- My name is Dewayne Perkins.
I am a poor, gay, black man.
Technically if I were to prioritize it,
it'd be black first,
because that's what you see when you see me.
And I would put poor before gay,
simply because I would pretend to be straight for money.
(audience laughs)
Love dick, but love financial stability more. (laughs)
You know how some straight men are gay for pay?
I am straight for the right rate.
(audience laughs)
The thing is I think that homophobes
have been doing it wrong the whole time,
they should've been offering money
instead of things like conversion therapy.
Quick sidebar about conversion therapy.
Does anybody remember the show
and program, "Scared Straight?"
(audience cheers)
Yeah, dope, so it was like a little program
that used to send little urban kids to visit jail
so that they can see the life they don't want to have.
My mother sent me to that when I was very young,
'cause she thought it was a place that
did conversion therapy.
But it backfired pretty hard,
'cause it was just a bunch of thugs yelling at me,
and me realizing that's what I was into sexually.
(audience laughs)
They were like, "Hey, do you want to be up in here with us?"
And I was like, "Maybe, I dunno."
(audience laughs)
"Don't tease me.
"I am young and impressionable."
(audience laughs)
- [Audience Member] Yas!
- Oh my god, yas. (audience laughs)
Wow, I love that you guys are like, "He's gay.
"He's a safe one." (audience laughs)
But yes, homophobes have been doing it wrong.
They've been using conversion therapy
and that does not work.
You know what would work?
If a homophobe were to come up to me and be like,
"Hey, Dewayne, if you stop doing gay shit,
"I will pay your student loans."
I'd be like, "Absolutely, pass me that plate of vagina."
(audience laughs)
I know what you're thinking,
and yes, I have eaten it before,
and yes the texture is unsettling.
(audience laughs)
It's like a very soft mango that's been through a lot.
(audience laughs)
So I've become religious recently.
Because I realize that homosexuals
are the chosen people of Christ
and heterosexuality is a curse.
(audience laughs)
Why do you think gay men are so cute and fine
and straight men are always killing people?
(audience laughs)
Sidebar, speaking of straight men killing people,
there's been a lot of mass shootings recently,
and we are living in a very scary time.
The thing that I hate most about mass shootings is that
I think it takes away your right to choose
where you want to die.
I was shopping the other day,
and I just kept having this anxious feeling
that I was like,
"What if somebody comes in here and starts shooting?"
I just kept thinking how mad I would be
to die in a fucking Marshalls.
(audience laughs)
Because I knew that when I went to heaven
all the gays that were shopping at Nordstrom would drag me.
(audience laughs)
Oh boy.
So next month will make my one year
of living in Los Angeles, thank you so much.
(audience cheers) Thank you, thank you.
It has been just okay but. (audience laughs)
Ups and downs is how the world go around.
But I lived in New York City before I lived here,
which is a bad place full of bad people.
(audience laughs)
But I do have great memories there. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
I had my first writing job there.
I was writing on this show,
it was a late night show, the host was a white woman.
It was a really great show, I loved it.
But when I first started working there
I kept getting notes from the producers
that I had to write more in her voice,
because if she said the things that I wrote,
she'd sound like a bigot.
And I was like, "What?"
Are you saying she can't say that
Trump's a punk ass, bitch ass, nigga?
And then I was like, "Oh my god, I heard it." (laughs)
(audience laughs)
Oh shit.
Nah, she shouldn't say that.
I will take your note.
So I took the note and I really started practice
and perfect my white woman voice,
my white woman perspective,
my white woman point of view.
So much so that it started to seep into my everyday life,
and I found myself transforming into a white woman.
(audience laughs)
For example, this morning I was sitting at a Sweetgreen,
looking at crystals on Etsy,
and the worker asked me what kind of dressing I wanted
on my salad, and I was like,
"Chardonnay, 'cause I'm quirky."
(audience laughs)
I went to go sit down, they brought me my salad,
that I ordered with croutons, there were no croutons,
so I was like, "Excuse me, can I speak to your manager?"
(audience laughs)
When they told me the manager wasn't there,
I blacked out in anger.
(audience laughs)
And then I woke up at a T.J. Maxx. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
I was like, "Whoa, these prices are so affordable."
Then one of the workers ran up to me and she was like,
"What are you doing?
"The cops are on their way."
And I was like, "Who the fuck called the cops?"
And she was like, "You did."
And I was like, "Transformation complete."
(audience laughs)