so I have a friend who
is a geriatric nurse
and she wanted me to do a show
for her Alzheimer's patients.
(audience laughing)
I'm thinking, man this is going to be
the easiest show of my career.
I did it too.
I was on stage for two hours.
One joke.
(audience laughing)
(one person applauding)
It's messed up, right?
It kinda runs in my family,
so eventually I'm going
to be affected by it,
so I guess like,
(audience laughing)
so I have a friend who is a
geriatric nurse and she wanted
me to do a show for her
Alzheimer's patients,
and I'm thinking, man . . .
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
This is gonna be the
easiest show of my career.
I did it too, I was on stage
for two hours.
(audience laughing)
One joke.
That's messed up right?
(audience laughing)
Kind of runs in my family,
so eventually
I'm gonna be affected by it sadly.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
(audience laughing)
So I have a friend who
is a geriatric nurse,
she wanted me to—
I like the people who
didn't get it the first time and
they're like,
"Why does he keep saying that?"
(audience applauding)
This guy must have Alzheimer's.
You know, I been doing
standup comedy for a long time,
many years, but it's not my first,
like, professional occupation.
Like, I used to be a police officer.
I was a cop in Texas for
a number of years man
and the—and the funny thing
about me being a cop
is when I first graduated
from the police academy,
I was assigned to an
all white neighborhood,
so frequently I'd get this call, "527,
"we have a report of
"a suspicious black male,
(audience laughing)
"approximately six foot one,
"weighing 180 pounds driving a
"patrol car."
(audience laughing)
So I'm looking for him.
(audience laughing)
The thing about being a cop
sir, is that basically, like,
all people want you to do is be able
to solve problems, right?
You learn laws, you learn
codes of criminal procedure,
you learn all types of stuff,
but all anybody wants you
to do is solve the problem.
"Problem solved," is what we'd say.
Some years ago I made
a disturbance call, I go inside,
and these two guys were in a fight.
Get there and this one guy's
beating this guy up,
so I started beating him up
and then the other dude
starts beating me up.
Then I started beating him up
and then the three of us
had a beer and I left.
(audience laughing)
Problem solved.
(audience laughing)
In 2002, I worked
narcotics and that year
I earned $3.6 million.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
Cash.
(audience laughing)
People ask me all the time, they go,
"Hey man, when the cops
"confiscate marijuana,
"do you guys burn it?"
Yup.
(audience laughing)
A little bit at a time.
(audience laughing)
That explains the donuts.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
I don't do drugs.
Never have, no.
I've tried marijuana
one time in my life.
One time, never will I do it again?
Because what happens is, I'm
already like really tightly wound
and so what it did to me is like,
it made me like super paranoid,
so I'm at this place with
my friends, you know,
I do a little marijuana thing
and then you know,
my friend's across the room
and I was like,
hey man, you know,
we need to go, he's like, "What?"
I was like, I got to go.
He's like, "What's wrong?"
I was like, people are looking at me.
He's like, "What?" I said,
people are looking at me,
so we left, went back to his house.
He was like, "Bro,
"what was wrong with you?"
I was like, dude,
people were looking at me.
He's like, "You were onstage."
(audience laughing)