The coronavirus.
It's the reason we're all throwing dinner parties
in a parking lot.
Right now, things are looking pretty dire.
There have been over 11 million recorded cases in the U.S.,
and one-third of all Americans know someone
who has died of COVID-19.
And with the holidays just around the corner,
there is both good news and bad news.
The bad news, of course,
is that you won't be able to spend time
with your extended family.
The good news is, you won't have to spend time
with your extended family.
And this morning, there was also some really good news.
NEWSMAN: This morning, another
potential breakthrough in the battle against COVID.
A vaccine developed by Moderna showing a 94.5% efficacy rate
in a trial with 30,000 participants.
One big difference between the Moderna vaccine
and the one developed by Pfizer
that also reported very promising results
in early trials-- Moderna says its vaccine
doesn't need to be kept
at extremely low temperatures to remain stable.
That could help with shipping and distribution.
Yes, people, just weeks after a vaccine was announced,
there's another one on the way!
I mean, are you serious?
No vaccine, two vaccines.
I mean, at this point, in three months,
we're gonna have so many vaccines, you're gonna be able
to pick the one that just best fits your personality.
Are you getting the Moderna vaccine?
No, dude, I'm getting the Pfizer one.
I mean, I'm a Gemini.
Now apparently, the Pfizer vaccine is 90% effective,
but the Moderna vaccine is 94.5% effective.
You know what that means, right?
I'm taking both!
Because then I'll be 184% immune from COVID, baby.
(whoops)
When COVID is in the room, it's gonna catch me.
Where you at, COVID? Where you at?
This is also gonna raise the stakes for vaccines,
because some scientists will come out like,
"I made another vaccine. It is 88% effective."
And we'll be like, "What? Kill yourself, you 88% dumbass."
And here's something interesting.
Moderna says that its research
is going much faster than expected,
because in order to get enough data,
they need a certain number of people
in the study to catch coronavirus.
And that has been extremely easy
because this pandemic is so out of control.
Just imagine that for a second.
We're getting the vaccine faster
because of irresponsible people.
So, you need to go out on your balcony
at 7:00 p.m. tomorrow night,
and you clap for those people who are not wearing masks.
(applause)
But guys, let me tell you something.
When this vaccine hits,
the streets are gonna be lit!
It's gonna be like the end of World War II. Hell,
I want to be in Times Square kissing the first bat
that I see. Come here. (makes kissing sounds)
But let's move on, because even
as the coronavirus is keeping most people close to home,
there are still some people out there
who are living their lives and even traveling.
And I mean, really traveling.
NEWSWOMAN: Just hours ago, SpaceX launched four astronauts
to the International Space Station.
It's significant because it's the first
full-fledged taxi flight for NASA by a private company.
The crew will reach the space station late tomorrow
and stay there until spring.
That's right, folks.
Thanks to Elon Musk and Space X,
astronauts can now basically catch an Uber to space.
Although, it is gonna be risky.
I mean, 'cause you'll take an Uber to space,
it'll cost you, like, 12 bucks.
But then, when you come back to Earth,
all of a sudden, there's gonna be surge pricing,
$200,000?! I'm not gonna pay $200,000 to go back to Earth!
Well, you could always take the bus.
The bus?! Dude, I'm not trying to get probed by aliens, okay?
Um, you are getting one star for this.
I actually wonder what one-star
Uber rides to space would actually look like.
So, the cockpit door blew open, right?
The air got sucked out of the cabin,
and we were, like, dying,
and worst of all, the iPhone charger didn't work.
But I, for one, am very excited
by how much easier space travel has gotten.
I mean, think, just 50 years ago,
a space launch was a global event.
People crowded around their TVs to watch it.
Now, there are space launches all the time.
Yeah, no one cares.
Soon, it's gonna be so common that, like,
people won't even feel cool anymore.
It'll-it'll be like telling people you're going to Tulum.
He'll be like, "Oh, I went to space last week."
"Oh, congratulates on being basic."
Let's move on, though, from outer space to ancient Egypt
where an incredible new discovery was just unearthed.
People in Egypt digging up history
dating back more than 2,000 years.
Archaeologists are showcasing more than 100 coffins found
in a huge burial ground.
Each sarcophagus and coffin is painted with intricate carvings.
X-rays show mummified bodies inside.
A lot of the individuals buried in these
are members of high-class Egyptian society,
so their coffins were higher quality
with more elaborate designs.
They're going to go on display
at Egypt's Grand National Museum next year.
Wait. They just happened to find a hundred coffins?
And now I'm sure that they're gonna need money
to study these coffins.
I don't know, guys.
Sounds like a typical... pyramid scheme.
By the way, I love how grave robbing is okay
if you just call yourself an archaeologist,
because that's what these guys are doing, right?
They're robbing graves.
The only difference is, they're wearing a weird hat
so then it's okay.
'Cause imagine if you saw some guy digging up your grandma.
Hey, hey, stop that, man! That's my grandmother's grave!
Uh, uh, uh. I'm wearing the hat.
And did you see the look on that one mummy's face?
He looks like he got caught doing something embarrassing,
and he really doesn't want you
opening up his sarcophagus right now.
Uh, someone's in here!
That's why you've always got to assume, people.
Assume that your grave is gonna be dug up one day.
Yeah, you got to be prepared. That's why, when I die,
I'm gonna pose like a gangster in my coffin, like this,
so when they gig dig me up, they'll be like,
"We don't know much about this ancient culture,
but judging by this man's pose, he was clearly a badass."
And finally, here's some weird news from the animal kingdom.
NEWSWOMAN: We know the platypus is a strange animal.
That we know.
It's a mammal, but it does lay eggs.
It has webbed feet and a duck-like bill.
Also, it produces venom.
Now, we're also finding out
that the coat of these animals glows under a black light.
An article published in the journal Mammalia reports
if you shine an ultraviolet light on its fur,
a platypus will give off a greenish-blue tint.
They're one of the few mammals known to do this.
It's pretty neat.
Scientists are still in the dark, though,
about why they have this trait,
if there is even a reason at all.
I'm-I'm sorry. What?
Platypuses glow under black light?
Who made these creatures? Huh?
They glow, they've got venom,
they lay eggs, but they also have fur, and they're mammals?
It's almost like God was finished building the Earth,
and then he used all the leftover pieces
to build the platypus.
Just take the spare duckbill
and put it together with the raccoon body.
Yeah, let's see what... let's see what happens.
This should be interesting.
Honestly, people, we keep finding out more strange things
about what platypuses do every single day.
Like, at this point, let's just put a platypus
in the cockpit of a plane.
Maybe it knows how to fly.
And also, what is happening in the scientific community, huh?
Half the world's scientists are working their asses off
to find a vaccine so we can go back to living our lives,
and then, the other half are like, "I don't know.
Let's, uh... let's see what glows."
I will say this. It does explain why
we've never seen a platypus on an episode of CSI.
All right, everybody, I'm gonna use the black light to scan
for any evidence at this murder scene.
Okay. What do we have? (gasps)
Detective Platypus, what the hell?
No, guys, it's totally not what you think.