Hi, I'm Nicholeen Peck, I teach all over the world about parenting, good communication and
how to build strong family bonds all through the principle of self government. And in this video,
we're talking about creating safe environments for children by teaching boundaries.
In this video, we're going to be talking about safety, what creates a safe environment and then
boundaries, and how boundaries give the message of safety to children. Every child wants to know
their boundary. Why? Because it actually makes them feel safe. So let's talk about safety. And
children, children, even if they're daredevils, they want to know that they have that safe place,
it's usually in their mother's arms or their father's arms, you know, when they are feeling
nervous, worried, unsure, they have to step out of a comfort zone, something like that. They want
to know that everything's okay, and that they feel safe. And definitely, that embrace of a parent or
having that parent there for them is one of those things that creates that feeling of safety. But
also knowing that there is a stopping place create safety. In fact, there are many things that teach
boundaries to children. Some you might not even have recognized before, I think many times when
we think of boundaries, we think of Well, that's a no answer. And that's a yes, answer. So no,
stay away from that, stay away from that. That's the boundary line. But are we also aware that just
knowing who the parent is, and honoring the parent teaches a boundary. So if we maintain parental
authority or roles in the family, that actually is a boundary line, you're the child, I'm the parent,
that's a boundary line, there are things like instructions that create boundaries, like, oh,
we wake up this time, that means this time of day, then now there's a boundary line between you in
the bed and you can't get back in it, right? So there's instructions that create boundaries as
well. There's morals that create boundaries, we know that right? There's respect for others that
oftentimes creates boundaries, that's one that we may think about more regularly as well. But
did you know that there's also things that we tell a child to do that create boundaries? So we might
say, okay, so we want you to cross over this boundary line, we want you to go and meet a new
person, that's actually one of those boundaries that pushes you past an existing boundary,
where you create a new boundary. On the other side of something. These are all boundaries that we
teach our children, we teach them how to protect themselves, where there are no answers for other
people. And where there are no answers for them. And how they have to keep all these boundaries
in check. They don't always succeed, do they? In fact, many times, they cross over boundary lines,
they touch somebody else, they poke, they breathe, they take, you know, or they let somebody touch
them in a way that they shouldn't, or something like that. And then we have to explain that's not
okay. We don't touch people like that. We don't embrace people like that. So really, there are a
lot of boundaries that children have to learn. And when we teach all of these boundaries,
where they know the yeses, and the knows of all of these things, then that helps them feel very
secure in their environments. So we're going to talk about one of the basic skills for teaching
boundaries to children, and how you can help correct them when they need some help with their
boundaries. But before we do that, do you see that subscribe button, just go ahead and click it,
it's for you, and then you'll be able to see more videos. So there is a skill. It's one of the four
basic skills of self government that is really meant to help with teaching boundaries. And that
is the skill accepting no answers. So there are four basic skills of self government, they are
following instructions, accepting "no" answers and criticism, accepting consequences and disagreeing
appropriately. But it is the skill that is taught in this book here. Porter Earns A Quarter that
teaches accepting "no" answers, which is really the one that helps us rein in our ourselves so that
we don't cross over boundary lines. So there is a children's books for all of the four basic skills.
But let me just show you a little bit about what is in this book. So you see in this book,
here's a little Porter, it's breakfast time. And he does not want the breakfast he will wants
something else. Mom tells him No, you can't have something else, this is what you have to
have. So it's a "no" answer, and then basically an instruction to eat this other breakfast. He is not
doing well at accepting that boundary line, that "no" answer. In fact, he's very unhappy. We need to
explain to children that they are often unhappy if they do not accept their boundary lines. Okay,
look at this picture. Here, we see Porter in the backseat of the car, he's in the middle seat.
Most children do not love the middle seat, right? And you see, he is very grumpy. Did
you know that when a person chooses to be grumpy or emotional, they're actually crossing over an
emotional boundary line. They didn't get their way. So it was a "no" answer. Anytime you don't
get your way. That's a "no" answer. Any "no" answer is technically a boundary line. But the way that you
respond to that boundary makes a big difference. He is not responding in a productive way. In fact,
there's another picture here where he doesn't get the ball and look how grumpy his face is in that
picture. He is also not accepting the "no" answer that he didn't get to have that ball at that
time. That's a boundary, nope, somebody else took the ball. So you don't get it right now. Unless
you go and get it? Well, the way he's responding to that no answer, or that boundary is
actually negatively impacting him. But when we move on later in the story, we see that there
are some cookies, and Porter wants the cookies, he doesn't get to have the cookies. So there is
a line that he should not cross over right there. That is a boundary line, do not take the cookies,
because it's not time, the same can be applied for if you took something that didn't belong to him,
right? Well, now he has a skill, which his mother is reminding him about the skill for
accepting a "no" answer. And then you see the way that he responds to the skill, he is able to do
all the steps to accepting "no" answer. And look how happy he is. So what are those
steps to accepting a "no" answer? They are four things. You look at the person or the situation,
because sometimes someone doesn't tell, you know, sometimes it's just a situation a boundary line.
That's a no right? Like cutting somebody off in traffic? That's a "no" answer. It's a boundary.
It's dangerous, you shouldn't do it, right. So you look at the person or the situation,
you keep a calm face, voice and body, then you say, okay, and you accept the boundary,
or you asked to disagree appropriately. So if you're talking to a person, you could always
ask to disagree appropriately. And then you drop the subject. If you see cookies in front of you,
you say, oh, there's cookies, and they're saved for something else or a different time. I can't
have them right now. So I need to say no to myself, nope, I can't have them. And then I need
to stay calm about it and just say, okay, that's what it is, I'm not having a cookie, and then just
drop the subject, go off and do something else. Do not think about the cookies again. Because if you
keep thinking about those cookies, chances are you are going to have a hard time accepting that "no"
answer or honoring that boundary line. Sometimes people have a hard time understanding where their
boundary lines are. There is a problem solving exercise called a sodas exercise that stands for
Situation Options Disadvantages, advantages solution. This is a place where you can write
down those sodas exercises, and it teaches you how to do them. The sodas exercise is so great,
because it helps them see boundary lines that they haven't seen before, and why they might want to
honor those boundary lines. So the parent gives a situation that may suggest a boundary line,
and then helps the child decide what to do when they see that boundary line. Should they just say
okay, and walk away so that they don't cross over the line or if they cross over the line,
what might happen. Or if they choose to disagree appropriately, what might happen or any other
number of options that they might have in the options step. If you take some time to talk
through circumstances with your children, and help them see the boundary lines ahead of time, then
they will be much more successful when it's time to actually observe those boundaries. So we have
to talk about the boundary lines, we have to label them as "no" answers. We have to give other options
like the skill of disagreeing appropriately, which is another great skill to honor. Now there
is something else that we do in the teaching self government model of parenting,
and that is we have meetings. So we have times where we meet together as a family and people have
to take turns when they talk, they have to honor the person who is leading the meeting as well.
This is a great time to practice giving yourself a "no" answer when other people are concerned also,
because sometimes people don't touch that thing or take that thing. But when it comes to people,
they just interrupt all the time. And that is somebody not honoring a boundary. There are so
many boundaries that we could teach our children about. In fact, the sky is the limit. But if
you teach them the four basic skills of self government, which are following instructions,
accepting "no" answers and criticism, accepting consequences and disagreeing appropriately,
then you will be on the fast track to helping your children understand and honor boundaries more,
you can find out about all of these books, the children's book sets the journal sets the courses
in the trainings on the website, teaching selfgovernment.com. And on that website,
there is a free calm parenting toolkit as well that you can start using in order to create an
environment that where you have calmness so that when there's a boundary that shouldn't
be crossed over everybody can handle it calmly, click on the link in the description
below. This video right now will take you to the website, the teaching self government website,
and you can see that calm parenting toolkit now and get it for free. We'll see you there.