Love and romance are usually explained
through the words of poets and musicians,
but that hasn't stopped psychologists and neurobiologists from
offering their own scientific and clinical takes
on the subject of passion.
So, what is passion?
Love can be passionate,
but so can sexual desires.
So, how do we tell the difference?
We're here to take a look at
what the experts have to say about love and sex,
so you can decide if what you're feeling is really love
or intense sexual chemistry.
Sex and Attachment
We express and feel love in a lot of ways.
We have love languages and attachment styles
that tie into our psychology and make us who we are.
How we express our sexual desires is no different.
They also relate to our attachment styles
and can tell us a lot about
how we really feel about our partner.
Relationship expert Dr. Emily Impett
conducted a study that explored the relationship
between attachment and sexual expression.
These attraction styles relate to sex specifically
and may not be your overall attachment style.
What she and her colleagues found
was that an anxious attachment style to sex
led people to want to please their partners.
Sex for people with anxious attachment was about expressing love.
In other words, it had a purpose beyond lust
and didn't replace other aspects of love and romance in the relationship.
People with avoidant attachment style were more likely to
simply use sex to avoid conflicts.
Their relationships heavily depended on sex to survive.
In other words, their relationship was built on
sexual chemistry and not love.
If you feel like you and your partner are
only ever having sex and not doing much else,
that can be great!
You may both have a high libido and suit each other in that way,
but this can also say a lot about your or your partner's desires.
What are your goals when you have sex?
Are you and your partner...
Caring About Each Other's Needs
When you have sex, you take responsibility
for someone else's safety,
comfort and pleasure.
In another piece of research by Dr. Emily Impett and her colleagues,
published in Current Sexual Health Reports,
they discuss what it implies
when the needs of your partner are a priority.
When we prioritize our partners,
it cultivates desire.
Our desire for them and their desire for us grows.
It can come from genuine care and appreciation.
You may want to provide the best experience possible,
because you know that
you want to be with this person for a long time.
Having great sex encourages that long lasting bond,
but once again,
if it seems like the entire reason the relationship exists
is for sex,
that could be contradictory to this goal.
Ask yourself if the goal of sex,
for both of you and your partner,
is to express love,
to please one another,
or if the goal is something more temporary and one-sided.
Just because the sex is good,
doesn't mean there is a real connection.
You can have bad sex but still
be cared for and appreciated in a genuinely loving way.
It all depends on what you actually want out of it.
Is There (Literally) Romantic Chemistry?
Obviously, this isn't something you can
check for yourself on a chemical level,
but you can become aware of your own thoughts.
How often do you find yourself,
for example, mesmerized by the symmetry of their face,
wanting to make them laugh,
or genuinely wanting their opinion?
Compare that to how often you feel a sexual urge around them.
Are you able to be in their presence and not think about sex?
It's easy to get these feelings confused,
as neurobiologist Semir Zeki writes in
the Neurobiology of Love, published in FEBS Letters.
"Release of dopamine puts one in a 'feel good' state,
and dopamine seems to be intimately linked
not only to the formation of relationships but also to sex,
which consequently comes to be regarded as
a rewarding and 'feel good' exercise."
This is why it's important to identify your own desires.
If you're honest with yourself,
do you feel an urge to express romantic love with your partner
without the end goal being sex?
Do you want romance and love with this person for the sake of it?
And when you do have sex...
Do You Feel the Same After Sex?
Maybe you think your goal really is a romantic connection
and sex just happens to be a product of that.
That's true for a lot of people,
but if you're still questioning your or your partner's desires,
ask yourself what it's like after sex.
Do you still want their company,
even if there won't be more sex?
Is there still desire after sex,
a desire for love and affection,
or do you feel like you want to be by yourself?
If you find yourself switching off after sex,
in other words, you don't really feel like talking or hanging out after sex,
that could be the result of only having sexual chemistry
and not real love.
As Dr. Semir Zeki continues,
"Sexual arousal (and orgasms)
de-activate a region in the frontal cortex
that overlaps the de-activated region observed in romantic love."
For a brief period, when aroused,
sex does become the focus,
but if you're in love,
those romantic feelings should come back after sex.
Sexual chemistry can not and should not
replace love permanently.
Hold on to love if you have it.
If you don't have love but you do have sexual chemistry,
make that known to your partner or friend with benefits.
As long as it's safe and healthy and you both benefit from it,
enjoy it while you can but don't be afraid to pursue real love
when you do find it.
If this video taught you something new
or gave you some perspective, let us know in the comments
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Thanks so much for watching. Until next time!