We go now to another Anonymous in Kearney, Nebraska, listening on Spirit
Catholic Radio. Anonymous, you are on with Trent Horn, what's your question? Yeah my
question kind of piggybacks well off the last one, and it has to do with sex
outside of marriage. I was raised Catholic, so it's not so much rejecting
the Catholic belief--I went away from the church for like 25 years
and I'm trying to find my way back in, but in those 25 years I met a man and
we've been going together, sleeping together for the last 20 years. Well, now
that I'm getting back to the faith, I want to be able to get that squared. And
he was married before, neither of them were baptized in any church, so I'm not
sure if that has a bearing, but I'm looking for a way to explain to him why
it's not okay to not be married. I talked to a priest about it, and he gave me all
of the logic about starting a family, but we're both too old to have a family, so
that argument doesn't really work to help convince him that we need to start
doing it right, and I just wonder and what would be a good reason that might
help him see that I want to kind of clean this up and get back to the Church
in all ways? Sure. Now, Anonymous, let me sort through the situation a little bit.
You are a baptized Catholic who has been away from the Church for a while; you...
and you are in a romantic relationship with this man;
have you ever been married before, or you're just in this relationship with
this gentleman? No, I have never been married. He was. Is he Catholic?
No, neither him nor his ex-wife were baptized in any religion. Okay.
So I don't know if he's even free to marry....you know?
Right. What would come about here, then, is: even if he was never baptized, his wives
were never baptized, the Church still presumes that they were in a valid
marriage. However, two non-baptized people-- if you were in a marriage with someone
who is, you know, has never been baptized, between two non non-baptized individuals,
that can be dissolved aside from death. So that's not
indissoluble. It's only a Sacramental marriage between two baptized Christians
that's valid, would be indissoluble. So what would happen here is that it's still
presumed to be valid and the Church understands that marriage, even if even
if it's between people who are not baptized, that for it to be valid, there's
the presumption that it's supposed to be lifelong; there's that that pledge of
unity and fidelity. So what you would have to do is, if you two--would you want
to marry this man, or are you two-- is marriage somewhere in the
cards? I know you're older in years, but would you, is that something either of
you is open to? I would like to, he has some reservations on it because he sees it as a piece of paper that...
a false sense of security, and...I can understand that, just because of, he's
experiencing this first. The other part of me goes, "But don't I deserve
something that's real?" And you do. And you most certainly do, that if this man,
regardless of how old he is, how old you are, if he expects you, wants you to give
yourself to him in an intimate way, to give your whole self to him, then he
doesn't have a right to that piecemeal. You know, on his terms. That for--what
God planned for us, if we're to give ourselves fully and freely to one
another, that's why God created the bond of marriage. If--it's something for
all people, all people recognize, whether they're Christian or not. So what I'd
recommend in this situation, that, one, I guess for the both of
you to go, to see, for you to see a priest first, that I would like to encourage you
to come back to the faith, to the mercy of God, through the Sacrament of
Confession; and let God lift any of the burdens that have been placed on you and
your heart over these decades, really, and to be to be free from them. And from
there, to accept God's call to live a chaste and holy life. And God will
give you the grace to do that. He's given you the grace all these decades,
and you feel that pull to want to come back to the Church, you know, that pull
of God's love. So I would recommend to do that, to go to Confession, to seek out
a priest, and to make a pledge to live this chaste life. And if this man really
loves you, then he'll make that promise to you however both long you have to
live, the promise to be only true to one another. Now if he's been married before,
at that point, if you two could move towards marriage, there'd be an
investigation to see if his other marriages are valid, or if there's a
possibility that they could be dissolved for him to marry you, because you are
baptized even though he is not, and that is a possibility. So I would talk to a
priest, and then talk to the tribunal in your diocese when it comes to marriage.
But the steps would be: Reconciliation for yourself; going, you
know, with God and with the Church; the resolution to live a holy life, to follow
God's commandments; and then to find a healthy course for this relationship you
were in with this man, and to sort out his past marriages and to investigate
the possibility to continue your relationship towards marriage if that's
where it's called. So I guess that's kind of the road map I'd look towards.
Is that is that at least helpful, Anonymous? Well it is, kind of, but I'm kind of trying to
figure out a way that I can explain to him why it's so important to me, you know?
Because I've been, for the last year, gone-- I really want to go to Confession--but
then we get together and it's like I don't have what it takes to turn him
down, and... I see. It's one of those things if I don't want to go to
Confession, and then the next week being in the same boat, going, "Okay, I was just
kidding, God," you know? And I think, Anonymous-- and I don't know how to address that
issue and get him to understand, because when I have brought up
abstinence with him, and and I bring it up in terms of "I really want to get back
to the Church and see where this goes," then he all of a sudden goes
absolute extremism, to where "You're breaking up with me and you never want
to see me again." And I--no, that's not what I'm saying,
I'm saying I need to put God first here. That's right, that's the exact correct
attitude. In the Gospels, Anonymous, Jesus was speaking to the disciples, to the
Apostles, and He said in Matthew 19:29, He said, "Everyone who has
left houses or brothers, sisters, father, mother, children, or lands, for my name's
sake, will receive a hundredfold and inherit eternal life." Jesus understands
that, if we choose to follow Him, that may-- you know, sometimes people we are friends
with, or romantically involved with, will understand and support us, but many
people in this life won't. And we do have to make a choice, sometimes I'll
choose God or I'll choose this person that doesn't, that wants to lead me away
from God, not towards God. And what God wants us to do is to always choose Him,
and not choose those who would lead us away from God. And sometimes we, you know, we
get tempted, we think, "Well, I'm not gonna be happy. I'm gonna be lonely. God, I love
this person, I want to be with them," but ultimately that person will never give
us the joy in our hearts, that's surpassing joy, that God gives us.
So I would tell him, you'll have to just tell him, "Look, God is the number one
thing in my life. He created me, He loves me, He has a plan for me and for my
eternal soul, and for you, and I love you, and I want to share that with you, but if
you don't see that the way I do, then maybe this relationship
is is not to be for us." And ultimately I would say, you could say to him, "If you
love me, if you want what's best for me, you see, I believe this is what's best
for me, and if you love me, will you help me to
see that, and if you don't think it's what's best for me, that's such a
fundamental difference, maybe we have to take some time apart to figure
this out." So I think that ultimately, if he--to say--to KNOW, Anonymous, you
deserve love, you are God's beloved, and if this gentleman wants to
treat you as his beloved, he would not put anything between you and God, and to
always choose God over anything that would lead us away from Him. So are those
help helpful words to...I know it's a tough path, but is that helpful?
Yeah, that's really good, thank you. Okay. God bless, Anonymous, and let's pray for
you that it's...it's a struggle we-- every struggle every day in life, I think,
is a choice between, do we choose God, or do we choose something that seems good
in this world, we know it leads us away--it's like a mirage. It looks good, we know
it leads us away from God, but it looks so good, but ultimately it's gonna leave
us unsatisfied. That's the dilemma we face every day, both in big decisions
and small ones, so we'll pray for you Anonymous, and to continue your path
not to the mirage but to the true joy we find in Jesus.