- My name is Amber,
and I served in the Army for 10 years.
I went in in 2003 and I served until 2013.
I was a PAO, so public affairs,
and that's kind of, like, the Army journalist.
I loved traveling.
I preferred to be on a mountain top somewhere.
I preferred to be, you know, on a tiny control--
er, combat outpost, you know, with our troops
'cause I felt that was where the story was.
Whenever we lost a soldier, it was our--
it was PAO's responsibility
to go out and photograph the memorial.
Watching men clutch each other and cry
and ask each other why and see the confusion,
um, and see the way that
after they'd lost several of their fellow comrades,
the way that it wore them down,
um...I--that had an effect.
War is--has to do with death on a grand scale,
and you don't realize how desensitized you become.
And it wasn't until I was out for--
at this point, 3 1/2 years is when
I finally started to feel the effects
of that fact that the majority of my career was in combat.
I realized that I could possibly have
some sort of PTSD symptom
or that I had-- the effects of war were in me.
Prior to me kind of having this realization,
you know, "I-I have PTSD,"
I was diagnosed with Addison's disease
and fibromyalgia, and that was a huge life change.
That life change kind of put me into this serious depression,
and that depression is really what kicked off,
you know, all of these other emotions
that were buried down deep that I just wasn't aware of.
And I started to experience anxiety attacks,
depression, isolation.
I didn't want to be around other people.
I had a hard time making friends before
and then it became increasingly difficult.
It got to the point where, because of my anxiety attacks,
I didn't wanna leave my house,
um...and it just kind of--
all of a sudden, the world became a very scary place.
I knew that I needed to see somebody
because I had become, um...
I had become suicidal,
and I knew that it had become serious,
and it wasn't until I finally called
a triage nurse and said,
"I'm previously suicidal. Actually, currently suicidal.
I don't know what to do. I need help,"
and just in tears.
Just completely in tears, breaking down,
and this triage nurse, I'll never forget her,
she said, "Baby, hold on," and she put me on hold,
and by the time she came back,
she had gotten me a referral for outside help.
Within the week, I was seeing a therapist.
It was her that
helped me to understand
ways that I can deal with, like, an anxiety attack.
How to put together a plan.
Those were the first steps of treatment,
was to--how to get a handle on it
so that I could continue to function in the world.
As a soldier, you constantly have this--
you have this need to wanna be tough.
So I had to learn that it was okay to fall apart,
and I had to learn that it was okay to break,
and I had to learn that it was okay to be broken.
When it comes to treating yourself
for military-specific mental illness,
it's very important that you find your tribe.
Get to the VA and talk to somebody.
Get into a support group.
Don't be afraid--
don't think that you are too good
to go out there and get help.
It's a lot better,
and it will get better. It'll get even better.
I know that it will.
Um, but, yes, yeah.
I'm able to see things in a more honest light.
I'm able to see myself in a more honest light.
Even though there's things within me
that I'm not sure about,
at least I'm aware of them now,
and that means that I can start to take care of 'em.