- I love my wife but I'm gay.
Should I come out now?
Yes or no?
(pensive music)
- [Director] We brought together a group of strangers
to help an anonymous person
make one of their toughest decisions.
- My wife is the most important person in my life
and I would never wanna do anything to hurt her
but I'm also gay.
So I'm not sure how to approach it
or even how to come out.
- [Director] After hearing the group's advice,
which choice will this person make?
This is "The Dilemma".
(air whooshing)
(metal clanking)
(air whooshing) (tone beeps)
- How long into the relationship
did you realize you were gay?
- I knew before I got married.
- How did you meet your partner?
- We grew up in the same community together.
We started off as friends, then best friends,
and it grew from there.
- Is your partner supportive of everything you do?
- In our viewpoints on religion, yes.
In terms of supporting the LGBT community, no.
- So religion is a big cornerstone
of your guys' relationship?
- We both grew up in the same religious community
so we both grew up with the same values
and the same social guidelines, so yes.
- Do you think your wife knows you're gay?
- No, she doesn't.
(tense music)
- [Director] What was the main reason
as to why you went to the yes side?
- I have a few family members
in the LGBTQ+ community.
I know all their experiences coming out
have been positive,
at least in the long run.
I really thought to myself about him coming here,
wanting to, you know, share his truth
and speak to us about it.
I knew that it's about time.
It's starting to boil over
and he needs to come out.
(air whooshing) (tone beeps)
- What was your reasoning for marrying a woman
even though you knew you were gay?
- I thought that if I got married
that it would change me
and that I could become straight.
- What are your intentions in life
and how do you wanna feel about your life?
- I wanna be truthful
but I also don't wanna hurt the people surrounding me.
I'm a very honest person.
I don't lie (chuckles)
so the fact that I'm basically living a lie right now
gives me a lot of anxiety and depression.
But I know if I came out suddenly
it would devastate her.
(tense music)
- The thing is, I'm bisexual
and I would've never said anything
if I ended up falling in love with a man
and everything worked out.
And I fell in love with a woman
and I didn't wanna hide anymore.
Being your authentic self is my principle.
(air whooshing) (tone beeps)
- So is there an expected fallout
that extends beyond just the relationship
of you and your wife?
Like, is it more than just your guys' relationship
that's at stake?
- My job is tied to the church
so I could potentially lose my job.
I would most likely lose my family,
my friends, my wife.
I would lose everything basically.
I would have nothing and no support.
- Are we the only people who know about this?
- I've never told anyone.
(air whooshing)
- [Director] Just based on this information now,
you guys can switch to the other side if you want.
(indistinct speaking)
- [Levels] I don't know where...
(Levels chuckles)
(tense music)
- He was explaining what's at stake
if he comes out immediately.
Because of that, the more I thought about that
the more I was like, you know what,
he's gonna be losing literally everything because of this.
So I feel like he needs to have some sort of plan
in motion first. (air whooshing)
- The reason I said no, I'm bisexual.
Same as you it took me a cool minute
to kinda come to terms with that.
So it's like, I look more at am I safe?
If you do, gone.
You could lose a lot of things that you've built up
on this foundation.
- Have you at all considered reaching out to therapy
or some sort of counseling to help you through this process?
- In the community I live in,
it's a little bit hard to find counseling.
I live in a more rural area
so the majority of counselors
are based through the church.
- Can you tell me a little bit more
about your relationship with God?
And has there been moments
where you've personally experienced him guide you?
- Yeah, I would say faith has been a deciding factor
in all things that I do in my life
and that I don't follow God blindly.
I've felt him work in my life before.
So for me, it's a real relationship that I have.
And it's the most important relationship I have.
God goes before everything else.
(tense music)
- Faith is just a huge factor for my truth.
To me, that's what I resonated the most.
So I wanted to be that representation
of like, hey, if you just go in with blind faith,
it could still work out.
(air whooshing) (tone beeps)
- If you show who you really are to somebody, to anybody,
they're gonna show you who they are
like 100% of the time.
And if you're surrounding yourself with people
who are kind of not in support
of the person that you really are,
then that's not a healthy situation to be in
and I think he should 100% come out, like today.
- I'm bisexual. Took me a cool minute.
One of my, (chuckles) I'm not gonna name names.
I'll say a family member told my parents.
It gave me a lot of anxiety.
It was like, am I gonna get kicked out?
I'm gonna stay here. Are they upset with me?
It was very much like, okay, whatever,
I don't wanna talk to you right now.
And it's like I know coming out,
everyone's like, do it, do it, it's great.
You'll feel better.
But for me coming out was, it made me feel worse.
'Cause I'm like, I live my truth
but it didn't make me feel the way I wanted to feel.
- I believe that everybody should live their truth.
You're not emotionally responsible for anybody.
You don't owe anybody your life.
You be you and they'll figure out how to be them.
- I think it's different.
Like you were saying you're not responsible
for other people's feelings, but it is,
I know the guilt that I would feel
as a husband to be hiding something from my wife
is like horrible.
- Yeah, 'cause like let's also not forget
that they are married.
They have vows. - Yeah. (chuckles)
- And part of those vows- - And a lot is asked of that.
- is to tell the truth,
you know what I mean? - Yeah.
- Because you're taking away another person's ability
to live in reality and that's wrong.
- Yes. - I do wanna point out
that I'm not necessarily saying
that he should wait years to come out.
I'm just saying maybe - Oh no,
don't do that. - take just a couple months.
I would say go to counseling, go to therapy,
figure out who you are
and who you are even without the church
and without your wife and without all that stuff.
Once you figure all that out,
then you can start going through that process
of how am I gonna come out? - Yeah, but I think he should,
I think the focus should be more
like him just finding himself,
you know? - Yeah, yeah.
- Like all that planning,
like where's he gonna go and all that stuff,
yeah those are tough questions,
but it doesn't have to be answered right now
because it takes baby steps.
(air whooshing)
- [Director] Awesome.
(tense music)
- Coming out is not ripping off a bandaid.
It comes with so much anxiety.
It comes with so much fallbacks
depending on who you are,
where your community is aligned,
you know what I mean?
And it shouldn't just be ripped off.
'Cause even ripping off bandaids hurt.
You know what I mean,
it's not a painless process
just because it's quick.
And people really need to understand that.
(pensive music)
- [Director] Was there anything in the discussion
that caught your attention in some way?
- I think when they were mentioning when you come out
right now, that person will show their true colors to me,
that resonated with me because that is true.
The other issue that was brought up
was the point of counseling and kind of preparing myself.
I feel like that could be beneficial.
(tense music)
- [Mary Anne] To me, I think there was too much discussion
of what's step 10.
What step seven? - Yeah.
- [Mary Anne] What do we do three stages from now?
- Yeah, I think- - Yeah.
- that's what he's gonna get.
I think what he needs from us is comfort.
- [Adam] Ultimately at the end of the day,
people are gonna be people
and you can't predict how someone's gonna react.
- Right. - Also I've met people
who've been in a dangerous situation 'cause they came out.
- [Chris] So the biggest concern
is his safety. - Find community.
(tense music)
- So one thing we talked about
was not necessarily needing a plan
because your dilemma isn't coming out
to the world right now
but it's coming out to your wife, your partner.
And just as a married man of faith,
you said your wife grew up in the church with you
and you grew up in the church,
and so your wife possesses those fruits
of the spirit that are like patience and kindness.
And I think those attributes, like you said,
it sounds like are in her,
and so she would be loving and kind and patient with you.
- One of the things I want to just encourage you on
is that you've been in a vulnerable position before
where you had to put your whole trust in God
and he came through.
So I just encourage you to sometimes be okay
with taking just the first step forward
and everything else you could figure out along the way.
(air whooshing) (tone beeps)
- So I first wanna be clear that yes, you should come out
but you should definitely wait
and give it a little bit more time.
'Cause we're worried about your safety number one.
The other thing too is that you need resources
and you need time to get those resources.
Like I said, like these divorce processes and everything,
they don't take a week.
And then it's all about your community, right?
Personally, me and my family is super religious
so I very much understand where you're coming from
about investing so much time in your community
and the sense of loss that comes with it.
But you have to understand that you'll be fine,
your relationship with God will be fine,
but this is a very tough decision
that is more than that. (tense music)
- [Director] Jacob, how are you feeling right now?
- [Jacob] I'm feeling like I got
a lot of helpful words have helped me
kind of put together an idea
of what I wanna do going forward.
- [Director] Have you made a decision
in your mind right now?
- Yeah, I think I have.
(pensive music) (clock ticking)
Yeah, so I'm getting home. (gentle music)
I told my wife that I wanted do counseling.
And we've been meeting with a wonderful counselor
and she has just been able to give us
a lot of tools to work with.
We meet one on one
so I get a chance to be very open with her
about how I feel.
So I think within the next few months,
definitely I'll be ready to fully come out
and just prepare myself
and my wife for that.
I feel like the weight's been lifted a bit.
You know, I still have a journey to go through
and it's gonna be hard either way.
But I feel a bit of closure in the sense
that I know what I wanna do now.
Well, I do believe that it's a decision
to make faithfully through God.
I also think that it should be a decision that's made
with the help of a counselor.
I think that it's only fair to my wife
that when I come out,
I do it in a way that's not only safe for me,
but safe for her
and to make sure that I have the resources I need
in case something does go wrong.
(Jacob laughing)
Thank you. - So proud of you.
- Yeah. - You guys are
the first people I've ever opened up to about this
so it was...
- I know that if you hit that wall of just like
I don't feel like no one's gonna support me,
no one has my back,
know that we have your back.
You know, in spirit, from the distance,
you have people who believe in you
and who's gonna support you,
and who want you to be happy and you deserve that.
[Levels] Yeah.