you've been on some?
Yeah.
They're fun.
Right?
They're good vacations.
I was on the biggest one,
the biggest ship, that had
over 6,000 passengers on it.
Yeah, and plus there's 2,000 crew,
so really, that's 8,000 people
on one ship.
Yeah.
It really is like a floating city.
Do you know when a ship may be
getting a little too big
is when it actually has
a bad neighborhood.
I think that's maybe a good time
to draw the line.
(audience laughing)
But it's amazing what they have
on the ships now.
Like if you went on a cruise
vacation years ago,
you had what shuffleboard,
ping pong, bingo, that was it.
But today, you go on ships,
they have ice skating rinks
on the ship, roller coasters,
rock climbing, surfing, bowling.
The one I was on had
this giant street promenade down
the middle.
They had like bars and stores
on either side
and like homeless people laying
around and stuff.
And traffic was awful.
I couldn't get a cab all week.
I think they went a little far when
they put the Costco on board.
Do we need that on a cruise ship?
I thought the Home Depot and Staples
were enough, but that's just me.
But it's fun.
They're fun vacations.
I like doing the more exotic.
I'm a little jaded with some
of-- like the Caribbean cruises.
I don't know.
I don't want to ruin the illusion
for those of you
who go, but here's my issue
with the Caribbean cruise.
You know when you go
on a Caribbean cruise,
you know how they take us around
like all the different islands.
OK, I'm pretty sure, it's only one
island.
(audience laughing)
And at night, they just take
the ship around the other side
and change the sign.
I'm telling you.
Right?
You've been on these things.
I was like, all these ports
are like this thing.
Bingo.
Because the cruise line's figured
you're having too much fun
or drinking too much to give a crap
or realize.
They save gas money.
Everybody wins.
But if you don't believe me,
next time you
go on a Caribbean cruise,
wake up early,
when the ship is pulling
into port, and you'll see them
out there setting up the sign.
They'll be like,
"ooh,
"Jamaica.
"No, give me the Grand Cayman
"quickly.
"The people are coming.
"What's wrong with you?
"Welcome to Grand Cayman.
"Grand Cayman.
"What's wrong with you?
"Jamaica was yesterday.
"You almost messed it up, stupid."
(audience laughing)
They confirmed it on my last cruise.
I'm like, OK, wait a minute.
What are the odds of me having
the same cab driver in Grand Cayman
that I had three days earlier
in Jamaica?
Is that possible?
Something is fishy, I tell you.
Something is fishy, but they're fun.
They're fun to--
I like doing the more exotic cruises
though, like sometimes we go to ones
that go to go to Europe and stuff.
Those are fun, because you go up--
you do the Baltic,
or you do the Med.
The Baltic is fun, because you
usually go to like Amsterdam,
and we went.
Last time I went, we went
to Belgium.
That was nice.
Those waffles are awesome.
Brussels sprouts, not so much,
they still suck.
But they do have
an interesting language that they
speak in Belgium called Flemish.
Now, I was not aware this was
a language,
but I'm pretty
certain my grandfather was fluent.
Because all I ever heard the man say
was (clears throat).
They made a language out of that
in Belgium, apparently.
(audience laughing)
I wish I could have sent Grandpa
Dave there.
He would have made
some new friends.
He would have loved it.
See how you do that?
You go up to Scandinavia and Russia.
It's a nice cruise.
But I like the Mediterranean is fun
too, because the Mediterranean,
you get to go to Spain, France,
and Italy.
I always love Italy.
Italy is one of my favorites.
It was weird the first time I ever
went to Italy.
I did not realize that, apparently,
my New York City street Italian does
not translate at all over there.
I didn't know.
I'm walking around, trying to talk
to people, going hey, paisan.
(audience laughing)
I don't want you jerking me around.
(audience laughing)
Capeesh?
They didn't know where the heck
I was from.
See, apparently, they never
got The Sopranos
in Italy, I found out.
But speaking of which,
parts of Italy
still do have
that very old-school, fabled,
mafioso feel going on,
because we took the ship down
to Sicily.
Sicily is like walking
into the movie The Godfather.
You step off the ship, you can even
hear the music it's like--
(music from Godfather)
(audience cheering)
The scariest part about it
was there wasn't even a mandolin
player anywhere in sight.
Turns out, it was just
some weird guy going--
(music from the Godfather)
(audience laughing)
We did France.
We did Spain.
I prepared for my trip to Spain.
I have this great Spanish language
app on the phone that's terrific,
a lot better than what I had
20 something years ago,
the first time I went.
Where all you had back
then were those CDs
they used to pedal on late night TV.
Oh, yeah.
If you ever stayed up, watched
network TV past 1:00 in the morning,
from like the mid to late '90s,
you know the ones I'm talking about.
They're called Amigos,
and the way they teach you to speak
Spanish, they have a really dorky
sounding guy, who gives you
a word in English.
Then, it's broken down for you
phonetically and translated
by the cool, suave, sophisticated
sounding guy doing the same word
in Spanish.
So you listen to it, it's like bank.
"Banco."
(audience laughing)
Discussion.
"Discussion."
(audience laughing)
Public.
"Publico."
What kind of nonsense is that?
That might be helpful if people
actually spoke Spanish that way.
But if you travel to any one
of the major Spanish-speaking
countries, whether it be Spain,
Mexico, Miami--
you guys know-- they don't speak
anything like that.
You put on one of those channels--
we have Telemundo or Univision--
they speak like they're on speed
at 300 miles an hour.
To me, everything sounds
like (speaking Spanish).
Banco.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
See, that's the best way
to learn Spanish.
You don't need the apps or the CDs.
Watch the Spanish channel for two,
three weeks, you'll figure it out.
Especially if you watch
Spanish news.
That's always the easiest to follow,
because it seems like they can never
get through a sentence
without saying something that you
will be able to recognize.
You turn it on, you'll see the news
(speaking Spanish)
"Presidente Joe Biden."
It's like, oh, hey.
You know what they're talking about,
the pres.
Yeah, I understand, because I speak
Spanish now.
(audience laughing)
That's actually where I get all
of my political news from,
the Spanish channel.
It is so much better when you don't
understand it.
(audience laughing)