, so hot.
Yes!
- Hi. Thank you so much.
Thanks.
It's gonna be worth it.
Thank you.
Love your money.
Outfit.
- Oh, it is so disgustingly hot in here.
- You know what?
I'll give you a discount.
I know a gal.
- Okay, no, I'm gonna go.
I love you!
Love ya.
Last one in, first one out.
Respect.
- Oh, I got three matches already, so.
Tinder is so (censor) easy, dude.
- Yes, it is healthy for you
to have zero discretion sometimes.
- I just got another match.
God, why didn't I do this earlier?
I am rich in men!
- And those men are gonna make me rich.
In money.
♪ I rich ♪
♪ I rich, I rich, I rich ♪
(gasps)
- Rat bastard!
Lincoln, I just saw that dickhead rat.
- Where?
- In this apartment.
- Ew.
- If people seem him they're gonna leave.
And worse yet, they're gonna want their "money back."
- Wait, but they'd be right.
Right?
- Yeah, I know.
Okay, Lincoln, I need your culinary skills
to go above and beyond right now.
I need you to create a dish so good, so elegant,
that the party is distracted and I can
catch this fat ass rat ass myself.
I'm talking Food Network level.
- This restaurant would definitely rate a C
under the New York Sanitation Department scale.
But I want to take on this challenge.
- Actually, it would be a grade D
'cause of the moth larvae all over the ceiling.
Yeah, I can't find the source.
- Ew.
- Okay, dope.
(background hip hop music)
Hey.
- Hey.
- So I just wanna say.
I've been social media stalking you
since Jaime told me you were his...
Whatever.
(throat clear)
And I think you guys are diggity diggity dope!
Okay?
Not like in a I can't wait to officiate
your gay wedding way 'cause straight people
always say that and it's like gross.
It just fetishizes their gay friends and it's like not cool.
You know, maybe you guys won't get married.
Maybe you'll just (censor) for a hot sec
and move on and that is hot too and cool.
So yeah, I just wanted to say that.
- You're Ilana, right?
- How did you know?
- Yeah!
Got it!
- That's so fun.
- I'm gonna post it to the Gram!
That's Instagram, you guys.
- I know.
- I'm gonna use Valencia.
Is that okay you think?
- Abbi, everybody uses the Valencia.
What are you gonna use?
The Kelvin?
(group laughs)
We have a huge problem.
We have to leave right now.
- What, why?
- The hottest person here is leaving.
This party's gonna be dead in three to five minutes.
- I'm having fun.
- You think you are.
But this party is a seven.
We could be missing out on a 10.
- Yeah, but what if we leave and we end up at a six?
- I don't know, we (censor) kill ourselves.
Who cares?
- So if we did have to kill ourselves, how would we do it?
- I'd shoot you in the face and shoot myself in the heart.
(gasps) Oh my God, forget Siggy's!
Lincoln has a better party.
- Why would you shoot me in the face?
Also, you said that really fast, dude.
- It's nice!
You'd die instantly.
- Well then shoot me in the head, not in the face.
- Okay, okay.
(hip hop music)
Nice.
- Hey!
You guys missed it.
I just did the worm.
- You can do the worm?
- Yeah.
- You barely move.
- What?
- Whoa!
- Lincoln, I don't know if that's-
- No. Let him have this.
- Okay.
- And I do pec jumps.
- [Ilana] Do that again!
(laughs)
- [Abbi] Is there something in your shirt?
- No.
- [Ilana] Drink?
Food, drink?
- Can you worm us there?
- Worm us there.
♪ Yeah, laying with the Merlot ♪
♪ Maybe we could (censor) ♪
♪ Yeah, I feel like you already know ♪
- This charcuterie.
They got dog dick, ghost poop, grapes.
And they got cornichons.
I love cornichons.
Don't I look like a giant?
(Ilana laughs)
- That is so weird.
I was just Googling micropenises this morning.
They look exactly like that.
All lumpy and (censor).
- Come on, don't ruin cornichons for me.
You saw I was...
Enjoying this.
- Okay, don't ruin micropenises for me.
- Touche.
(techno music)
(Ilana and Abbi laugh)
- We have to go, this party's dead.
- No, this party is a 10, dude.
What?
- I thought so too, but it's an 8.5.
Look.
(partygoer blows loudly)
Gross.
Okay, so I just found out about
a rooftop party a hot sec from here.
This is perfect.
- No, you know what?
I think I need to go home.
Trey definitely did not believe that call.
- No dude, he definitely believed you.
- All right, I agree.
- Yes!
- Also I love roofs.
- Yes, dude!
(techno music)
Woo!
This party is a 10!
I knew it!
- Yes, whose party is this, dude?
- Who gives a fat wet (censor)?
Heads up!
Woo!
- Woo!
- Place one right here, Johnny.
Yeah!
Oh (censor).
- God I love when straight dudes make out.
- You never know if you never try.
You never try if you never know, you know?
- (laughs) What?
- I'm gonna get another beer.
Do you want one?
- Yeah.
Abbi!
Hey hey hey hey!
Hey hey hey, not too close.
- All right!
Party's over you (censor)!
(partygoers screaming)
Hit the Bricks!
Let's move it!
Let's go!
- [Partygoer] All right, guys!
- Woohoo!
What's that behind your ear?
One night off!
Get me off!
(hip hop music)
- Last one for mama.
(crazy laughing)
- So that's the one football game I watched.
- God you're cute as shit.
- Thanks.
- You wanna smash later?
- No.
Thank you for the polite invite I guess,
but I'm actually seeing someone.
- (sighs) What a waste of two minutes.
- You okay?
You want me to cut a bitch?
- (laughs) No, it's all right.
But that's, like, the third dude
that's hit on needs tonight.
- Not surprised.
That what happens when you're taken.
Everybody can smell your pheromones
spraying off your mons pubis.
Gotta make my day off count.
Work hard play hard, baby.
Hold up!
(glass shatter)
(burps) Jesus, I'm getting there.
Thanks very much.
- Ow!
Jesus!
- I'm really sorry.
It was just the tips.
- Ilana, those are dangerous.
- Oh, but they do come in handy.
(phone dings)
- Thanks, ooh.
The service in here is terrible.
I swear to God, train service and cell service
has been terrible since we became a fascist state!
- You know what?
I'm gonna see if I can get service in another room.
- You know what?
I'm gonna work on death drops.
Show me just one.
I'll show you both.
I'll show you right now.
- Ilana, what's good?
- Damien!
- Hey hey, what's up?
How are you?
Good to see you.
- You too.
What are you doing here?
- What are you talking about?
This is my party.
I invited you.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- Right.
- Right, yeah.
- Wait, does that mean that Lincoln's here?
(music slows down)
Hold on one second.
I'm just gonna grab this.
- Okay.
- I'll come back for you. (glass shatters)
- I shouldn't have invited her.
- Well hello.
- Hey.
- Ilana.
Ilana Wexler.
- Yeah, I know.
- How are you?
You look great.
- You look good too.
You look like a video girl.
Woman.
Video girl.
You look good.
- Thanks.
- Oh, hey.
- Steph, this is Ilana.
Ilana, this is my girlfriend Steph.
(stomach rumbling)
- Noo.
♪ Oh no ♪
♪ Oh noo ♪
- Oof.
Catch up with you later.
- Abbi.
I just saw Lincoln and then I met his girlfriend,
then I shit myself from a sphincter-quivering,
pelvic-floor-loosening, socially lethal combination
of cheese, champagne, and cocaine.
I need some working fingers in the bathroom pronto
before I Edward Scissors-ass my ass!
You owe me a doo doo favor, bitch!
(sighs)
- [Abbi Recording] Hey, this is Abbi.
Sorry I can't answer the phone.
Probably with my boyfriend Mike.
We're in a relationship.
We're probably just doing activities and stuff.
- Thanks for nothing.
(screams)
(Lincoln knocks)
In use!
- [Lincoln] Ilana it's me.
- Oh hey.
- Hey, did you shit your leotard?
- No.
How'd you know?
- I'd know that face anywhere.
That face is saying "I'm shitting my leotard."
Also, it really smells like shit in here.
Just distinct.
- That's a big clue.
- It's just a smell.
It smells how it's supposed to smell.
- Well thank you so much.
I do appreciate you checking in,
but your services are not needed here.
So thank you for...
(nervous laughing)
Yeah, I guess I could use a hand.
(jazzy music)