What do I do if I'm being harassed, bullied, or stalked online?
Hi, everyone.
Leo Notenboom here for
Askleo.com.
Now, normally, this is where I would quote the original question.
The problem problem is that this topic
appears in so many different guises, and the questions get asked
in so many different ways that quoting a single question would
really only give you a small slice of a much larger and important pie.
Call it what you will cyberbullying, online harassment, stalking, whatever.
It's frighteningly common, I hear,
I won't say daily, but I hear frequently
from people that are facing these kind of issues.
The most at risk appear to be children
and individuals who've been in abusive domestic relationships.
The questions I get most often boil down to variations on Isn't it illegal?
How do I find out who's responsible? How do I make them stop?
And how can I get back at them?
I'm going to tackle each one of those in turn.
Isn't it illegal?
Well, to begin with, of course,
I need to throw out the obligatory caveat that I am not a lawyer.
This is not legal advice.
This represents my understanding
and opinion of the current landscape for this topic.
If you're actually facing a real issue
that you need legal information on, seek out a qualified attorney
and they should be able to give you what's appropriate for you.
And I say that not only as part of covering my own behind,
but in reality, one of the difficulties about this specific question,
the legalities involved is that the answer varies depending on where you are,
where you are, on the planet, where you are, in a country
where you are in a locale, the answer can vary dramatically.
Sometimes.
What we might think to be harassment is not considered to be harassment in some
areas, and there's no legal recourse to deal with it.
In other cases, things that we might not consider to be
harassment are, in fact, against some kind of legal code.
So it's important that you actually understand the local issues,
the local jurisdiction, the local legalities,
of the issue that you're facing in order to understand
whether or not you really have a legal issue in front of you.
The best way to do that, of course, is to contact an attorney
that is familiar with the laws and the issues not only on this topic,
but on this topic, specifically, as it applies to wherever you may happen to be.
How do I find out who's responsible
YOU
don't.
That's a really frustrating answer
for a lot of people to hear, but it's the truth.
Not only is it the safest thing to do,
but the pragmatic reality is that the tools that would allow you
to determine who was behind online harassment or bullying,
they're not available to you and me, not legally.
They are generally only available to law enforcement.
They
may be able to.
They may have the resources they may have the tools to track down exactly
who it is that's behind whatever it is that's happening to you
now, the huge caveat here is that they may not have the expertise.
They may not have the time.
Your issue as deeply troubling and important as it is to you
may not rise to the level of being important enough for them
to take time away from other, possibly more pressing issues to focus on yours.
So I say that with some hesitation,
because the right thing to do is to take it to the authorities.
But you also have to understand that you may not get relief from the authorities.
It really does depend on the situation.
And ultimately, like I said, this is not something you can do yourself.
How do I make them stop?
Well, this kind of dovetails into the previous answer.
You may not necessarily be able to.
If you believe that a crime has been committed, that something illegal is
happening, then by all means, contact local law enforcement.
But let's say for a moment
that they're not able to help or they're unwilling to help.
They just don't have time to help.
If you're not able to get help, what kinds of things can you do on your own?
Your options are kind of limited, but there are a few.
If you're getting harassing email at a particular email address,
stop using that email address as painful as it sounds.
Sometimes the best solution is to get yourself a brand new email address,
send that to all of your friends,
making certain not to disclose it where it shouldn't be disclosed.
And presumably the bullyer would no longer be able to contact you.
Another approach, of course,
would be to set up a filter to automatically delete the message.
You're not necessarily stopping them from trying to reach you,
but you are stopping them from reaching you by virtue of having the message
not be delivered or being deleted immediately upon arrival.
If somehow your email account
has been stolen and you no longer have access to it, same thing.
Create a new email account with a new email address and let your contacts know
to ignore anything coming from the old one.
If you're getting harassing chat messages,
same thing, close the account and begin a new one.
There really is no way to stop
someone from attempting to contact you if they're persistent enough.
The only thing you can really do is to move your target.
Yes, these are all what I call the cyber equivalent of changing your phone number
to an unlisted one or even moving to avoid harassment.
And yes, to put it very bluntly, it sucks,
but these are the kind of resources we're left with.
If we can't get help elsewhere.
Finally, how can I get back at them?
You do not.
I cannot stress this enough.
You do not get back at people harassing
you or bullying you at a very pragmatic level.
It generally just makes the situation
worse, these attempts that people have made to basically strike back
at whoever they think is causing them an issue often causes more of an issue
than it solves, and to be even more pragmatic about it.
It's very possible that you then become the person committing a crime.
The things that they're doing to you may be illegal.
That does not justify or make legal the things you might do in return.
Simply don't.
Don't even try.
It's just not worth it.
Involve the authorities,
law enforcement, school officials ISPs if you have to,
if you can, and then let them do their jobs whether or not they can.
There's still nothing you should attempt to do to get retribution.
Like I said, it just isn't worth it.
How do I prevent all this in the first place?
This is usually asked
in the context of being a parent, they want to protected their children.
I totally get that.
I have some ideas.
I am not an expert in this field.
I do have links with the companion article
to resources that you should follow up with to learn more about
the kinds of things you need to be aware of and kinds of steps you can take.
But these are my impressions from having actually seen and heard these stories
over and over again for coming up on almost 19 years now.
One, be the parent. This is tough.
I get it. This is tough, but this means having rules
sticking to them, realizing that they're children regardless of how young or old
they are, they need to have rules, follow those rules.
And if that implies what they're doing needs to be monitored, then monitor.
Be realistic. Again,
it's almost in counterargument to the monitoring scenario because really
what you're doing by being the parent is trying to teach your children
appropriate values so that they don't become the bully.
You can't watch them all the time.
There's nothing that says they won't go to a neighbor and be able to see
or do things that they would not be allowed to do at home.
It's really important to understand that children are probably
most likely to be affected by what I would call peer to peer bullying.
While adult predation is real and gets all the headlines,
kids are generally bullying other kids
much more.
I was bullied as a kid
before the internet back in the stone ages,
but the point is that it was kids that caused me the most grief and I can't
imagine what it would have been like had there been an internet.
That's what you need to pay attention to.
That's where you need to spend your attention and time on understanding.
Now, when it comes to securing accounts, choose strong passwords and that includes
both your accounts and those of your children.
Don't share your passwords with anyone.
This is a trap that kids fall into all the time.
They get pressured into sharing their account passwords with friends.
And then all of a sudden,
as we know, as kids, friendships come and go well,
when they go and they walk away with one of your passwords,
all of a sudden, they have a tremendous amount of leverage over what can happen
to that account, and they can cause a tremendous amount of damage.
Don't publish personal information publicly.
This is less about just posting pictures
of yourself as it is, making sure you're not leaking information
that people can use to impersonate you things like your birthday,
your favorite pet, your high school mascot,
all those kinds of things that are used as security questions or profile questions.
These are the kinds of things that not only should you think twice about,
but your kids really need to understand that it is not appropriate for them to be
sharing any of that kind of information at this time.
It's really important to never assume you know someone you've never actually met.
It doesn't matter that you've been talking with them for years, even online.
If you haven't met them, you don't know who they are.
Not really.
And we've definitely heard of long Con games where people do
nurture a relationship for a really extended period of time.
And then once they've got their mark's
trust it turns into a scam or a Con or bullying or harassment.
Remember, if you haven't actually met someone
you haven't actually met them.
Learn the technology.
This is probably the most important for parents, although
kids are picking it up on the way anyway, but do learn the technology.
Understand what it means to be safe and secure.
Understand what it means to not only have
strong passwords and different passwords for every site,
but have a solution for managing all that because it can get overwhelming.
It can get difficult to understand and keep track of.
There are tools. There are solutions that are appropriate
for you, but what's most important is that you take
on the responsibility of learning what it means to be safe
online and then share that education with your kids.
So I mentioned that I have some resources. Where can I get help?
Is another question.
Of course, I do recommend that you again talk to your local law enforcement.
I was able to a couple of years ago attend a presentation on Internet safety
for children from a local Detective from the Seattle Police Department.
If you've got an opportunity
to attend something similar in your area, I strongly recommend it be it in person or
online, especially if you've got the opportunity
to ask questions of whoever is making the presentation at the time.
These are very valuable.
And while the discussion might very well be centered on children,
the rules and the topics and the issues that come up are going to apply
to everybody, regardless of their age, regardless of their situation.
Some additional resources that I do want to throw out your local law enforcement.
That's a place to start the cyber tip line on the Web is a place
to report or learn more about preventing sexual exploitation of children.
There's also a UK based resource there as well.
Your local ISP now.
This can be really spotty because ISPs
vary so dramatically based on their own abilities, their own knowledge.
Heck, whether or not they even care, but a lot of them have
different sources for not only action
to be taken when there is an issue, but how to prevent some of those issues
in the first place and then online resources like netsmarts.
Org for the National Children for Missing and Exploited Children.
That's another good resource with a lot of information about these topics.
All of these links are included with the companion article for this video.
I struggle
to talk about this kind of stuff because I don't want to add fuel to what I already.
What I think is an overblown fire.
It's important to stay safe.
It really is.
Talking about this kind of stuff can make
the Internet seem like a significantly more dangerous place than it really is.
The Internet is a wonderful place.
There is so much available,
so many open doors, so much connection,
so much communication, so much information,
so much we can learn and do and prosper by being connected online.
And yet we do need to stay safe.
It does open doors for what I call darker elements.
We've heard about them.
We've heard about them too much because like I said,
I honestly believe that the Internet is a much safer place than the news media.
That all these stories would have lead you to believe.
The bottom line, though, is that it is your responsibility.
It is my responsibility to use the Internet safely,
use the Internet with awareness of the kinds of things that are possible
and then pass what you learn on to others.
I hope this was helpful.
I hope this was instructive.
Like I said, the links are included in the article.
Additional comments, updates, and more are at
askleo.com/15569
I'm Leo Notenboom.
This is askleo.com