- Oh
my god Tiffany.
Did you see Game of Thrones this week?
- Mmmmmm
Yes I did
and did that Queen lose her damn mind
or what?
♪ Gay of Thrones Theme ♪
- I can not even believe it's the
pen-ultimate
episode of Game of Thrones,
but at the very beginning
we had Dr. Evil, honey.
He was drafting his mean tweets
when he's interrupted by
Harriet the Spy
who is feeling a little bit paranoid
because she had too much sativa honey.
- [Girl] I think they're watching me.
- [Varys] Of course they are.
That's there job.
- Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean you're wrong.
Never ever doubt a woman's intuition.
Oooo!
That was Big Trouble In Little Dragonstone!
- [Tyrion] It was me.
- [Varys] I hope I deserve this.
- So down there at the beach,
Christina Aguilera wasted no time
reading Dr. Evil his Miranda Lambert rights.
- [Dany] I Daenerys, of house Targaryen
First of my name
sentence you to die.
- But she lights his ass up like a
Flat Iron finger burn
Owww!
(Dragon Breathing Fire)
- Oh that happened to me once.
One time I burned my whole cheek.
- That's your money maker.
- I know,
but it got me sympathy.
Let me tell you somethin,
that dragon was giving me Bohemian Rhapsody Déjà vu.
♪ I'm just a dragon ♪
♪ And I'm gonna burn you ♪
(Laughter)
You owe me, uh, royalties for that.
- Oh, but honey, you better guess again
Christina Aguilera is not done bringing the heat
on this foin evening
because she's tryin to get a steamy
with her brother's son honey!
- Mmmmmm
She nasty.
- [Jon] You will always be my Queen.
- [Dany] Is that all I am to you?
- But you know what, he was stiff as a board
and not in a good way.
- Oh but she was
ab-sol-ute-ly
Pep-pered
Don't read those lips,
read those eyes
- [Dany] Alright then.
- Meanwhile, we find out that Mayor Pete
only knows restaurant Spanish
(Speaking Foreign Language)
- [Soldier] We speak the common tongue.
- Honey, I think Nicholas Sparks is the president of the writing room this season.
He's giving us
high velocity melodrama.
- [Tyrion] If it weren't for you,
I never would have survived my childhood.
- [Jaime] You would have.
- You were the only one
who didn't treat me like a monster.
(emotional music)
- Later, King's Landing fashion week starts
and Jared Let Himself Go comes
stomping down the runway with his fat ass
with that extra, extra, EXTRA long belt.
Oh, give Brother D a hormone laden Turkey leg
and a cup of mead
because he is serving us some
Renfair flair with that little circle scarf hoodie honey!
Honey, please do not sleep
on the Wells Fargo Army
with their Newsie inspired
high waisted khakis
- Meanwhile,
the whole town is rushing about
like your d*ck appointment is 20 minutes early honey
and you just walked in the door from work.
You gotta clean out your litterbox honey,
take a cloth to your lady parts
and get yourself right
so that you can just be like
HEEEYYYYY
there you are
I'm so ready
- Yeah, she ready
you gotta take a quick little ho bath, like,
ah, ah
- We can't do that.
See you can do that.
- You can't take a ho bath?
it's-
It's our butts.
Sometimes you gotta-
No.
You gotta introduce her to like
a half a gallon of some warm water honey
see what you do is you go to the bathroom,
- I've got the detachable shower head
- Yasss so you put the little nozzle in front of your booty hole
and you just- you just-
(Clicking noise)
put it right on up in there
and you just..
- Shut up!
- and then you take it out and just
shimmy shammel shimmy shammel
Run around a little bit.
I like to do a littlw roll with it.
- Uhuh
You know the last time I took it up the
Ning na- (Spasm Noise)
It was- Do do came out.
- Oh no no no
So you have to get all prepped up right
So you see that's what we're here to show you
- Right, now, ok, tell me
where do I get this nozzle from?
- Oh honey, online,
the pleasure chest honey,
there's all sorts of places
and if you're travelling,
you can get you a little balloon.
(happy music)
Then of course, Jared Let Himself Go
misplaced his Oakley wrap around sunglasses
which he's desperately gonna need
because Christina brought her fire breathing dragon
and his belly's
full of those UV rays.
(Boats Exploding)
(Wall Collapsing)
- And before you know it,
the timers done,
pencils down,
the bell is rung
school is out for summer honey.
- But poor Christina has flunked
winning gracefully 101
- Turns out Jon Snow has deniers remorse
cause he shoulda put that D
in aunty Daenerys
- [Jon] NOOOOOOO!
Get back! Get back!
- If only her tongue was as pretty and beautiful as yours
Just cascading up out of that bottom--
You just tease his, like little nephew, little--
base of it right there
right on that big little, you know--
and you could just like,
just choke on a little Christina--
(Gagging Noise)
- You could do right here too.
Like corn.
If she would of did that, that would've been a wrap
- Game over, she's-
- He woulda been like, aunty who?
See here go my thing, you know what i'm sayin,
once I start getting the good D
Now I'm putting myself in Christina's shoes, ok?
I'm gettin the good D,
Now you telling me this good D is related to me,
Well you know what?
Still keep running the D because
guess what, I need D to keep me sane.
You keep the D in the family.
- There is a D in family
- It is.
Familied
- And what's going on with Evil No Volume Carol Brady?
Well, glad you asked.
- [Qyburn] The scorpions have all been destroyed.
Your grace, the Iron Fleet is burning.
The gates have been breached.
- She's up in her perch
just sh*tting her panties
But like Tom Petty
she won't back down
Also like Tom Petty,
she's crushing this red velvet top.
- Everyone on fire, ok.
You got Donna,
Lynn,
Laurie,
Shelley,
Aaliyah,
Rose,
Bryant,
Darren,
and Ulysses.
Everybody holdinn down the fort.
- Huh!
oh, shit, sorry.
Then at Splash Mountain,
Brother D and Jared Let Himself Go
get into a huge fight
over who gets the last fast pass to the Queen's chamber.
- [Euron] If I win,
I'll bring your head to Cersei so you can kiss her.
So Jared Let Himself Go may be dead on a beach
but I will always remember him
thanks to my Big Dog Tee.
- [Euron] I'm the man who killed Jaime Lannister.
- Back at Crumble Castle
Baby Kill Bill is about to go murder some more people,
when Dog The Bounty Hunter is like, you know what?
This could be a great time for a career change.
- [Clegane] You come with me
you die here.
- [Arya] Thank you.
- And finally it's brother vs brother.
Beef3po vs Dog The Bounty Hunter
The hassel in the Castle
Dead meat in the Red Keep
There'll be one left standing in King's Landing
It's the Cleganebowl!
- But first, Evil No Volume Carol Brady is like,
Oh,
pardon me
so sorry,
just wait
one second
Not even the Cersei shuffle can distract
two brothers that are comin at each others throats so hard
- Brothers don't shake hands.
(Screaming)
Brothers gotta hug!
Meanwhile,
Evil No Volume Carol Brady and Brother D
are reunited, and it feels so good
when Brother D's like, wait a tick.
I have a safe space where we could smash
Lets just run downstairs into the basement
of this rapidly crumbling castle.
8 long years
8 LONG YEARS
I've been waiting to watch this b*tch get killed
and how she get killed?
Rocks!
Not rocks from one of her enemies families being thrown
Not even crack rocks!
It coulda been some crack rocks
I woulda loved to seen this b*tch strung out on some sh*t
- Not to mention,
all this war over an unplanned incest pregnancy.
You know, if Ice Pence hadn't gone and shut down
all the Planned Parenthoods in King's Landing
none of this would have happened.
And Tiffany, at the end,
Baby Kill Bill is in her
finest asymetrical mime makeup
but she can not get a ride
no ride in sight
because Lyft and Uber are both on strike.
And after all this death,
all this destruction,
show me where the King's Landing Dry Bar survived
because this horse,
The shag and the fringe on this horse,
next level honey!
- I mean the bangs was like...
(Blows air)
I was like, give me some scissors
cause i'm making a wig.
- I don't even know how we ended up here
we've literally
only one episode left of Game of Thrones forever
and I don't even know whats gonna happen
I mean is Christina, going to,
cut off Jon Snows head and then
f*ck his corpse
I don't know.
Mayor Pete might mess around and kill Christina, ok,
and the next thing you know
he the king
whaaaat?
- Sh*t girl, this is serving me harder
than that horse was serving at the end of the episode realness
- Mmmmmmm
Yeeessss
I feel like a real unicorn now!
(neigh)
Where are
- My dragons!
Oh my god girl look!