LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT'S SO LOVELY TO BE HERE
THERE'S NO FEELING LIKE BEING WITH THIS AUDIENCE
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT YOU ALREADY KNEW THAT.
ALL OF THE NEWS TODAY IS STUFF WE ALREADY KNOW.
FACEBOOK IS EVIL, GLOBAL WARMING IS REAL, REPUBLICAN OFFICIALS
HELPED PLAN THE COUP, AND POP TARTS CONTAIN NO FRUIT.
IT'S TRUE.
THAT'S OUR TOP STORY.
THIS IS TRUE -- THE COMPANY THAT MAKES THE
TOASTER PASTRY IS BEING SUED FOR $5 MILLION BECAUSE FROSTED
STRAWBERRY POP TARTS CONTAIN 2% OR LESS OF DRIED STRAWBERRIES,
DRIED PEARS, AND DRIED APPLES.
YEAH, WE KNOW.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S WHY WE LIKE 'EM.
ON THE OTHER HAND, THE BROWN SUGAR CINNAMON POP TART HAS REAL
SUGAR, AND 50% OF YOUR RECOMMENDED DAILY ALLOWANCE OF
BROWN.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT I AM CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGATED
TO BE SURPRISED BY WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE WORLD.
SO HERE GOES NOTHIN': HOW 'BOUT THAT WEATHER WE'RE HAVING, HUH?
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) AIN'T THAT A KICK IN THE KHAKIS?
LESS THAN A WEEK AFTER THE GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA DECLARED
A DROUGHT EMERGENCY, A HUGE STORM BROUGHT "POTENTIALLY
HISTORIC RAIN" TO THE GOLDEN STATE.
IN SACRAMENTO, THEY GOT MORE THAN FIVE AND A HALF INCHES OF
RAIN WHICH BROKE THE PREVIOUS RECORD
SET IN 1880, AND SAN FRANCISCO HAD ITS FOURTH WETTEST DAY IN
THE CITY'S HISTORY.
THE FIRST WETTEST DAY OF COURSE, WAS WHEN HARRY STYLES CAME TO
THE FILLMORE AND PERFORMED WATERMELON SUGAR.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WOW.
THAT TOUCHED A NERVE, SHALL WE SAY.
AND IT'S NOT JUST THE RAIN -- THERE ARE ALSO WINDS THAT ARE SO
STRONG IT TOOK A SEMI AND LEVITATED IT ACROSS A BRIDGE.
I HOPE THAT TRUCKER'S OKAY -- AND THAT THE LID WAS ON HIS PEE
BOTTLE.
( LAUGHTER ) SPEAKING OF WHICH, OUTSIDE THE
49ERS STADIUM, WIND ALSO BLEW PORTA-POTTIES ACROSS THE
PARKING LOT.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW WE KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN
THE FAN HITS THE (BLEEP).
THAT'S QUALITY.
THAT'S A QUALITY FAMILY JOKE.
>> Jon: YEAH, IT'S A QUALITY JOKE.
>> Stephen: BRING THE KIDS IN FOR THAT JOKE.
SO WHAT'S CAUSING IT?
HUMANS.
BUT MORE SPECIFICALLY, THERE'S AN OFFSHORE STORM SYSTEM KNOWN
AS A BOMB CYCLONE.
YES, BOMB CYCLONES.
BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT WEATHER IS NOW.
JUST COMBINATIONS OF TERRIBLE THINGS.
SO GET READY FOR NEXT WEEK'S FORECAST OF:
SUNDAY: MURDER TYPHOON.
MONDAY: STAB-ICANES.
AND THEN THE REST OF THE WEEK IS FLOODS THAT TRY TO EXPLAIN
BITCOIN TO YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I DON'T CARE.
I DON'T CARE ABOUT BLOCK CHANGES STOP TRYING TO EXPLAIN BLOCK
CHANGE.
( APPLAUSE ) THERE'S SOME EXCITING NEWS OUT
OF THE NEGOTIATIONS OVER PRESIDENT BIDEN'S BUILD BACK
BETTER BILL.
AS OF THIS WEEKEND, REPORTS ARE DEMOCRATS ARE NEAR A DEAL ON THE
SPENDING BILL.
AND I AM NEAR-EXCITED TO BRING YOU THIS BREAKING NEARLY-NEWS
FOR MORE CONTEXT, LET'S WATCH TV.
FIRST UP, JEREMY DIAMOND AT CNN.
JEREMY, ARE THEY ON THE PRECIPICE OF A DEAL?
>> IT DOES APPEAR THESE DEMOCRATIC LEADERS ARE ON THE
PRECIPICE OF A DEAL.
>> STEPHEN: OK, IS IT CLEAR HOW MUCH PROGRESS WAS MADE
YESTERDAY?
>> IT'S NOT CLEAR HOW MUCH PROGRESS WAS EXACTLY MADE
YESTERDAY.
>> STEPHEN: WELL, WHAT DO WE KNOW?
>> WE DON'T KNOW A WHOLE LOT YET.
>> STEPHEN: WELL, WHAT DON'T WE KNOW?
>> THERE ARE STILL A FEW UNKNOWNS.
>> STEPHEN: OK, SO WHAT ARE THESE KNOWN UNKNOWNS THAT WERE
DISCUSSED?
>> WE DON'T KNOW THE EXACT DETAILS OF WHAT WAS DISCUSSED.
>> STEPHEN: OK, GIVEN HOW LITTLE WE KNOW, CAN CABLE NEWS GET TO A
PLACE WHERE THEY CAN TALK CONTINUALLY ABOUT THESE
NEGOTIATIONS AND STILL TELL US NOTHING?
>> CAN THEY GET THERE?
THAT'S THE QUESTION AT THE MOMENT.
>> STEPHEN: THANK YOU ALL, FOR NOTHING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THERE IT IS.
>> Jon: I LIKE THAT.
>> Stephen: WE WILL STAY ON THIS STORY, AS
THERE CONTINUES NOT TO BE ONE.
( LAUGHTER ) CRUCIALLY, THE SPENDING BILL'S
ALMOST EXISTENCE IS CLOSE TO BEING SEMI-CONFIRMED BY SPEAKER
NANCY PELOSI, WHO TOLD REPORTERS THAT THE DEMOCRATS ARE "PRETTY
MUCH THERE" ON THE SOCIAL SPENDING BILL.
THAT'S SOME REAL "TEXTING YOUR FRIEND "2 MINS AWAY" WHEN YOU
HAVEN'T LEFT THE HOUSE YET' ENERGY.
I'M RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.
GO AHEAD AND ORDER SOME PAID FAMILY LEAVE FOR THE TABLE.
( LAUGHTER ) NO... THAT'S NOT THE SOUND OF MY
SHOWER RUNNING.
HOW COULD YOU HEAR MY SHOWER WHEN I'M TEXTING?
( PIANO RIFF ) WHAT'S THIS?
I'M GETTING ANOTHER ALERT - IT'S A BREAKING COULD BE
SOMETHING.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'RE HEARING THAT THESE TRACES
OF PROGRESS MAY HAVE BEEN DETECTED THIS WEEKEND IN THE
MYTHICAL LAND OF DELAWARE.
>> PRESIDENT BIDEN, AND SENATOR JOE MANCHIN, SENATOR CHUCK
SCHUMER, THE SENATE MAJORITY LEADER, THEY HAD A CRITICAL
MEETING YESTERDAY AT PRESIDENT BIDEN'S DELAWARE HOME, AND
DURING THAT MEETING WE'RE TOLD THEY MADE SOME PROGRESS IN
REACHING TOWARDS A DEAL.
>> Stephen: OKAY, NOW WE'RE TALKING.
THE WORD IS, THEY HAVEN'T REACHED A DEAL, BUT BY THE END
OF THE MEETING, THESE THREE OLD MEN WERE ABLE TO PUT ASIDE THEIR
DIFFERENCES AND RELEASE A JOINT STATEMENT SAYING, QUOTE
THEY SURE DON'T MAKE 'EM LIKE SOPHIA LOREN ANYMORE.
AND THEY DO NOT.
THEY TONIGHT.
TREAT YOURSELF.
>> TREAT YOURSELF TO A -- ( APPLAUSE )
I DON'T KNOW.
( LAUGHTER ) IT IS A MONUMENTALLY BAD DAY FOR
FACEBOOK, THE WORLD'S TOP SOCIAL MEDIA NETWORK AND UNCLE
RADICALIZER.
THANKS TO HUNDREDS OF LEAKED INTERNAL DOCUMENTS, 17 NEWS
ORGANIZATIONS ARE PUBLISHING A SERIES OF STORIES ABOUT ALL OF
THE DAMAGE FACEBOOK DOES, FOR EXAMPLE, HOW COORDINATED GROUPS
ON FACEBOOK SOW DISCORD AND VIOLENCE, INCLUDING ON JANUARY
6.
THAT'S IN ADDITION TO THE DISCORD YOUR COUSIN SOWS ON
FACEBOOK BY ANNOUNCING SHE'S NAMED HER TWINS DASH AND OTTER.
( LAUGHTER ) UNSURPRISINGLY A LOT OF
MISINFORMATION HAS TO DO WITH FACEBOOK CEO MARK ZUCKERBERG.
LAST YEAR, HE TESTIFIED BEFORE CONGRESS THAT FACEBOOK REMOVES
94% OF HATE SPEECH, BUT THE COMPANY'S OWN RESEARCHERS
ESTIMATED THAT IT WAS REMOVING LESS THAN 5%.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) THAT'S A HELL OF A SPREAD.
MOM, I KNOW I SAID I GOT 94% ON THE MATH TEST, BUT IT WAS
ACTUALLY 5%.
I DIDN'T LIE.
I JUST SUCK AT MATH.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I DID.
I SUCKED AT MATH.
I DID.
THE C.E.O.'S INFLUENCE WAS SO STRONG THAT A FORMER V.P. AT
FACEBOOK SAID THE SPECTER OF ZUCKERBERG LOOMS IN EVERYTHING
THE COMPANY DOES.
BUT IS IT HIS SPECTER, OR DID HE JUST WEAR TOO MUCH SUNSCREEN
AGAIN?
( LAUGHTER ) SOCIAL MEDIA ISN'T THE ONLY
THING THAT HELPED CAUSE THE JANUARY 6TH RIOT.
SO DID GOP OFFICIALS.
BECAUSE ORGANIZERS SAY THEY PARTICIPATED IN 'DOZENS' OF
PLANNING MEETINGS WITH MEMBERS OF CONGRESS AND WHITE HOUSE
STAFF.
WOW.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) GREAT PLANNING, GUYS.
(AS ORGANIZER) YOU GRAB THE PODIUM, YOU SMEAR
YOUR POOP ON THE WALLS, THE REST OF YOU RECORD IT ON YOUR PHONES,
AND PUT IT ON FACEBOOK SO WE DEFINITELY GET CAUGHT.
LET'S GO TO JAIL!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
TEAMWORK.
ONE OF THE MOST SURPRISING, COMPLETELY NOT SURPRISING
REVELATIONS IS HOW MANY REPUBLICAN MEMBERS OF CONGRESS
WERE INVOLVED IN THE PLANNING.
WE'RE TALKING INTELLECTUAL GIANTS LIKE
PAUL GOSAR LAUREN BOEBERT
MO BROOKS MADISON CAWTHORN
ANDY BIGGS LOUIE GOHMERT
IT'S A REAL OCEANS 11 OF PEOPLE WHO CAN'T COUNT TO TEN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THEY HAVE TO SET REMINDERS ON THEIR PHONE TO REMIND THEMSELVES
TO BREATHE.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS WASN'T JUST A RANDOM EVENT
WITH WEIRDOS LIKE THE Q-SHAMAN.
THIS WAS A CONSPIRACY TO OVERTURN A DEMOCRATIC ELECTION
THAT INCLUDED THE WEIRDOS IN CONGRESS.
ONE OF THE ORGANIZERS SAID "I REMEMBER MARJORIE TAYLOR
GREENE SPECIFICALLY."
YES, I CAN IMAGINE IT'S HARD TO FORGET SOMEONE WHO TELLS YOU
FOREST FIRES ARE CAUSED BY CIRCUMCISED SPACE LASERS.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT, MY GUEST IS BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN.