What do you mean I’m going to lose the rights unless I make another reboot video? Well I’ll
see what I can do. Hey everyone! Uh… hang on. Let me just fix that title card real quick.
Okay. There we go! What’s this? Crappy CGI? Oh no! That can only mean that it
must be time for a franchise reboot! Hey remember that line! It was in the original
video! Laugh! Laugh now you sheep! This is what my marketing committee says you want!
Yes it’s time for another reboot of my video on rebooting. Is this just
a shameless cashgrab! Of course not! This is most definitely not a result
of creative bankruptcy and shameless nostalgia profiteering! Oh hey… that
nostalgia well is getting kind of dry? Oh well that can’t be anything worth worrying about!
Wait a minute! Didn’t I already make that point in the reboot video,
but better? Oh hey! A lens flare! See! That makes it already better than the
original! Wow! I should consider expanding upon some of the previous points of the
old video to provide the audience with a fresh perspective on the topic of franchise reboots!
But that’s hard, so instead here’s some pointless cinematic universe building!
Hey everybody! It’s my Inner Creativity! A new TWA expanded universe character.
IC: Wow, JP. I sure hope that-
Okay enough of that.
IC: Hey. Wait! Who is that laying on the ground behind
your shed *Gunshot*
Sorry about that! He was the only one I could keep the rights to. Now the rest
of the new TWA Expanded Cinematic Universe Expanded is mostly C to D tier characters.
Well I did snag one A-lister so I’ll have to build everything around him. But that one
will be the foundation of the new Rebooted Alternate Timeline TWA Expanded Universe.
Man. Even though I paid a lot for the rights for these characters,
there really isn’t a lot here. Well I’ll just water down the
soup a little bit and no one will notice! Universe expanded! Moving on!
More CGI! That effect cost me the equivalent of the GDP of South America. That’s a good
use of money there even if crunched an entire effects studio to death. Eh,
but that’s their problem. Maybe they’ll get an effects award after they go bankrupt,
because I promised to pay them in movie profits. I’ll let you in on
a little secret. Movies don’t make a profit, not in America at least.
Man this video is all over the place! Wasn’t the original way
more organized and flowed more naturally between its points?
Look! More characters from the expanded universe! Everyone aboard the cameo train!
DARK LORD: JP, this script needs work.
CONSPIRACY GUY: Yeah, no kidding. This is more like a collection of skits than a real video.
Shush! And get back into character!
CONSPIRACY GUY: You’re the one butchering our characters all
for a cheap joke! We were better in the original!
DARK LORD: This pittance of a dialog is unworthy of me! Me! The DARK LORD!
My Dialog is the essence of what makes me the DARK LORD! For every word I utter
carries a power that cannot be denied! None can withstand my wicked monologues for they are the
essence from which I inflict my will upon the world! Cower under the sheer force of my mighty
words of power! Because I am the DARK LORD! I will accept nothing less than center stage!
CONSPIRACY GUY: What the Dark Lord will eventually say is that you really need to
utilize us rather than just have us show up in a vain attempt to float the audience's attention-
Okay! Enough of that!
Alright. That’s taken care of. Oh boy! My reboot video is off to such a good start!
And it’s so subtle too!
Hm… some people might think this video is bad though so I better address the
criticisms of the last video! I wonder what those are? Should I go back and check? Nah.
But I will take a passive aggressive stab at my critics before claiming
that I’ve addressed their concerns! My rebooted reboot will be hot take
proof! Because stopping people from bad faith interpretations of a work is totally plausible!
This new reboot will totally feature a diverse cast of characters… in the
marketing material at least! Bait? Why would I need that? I’m not fishing.
Maybe I should take a second look at this script to make sure there are no… problematic elements?
I think I covered that in the original video? Should I really spend all of this
time worrying about nitpicks and instead focus on making a good reboot? Of course not! I must
pick a fight with those naysayers who make their living posting crappy top 10 videos
and angry review YouTubers! I will have my revenge SarcasticMovieRevewer_73@hotmail.com,
if that is your real name? Using my massive platform to punch down at nobodies who are
paid a pittance for 1000 word hateclick hack articles is a totally winnable proposition in
terms of effort spent. Ah yes. Ad riddled, clickbait aggregate website articles and
Red Letter Media wannabe YouTubers with 20 hour long review videos! That’s the height
of online critique there. Here’s a free honest tip! You’re not Red Letter Media.
IC: Speaking of critics
Oh great. It’s the one character I want to leave
out my new expanded universe. What are you doing here Inner Critic?
IC: Studio is getting nervous about their investment so they
sent me. Because you really need an editor.
I hate you so much. You are like one of those unfunny skits in those old internet
video reviews. You know the ones where the reviewer would talk to a costumed
version of themselves? And now I’m stuck with you.
IC: Truly scathing, JP. Also a tangent. We’ll have to edit that
out. Also probably your entire diatribe against internet critics will have to go.
Biased much there, Critic? Also like you are one to talk!
IC: There is nothing wrong with my seventy six hour review of The Last Jedi,
JP. Now focus. This is a reboot, not a Monty Python sketch. Ugh. This video is even more all
of the place than your usual tripe. Now let’s see if we can edit this into something better.
IC: A title card joke? There is no letter in the alphabet that describes how low tier that joke is.
IC: And a reference to top it all off? Lazy. I would expect no less from you. Oh my God! Do
you have a lens flare in every scene? Oh I’m going to need the big sheers for this one!
Whatever. You busy yourself doing that. I have a reboot to reboot.
Now what characters did I use in the original? Ah well. I guess I’ll kill them all off
unceremoniously now. Got to make way for my new characters that come out of nowhere. Now
the main reason I am doing this is because I hate the original. I hate everything to do with it and
anyone who likes the original reboot video was probably and low brow witless, slob with less
brain cells than a tardigrade. I should really make sure that contempt comes across in the video.
It’s always a good move to attack your own fans. I mean it works for comic book industry. That’s
why they hire them and put them in charge as they can think of no greater punishment for their fans.
Speaking of fans, here is some fan service. The love triangle! There.
I did it. Quota filled! That should shut them up! Especially when they start whining about
how I’m missing the point of the original! So what? My success puts me above everyone
else and I can shove in my incoherent conspiracy theory rants wherever I want,
especially in the script! You can’t trust the government ever. Except for Chinese
government of course! China is great and has no problems whatsoever! And I’m
not just saying that to get access to that huge juicy, but heavily censored, market!
IC: Okay, JP. I've edited it down. Also aren’t you getting a bit too racy there?
What? No! Of course not. It’s not like my reboot’s constant reshoots have shot
up the production costs to the point that a significant chunk of the world
population has to buy a ticket just to break even. Not to mention the marketing.
Besides, I think it’s unfair that I’m being forced to let you edit this video! Once the
dust settles I’ll come out with my own edit! I’ll call it the JP-cut!
*Phone Ringing*
CEO: Hey, PJ.
It’s JP
CEO: Whatever. Look, focus group doesn’t like it. Make it meta. Kids love meta! Also spice
up the dialog with some of that… uh… What his name? The foot guy? Writes funny dialog?
Going to have to narrow it down more.
CEO: Got canceled?
That doesn’t help much either.
CEO: His screenplay saved one big super hero movie and sank a different one.
Oh. You mean Whedonesque dialog!
CEO: Yeah! That’s the one! Make it snappy and self-aware.
IC: What if it undercuts the drama by being too glib and insufferable?
CEO: Who cares? People don’t want drama! Drama emotionally exhausts people and makes them feel.
Feeling is bad. Thinking ain’t all that great either. Instead, give them a chuckle or two
and then distract them with some flashy lights. Oh and add a few more lens flares too! Now get to it!
Man, my intelligence is directly proportional to the size of my overseas bank account.
Well the boss wants it so in it goes.
IC: Cursed executive meddling! What are we going to do about the advertising budget?
Okay. Here me out. We go… woke!
*Klaxon alarm sounds and screaming*
IC: JP, I personally know you don’t give a crap about any cause other than fating
your wallet. You don’t know anything about the minority groups you are writing about
and your understanding of activist culture is rudimentary at best. You
don’t even know half of lingo or what is currently considered politically correct.
Well that’s okay. They can’t agree on any of it anyways so it’ll be wash. Besides,
I’m not going woke for them. The main reason to shorehorn in progressive politics into my reboot
is so the online whiny manbaby industrial review complex will cry about it and give
me free press. Marketing is the most expensive part of a reboot and these guys will do it for
me for free provided the original marketing implies its all about female empowerment or
something. Actually I can probably just slot in a women in the protagonist slot and call it a day!
IC: But it will be largely negative attention!
So? Attention is attention and I’m going to get me some of that sweat sweat culture war
money! I mean yeah, they’ll review bomb it! But who cares about that metric?
IC: Then what metric are we looking for then?
Well, not ticket sales or profit. It is the gross? I can’t remember.
IC: Oh for the love of good writing! JP, your reboot is a disaster from beginning
to end! It meanders relentlessly, the pacing is somehow too fast and too slow,
there are pointless cameos everywhere, the art is inconsistent, the voice acting is mediocre,
the script is a wreak, the symbolism is far too on the nose, and the dialog is bad! This
video has no redeeming features what so over and it’s meta commentary does not excuse its
shortcomings! This entire thing is basically your original reboot video but worse in every way!
CEO: Hey everyone! Great news. I know this reboot has had a troubled production,
but turns out I can use it as a tax writeoff!
How?
CEO: By canceling it!
But the video is almost finis-
GREED:
Well, gentlemen. It’s been a pleasure, but I have better things to do and this
sad excuse for a cinematic universe is about to be liquidated. Farewell.
Wait. That portal. Is that a Crono Trigger reference?
KNIGHT COMMANDER: It’s Adageddon!
SIR ADBLOCK: We can take cover over there!
CONSPIRACY GUY: Why are there no ads on this spot?
KNIGHT COMMANDER: Oh this one got age restricted. Every other video
is going to be drowning in Ads forever! It’s over!
SIR ADBLOCK: Not quite. I can still block some of the ads if I get to the center of the Intergate.
KNIGHT COMMANDER: But, Sir Adblock! There’s too many ads, even for you to block!
SIR ADBLOCK: True, but I might be able to block at least half of all videos from ads.
KNIGHT COMMANDER: You’ll die trying to block all of them! I… We can’t go on without you!
SIR ADBLOCK: Remember what I told you about change? Haven’t you noticed how
those around you have started to change? You have all the tools you
need to shape these broad archetypes into something greater. Something
that can defeat Greed! You can do it! I know you can. Farewell, my Commander!
KNIGHT COMMANDER: Farewell, old friend…
GREED:
This trek would be easier if you were on Nebula.
SIR ADBLOCK: Not going to make this easy for me are you,
Greed? Leaving yet another sponsor in my way?
GREED: Nebula is a streaming service built by a host of educational creators
here on YouTube featuring original content by these creators as well.
SIR ADBLOCK: One day I dream of a world where artists are paid for their art without the need
for invasive advertising. A place where art is valued and the artists rewarded.
GREED: Nebula has even teamed up with Curiosity Stream, a subscription
streaming service with thousands of documentaries and nonfiction titles.
SIR ADBLOCK: A place where everyone can make art and not worry about money or basic survival.
GREED: Titles like Myths & Monsters, listen to David Attenborough talk all about
bioluminescence in Light on Earth, or unleash your inner child by watching Amazing Dinoworld.
SIR ADBLOCK: But that place is a distant dream that I will not live to see.
GREED: TWA fans can sign up at CuriosityStream.com/TWA and get 26%
off Curiosity Stream’s annual subscription for less than $15 a year. That’s $14.79 using the
code TWA to get both CuriosityStream and free nebula access, including ad free TWA videos.
SIR ADBLOCK: But, my Commander, I hope against hope that you might live to see that world, to see
even the TWA universe freed from the shackles of advertising. But until then, this is all I can do.
SIR ADBLOCK: Ugh. I think I did it… I did it and managed to survi- HURK!
DARK LORD: Uh… I think Chrome killed Adblock. He’ll get better right?