There are a few more stories out there
that I'd like to talk about, so I
thought I'd bring in some friends to discuss it with me.
Please welcome Larry Owens, Matteo Lane, and Sam Jay.
[applause]
[cheering]
Welcome to the show, you guys.
Thanks for being here tonight.
Thank you, thanks for having us.
Thanks for having us.
There's some stuff in the news
that I would like to get your takes on.
First of all, Leo DiCaprio is rumored to be
dating a 19-year-old woman.
But then it said, he may not be dating a 19-year-old woman.
But I think the truth is that he probably
is dating a 19-year-old woman.
And he has this pattern, right?
And a lot of people get upset that he
only dates, his number went from 25, if this is true,
to 19.
So he's always dated women that are 25.
I have the opposite problem.
I've only dated men that are in their 50s,
whether I'm in my 20s, in my 30s, or in my 40s,
I always like older man.
So I have like a glass ceiling, and he has a glass basement.
[laughs]
But do you take offense, I mean, obviously, I mean,
do you take offense to, what, I mean,
I don't understand what the problem
is when a man can only date somebody
that is like that young.
Like, they don't mature with their own age, you know?
As a gay person, on Grindr, they
always say, it's just a preference,
it's just a preference.
Yeah, no, for real, I feel like Leo
always does it, like he keeps it right above,
you know what I mean?
Like, he doesn't go too low where you're like criminal.
I don't have a problem with him specifically,
because I'm his age.
I'm 47, I think he's 48.
I'll be at 48 at some point, hopefully.
But I don't have a problem with him doing that,
because I think he just does so much good stuff, too.
Like, he's such a big environmentalist
it's not like he's a Scientologist or something.
My question is, like, he's on set, he's dealing with agents,
he's in some movie, and then he's like, how's your day?
She's like, oh, my locker mate's the worst!
Like, she's 19.
Tom Brady's also in the news today,
because he posted a picture yesterday.
It was kind of a thirst trap picture.
Gay.
[laughs]
Just on the record, Tom Brady has not come out as gay, OK?
When he does, tell me!
Pictures speak louder than words.
Well, my issue with Tom Brady is less about his gayness,
and more about the fact that he let his wife
leave him with his children.
He broke up his entire family so he could play
an extra season on whatever team he's on,
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, is that right?
Is that the team he's on? - Oh, Sam's gonna know.
Oh, she's from Boston.
I'm so offended by whatever this is.
He let his wife leave him so he could go play wherever?
He achieved greatness!
He became a football God!
That takes time.
Yeah, but not, yes, OK, you can clap for that, go ahead.
[applause]
Yeah.
But that's not what happened this year.
He didn't achieve greatness this year.
And that's why he's showing half his package.
[laughs]
And it's the half package that bothers me.
Why are you covering up the goods?
I know.
He's sitting there like a kid who's
got to be like a seven-year-old in church who has to pee.
Like that was his sexy pose.
Or he's sitting there like a Greek Adonis
with a lot to show you.
OK, let's not say things we can't take back.
[laughs]
And the brown underwear.
Those look like SKIMS.
[laughs]
They look like SKIMS.
It's a quality product.
He's every gay Instagram ad, just in one photo.
There's a nine-year-old named David Balogun.
He graduated from Reach Cyber Charter School
after taking online classes.
So he's nine, he started high school right before COVID hit,
and then he graduated in three years with a 4.0 GPA.
And he wants to be an astrophysicist.
God.
I mean, this kid is annoying the shit out of me.
-
Yeah [laughs]
I mean, he completed a semester at Bucks County
Community College, which is the only thing
I have in common with him.
I also completed one semester at community college.
I don't like when kids get like this, you know what I mean?
I just want to say, when I was nine years old,
I was watching "X-Men" pretending I was Storm
and eating Trix for kids.
Like, I don't know, like how is he already graduating college?
Well, also during COVID, when everybody else is making
excuses about not getting anything done,
because of whatever, because we're sad or lonely
or alone or we're not alone enough.
And then this kid is just hitting it out of the park.
This is another reason not to have kids.
Yeah.
[laughs]
Do not send him to college, send him to the streets, OK?
We need no more geniuses making AI, OK?
We need gangsters.
There's been another new discovery.
Jupiter, the planet, has 92 moons, 12 of which
they had missed prior.
And they just found 12 more moons surrounding Jupiter.
This is a very confusing time for me,
because if you know me well, you know that I am very
confused about the galaxy.
I just wish like we would all get to a point where
scientists would just be like, hey, y'all, we don't know
shit, and just stop there.
Yeah.
It's just, it's like, y'all don't know.
I don't like finding out about planets
or that aliens are coming.
I know that there are aliens out there,
but I don't want to co-mingle with them,
you know what I mean?
I'm not looking to meet them, and I
don't want to find out any more surprising
things about the galaxy.
It just all kind of annoys me.
It's just like NASA's like a really expensive
program to look at rocks.
I agree.
Why are we sending all this money to Joplena or whatever,
and we can't get the--
we can't get the piss smell out of the subway?
Priorities, people!
[cheering]
I know.
They're like, look at all this water that's
on this moon off Jupiter.
I'm like, doesn't Flint need better water?
Like, what are we doing?