Hey there it's clay with modern love.life. And in this video, we're going to talk about what your ex
doesn't want you to know. We're going to be going into some strange things that actually
motivate certain behaviors that actually follow your ex through the whole breakup process. At
least initially, and more importantly, what we can all do to create stronger emotional connections
with this. So this is what your ex doesn't want you to know. Uh, let's go ahead and get into this.
So what is it that your ex doesn't want you to know? First of all,
It's that the breakup was actually hard on them.
I know that many times after a breakup, people have this impulsive need to make it seem like they
are Bulletproof to make it seem like they were unaffected by the breakup that you have. Yeah. I
never cared about my ex I never cared about them. I don't know. I don't know why you think that I've
moved on. I moved on like five minutes after we broke up. Uh, like, sure. Maybe for like a
brief moment. I, I felt a little quiver, but I, I shut that down right away. I'm Bulletproof. Right?
Maybe that sounds a little bit like your ex. Um, but yeah, basically this is all posturing. This is
all them just trying to portray a certain state out there, even though it's probably not real
assuming that the two of you actually had a legit, real relationship that they actually cared about.
Yeah, of course the breakup is hard on them. They can't just walk away from that, for,
from the relationship failing or falling apart for some reason. And just be like,
yeah, I never cared. Right? Like, like nobody does that unless they just never cared legitimately in
the first place. But you were together with them. You had those moments together with them. You know
what it was like when it was good, you can tell me if they cared or not. If they actually cared,
then you know that this is all just some sort of ruse, especially if you know, the breakup happened
recently, they're just posturing. They're just trying to make it seem like everything is okay.
This is very common for whatever reason, just another like stupid, unhealthy way
that our society handles emotions. But, Uh, Hey, what are you going to do? It's the
21st century and we are not very good at handling it. Right. Um, anyway,
the second thing that your ex doesn't want you to know is that they actually feel guilty,
Walling you out. They feel guilty, and there's really a part of them that wants to
let you back in and to just say, Hey, you know what? Yeah, we can work this out. You know,
nobody wants to think that they're the kind of person that's going to go out there and, you know,
break someone's heart or, uh, cause someone to cry or anything like that. And, you know,
if they sat you down and they had the breakup talk with you and there was pain, there was hurt. Maybe
there were tears in your eyes or something. They're going to feel guilty about that. Um,
you know, oftentimes after a breakup, you know, you probably, as the dumpy feel a sense of like,
okay, rejection, pain, all that sort of stuff. But what's less talked about is that, you know,
the dumper often feels a sense of guilt of guilt of maybe giving up on the relationship,
being the first one to call it quits, uh, hurting you,
causing you pain, all that sort of stuff. And there's a part of them that wants to just say,
you know what, let me just put this aside. And let's just work things out. This sense of guilt
is especially strong. If you're in damage control currently, you know, damage control mode is that
state of being that many people find themselves in after a breakup where there's a lot of panic,
there's, you know, a lot of impulsive, emotional behavior, you know, texting like way too often,
begging pleading promising things are gonna be different. All that sort of stuff. I mean,
no shame in that. I was there myself. I think many people were there themselves as well,
too. So it's totally okay if you did that or if you're there right now, but just know that
this damage control mode behavior is only agitating, the guilt that they're feeling
and that guilt is going to cause them to want to create more distance between you and them.
Um, because they don't want to feel guilty. They don't want to get their phone and see,
oh my goodness, I got this message about how I'm never going to be able to live
without you. And now I feel guilty because you caused this breakup and all that stuff. Um,
they don't want to feel that way. So they're going to create more space. They're going to pull back,
they're going to disengage. Um, and that can often be why they do that. Uh, your ex, you know,
doesn't want you to know this because again, they're, they're, they're probably trying to just,
um, you know, make it seem strong, make it seem like they've got it together, make it seem like
everything's wonderful in their life and all that sort of stuff. That's often how people do that.
This is very not openly talked about that. You know, your ex does feel this sense of guilt.
Um, they may also feel this, this, this sense to try to, um, you know, portray you in a way that
makes you out into the bad guy. Again, people don't like to go and break up with people and
hurt other people and hurt their feelings and all that sort of stuff. Um, and in order to live
with themselves, they may need to tell themselves some sort of story about how you were not a great
partner about how the relationship was doomed. And it was terrible. And this may involve them having
to, you know, twist and, and stretch the truth in certain ways. Now, granted, I don't know your
relationship. I don't know what happened. Maybe they didn't have to stretch the truth that much,
but, uh, maybe they did, you know, maybe you told like one white lie because maybe you are
secretly planning a birthday party for them or something, and they caught you in a lie
and now suddenly, oh, you're the kind of person that lies all the time.
Right? And this, this is what can happen as they're trying to justify to themselves why
they broke up with you. Um, but basically they're trying to paint you as the bad guy,
um, because they, they want to feel like they made the right choice in terms of
breaking up with you. Okay. So that can drive a lot of that behavior as well, too,
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But anyway, um, yeah, as we go forward, I also want to just let you know that your ex
feels the need to pretend to be someone that they're not, this is really the big thing that
your ex doesn't want you to know is that they feel this intense pressure to be someone that
they're not, whether that is putting on this act. That everything's wonderful, whether it's,
you know, posting up a million pictures and things like that on Facebook or Instagram or
some other social media platform that make it seem like their life is like picture perfect.
Um, whether it's feeling like they need to while you out, uh, whether it is, you know, making it
seem like everything's wonderful by getting into a rebound relationship or something like that.
Basically, they're trying to pretend that there's someone that they're not, they're
trying to pretend that they're not going through this totally normal human experience of, Hey,
a relationship that I had ended. I got into this relationship because I thought it was going to be
the big relationship for me. I thought this was going to be it. I started this relationship with
the best of intentions and they're going through this normal human experience of it didn't work
out for whatever reason. And now I feel sad about it. Now. I feel sad that the hopes that
I had of whatever we were going to do together in this life fell through that, uh, that, that
things didn't work out, that I didn't catch the red flag sooner, that I didn't catch whatever
sooner that we couldn't communicate better. We couldn't be on the same team. We couldn't trust
one another, whatever it is, they probably understand that we feel sad about that.
And in a lot of ways, people feel like they need to hide this. They need to pretend that this isn't
what's going on. They need to pretend that, um, their life is perfect. That they're happy
that they're in this great fairytale, rebound relationship that their life is Instagram.
Perfect. Basically they're not being vulnerable. And the way that you can get them out of this
is to be vulnerable yourself. Now, obviously we don't want to be vulnerable from a place
of damage control mode. You know, the bad vulnerability where it's like, Hey,
I can't stop crying thinking about you. Um, I'll never be able to live my life without you all that
sort of stuff. That's just going to agitate the guilt that we talked about before. But if you can
just express vulnerability in a healthy, positive sort of way, where you take ownership for your
own feelings and don't make it about them, like you are making me feel sad. You are making me
feel this way. It's because of you that I feel this way. But instead you just say, Hey,
You know what, right now I'm having a tough day. To be honest
With you. When, when this happened, I felt this way. You know, I'm not trying to blame you or
anything like that, but it's just genuinely how I feel. And I'm sure I'll be able to get over it
and all that, but that's, that's just where I'm at right now. You know, that's a very different
kind of emotional energy to it. That's what we'd call positive vulnerability. Of course,
there's other ways that you can be vulnerable as well, too, such as building rapport, using reward
and relate cycles, all that sort of stuff that we've talked about in previous videos, especially,
um, a couple videos ago as well too. These are basically what your ex doesn't want you to know.
They don't want you to know that they feel this intense pressure to pretend to be someone other
than who they are. And if you can just start by showing them some degree of vulnerability
yourself too, and inviting them to step out of this, uh, trance that they're in, then they can
actually start to be a little bit more vulnerable themselves and show up a little bit deeper and
actually connect with you like a real, legitimate human being rather than some sort of robot.
That just is like, I'm always happy. My life is perfect. We'll get this selfie I took on Instagram
or something like that. Right? That's what your ex doesn't want you to know. If you like this video
hit the thumbs up button. If you want some help with your relationship situation, you might be
interested in some coaching options that we have those over at modern love.life/coaching. There's
also a link to it in the description box below this video, please feel free to check it out. If
that's something that you want to do, um, we have different options. So, you know, go ahead and pick
whatever one seems to fit your needs. But, um, yeah, that's, that's what your ex doesn't want
you to know once again. Thanks so much. Take care. This has been clay and I'll talk to.