- Ladies, stop putting them eyelashes on your car.
(audience laughing)
You want a motherfucker to respect you,
but your car look like a hoe.
Your car riding around trying to give that pussy away,
just blinking in the hood.
(audience laughing)
N****s be like, man I'ma fuck that car when I get a chance.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, women ain't right.
They'll let you put your whole face in their ass
and then say you a nasty n****.
You're like hey.
Man, you riding home smelling your top lip, mad.
(audience laughing)
You got a booty hole mustache, spitting out the window.
(spitting noises) (audience laughing)
I ain't never did that. I seen it on Lifetime.
I seen it- shut up motherfuckers.
(audience laughing) I seen it on Lifetime Channel.
I ain't gotta sit there and lie to y'all.
Y'all looking at me like oh, you had your face
in an ass or two.
(laughing)
I got a cousin, she seven hundred pounds.
She called me crying the other day.
I said, what's wrong?
They snatching women in the neighborhood.
(audience laughing)
I said, and what are you worried about?
(audience laughing)
They ain't finna snatch nothing around you.
You might get forklift off one of these streets.
(audience laughing)
Anyway, she been running down the street,
when a woman been getting jog, snatched.
She jogging down the street, looking in cars,
trying to get snatched.
She's looking in the car. (audience laughing)
She running through the park.
She waving at cars.
Because you know how them big girls, they run real slow.
(audience laughing)
The van that been snatching the women
road past her five fucking times the other night.
I told her, what does that tell you?
They didn't see me.
I said, how in the fuck did they not see you?
They seen you.
How could somebody not see a circle on the corner?
(audience laughing)
A big cheerio standing there on the corner,
and ain't nobody see you.
Anyway, she got snatched.
(audience laughing)
I think they snatched her last Thursday
or something like that.
Yeah, they snatched her.
(audience laughing)
I talked to the detective.
He said, "Mr.Epps, she got in the van."
Yeah, she got in the van.
A lot of young girls are dealing
with old men now, you're dealing with old sugar daddies.
Who's sitting there with Mr. Charles right now?
(audience laughing)
Who's sitting here with Mr. Earnest right now?
(audience laughing)
I see all them minivans outside
and them Cadillacs and them Chrysler New Yorkers.
Who's sitting with Mr. Earnest right now?
That's how you got your ticket.
Some old man done brought your ticket.
He been telling people for weeks
he gonna bring you here.
Yep, I'm gonna take her down there to the right, to the uh-
what the hell?
I'm going take her down there to the,
to the Orpheum this weekend.
I think Mike Epps supposed to be down there.
But um...
They don't have no underwear on.
Balls and change, all that people.
(audience laughing)
But them old men get mad
when they've been paying your bills
and you don't give 'em no p*ssy.
I need to talk to you for a minute.
(audience laughing)
I need to talk to you for a minute, Sylvia.
Shut up, you gonna listen to me.
I listen to you.
You're going to listen to me.
(audience laughing)
They be trying to keep their false teeth in their mouth.
I listen you, you going to listen to me.
Now I come over here the other day
and gave you a hundred dollars.
Not a hundred but a hundred dollars.
And every time I go to touch on you
it's a problem, see, bitch.
I'm gonna learn you tonight.
I'm gonna learn you. (audience laughing)
Because you don't know who your mama gave some p*ssy to
when you live in the hood.
You don't know who your mama gave some p*ssy to.
You walking outta the grocery store
and some old n**** walk up talking
about how's your mother doing, little brother.
Yeah, who the fuck are you?
Tell her Sea Monster said hello, all right?
(audience laughing)
N**** get mad and go home mad as hell.
You fucking Sea Monster, mama?
That's how I got y'all school clothes this year.
I'll fuck him again if I had to.
Little boys don't like when you fucking they mama.
Where's your mother at?
She ain't here. (audience laughing)
There's a lot of young grandmas out here.
Y'all, these grandmas nowadays, oh my god.
Y'all not gonna be like our grandmas now.
Don't forget, our grandmas was listening to Natalie Cole.
Y'all listening to Megan Thee Stallion.
(audience laughing)
So you know what kind of grandma that's going to be.
Baby, we were twerking like a motherfucking wee baby.
I had n****s in my DMs like a motherfucker.
(audience laughing)
Me and Rose went to a Cardi B concert, we had a ball.
(laughs)
Not Rose. (laughs)
Me and Laquisha went to a-
(audience laughing)
90 years old, Laquisha.
Me and Laquisha had a ball, bitch.
(audience laughing)
How many women in here
think they the best woman they man ever had?
Keep it real.
How many? (audience cheering)
Yeah. Okay.
Why? Why?
She said 'cause I seen the bitch.
(audience laughing)
You seen- (laughing)
I seen that hoe.
You went backwards, n****. (laughs)
Women will dog a man out for his past relationships.
They'll tell you in a minute,
I'm the best thing you ever had.
Look how people treat you now.
(audience laughing)
You seem more happier is what everybody is saying.
Ain't that a bitch?
You going to take God's credit, baby?
(audience laughing)
We didn't know we was going to meet y'all ladies.
If we knew we was gonna meet you,
we'd have told every woman before we met you,
nope, I can't fuck with you.
I got a bad bitch waiting on me five years from now.
She gonna kill me for fucking with your ugly ass.
(audience laughing and clapping)
(laughs)
Women don't like to apologize, do they fellas?
Tell the truth.
Hell no.
You know how women apologize?
I'm sorry.
Let it go.
I did it.
It's over.
Stop tripping.
It's like no, motherfucker.
That shit ain't going past that quick.
We harping on this.
(audience laughing)
Because when we do something,
they don't let us forget a motherfucking thing.
It be two years later, they on their period.
Wanna go get something to eat?
Go ask that bitch with the blue sweater on if she wanna go.
(audience laughing)
That bitch is dead now.
See all these young girls in here.
Young girls, y'all need to hang with, around,
nothing but Tina Turner's, older women, from Hogville.
Tina Turners and Betty Wrights.
(audience laughing)
Older women know how to ask you for some money.
Young women don't know how to ask you for no money,
after they done gave you some coochie.
Older women know how to ask for that money.
This is how older woman ask for some money.
I was wondering since we spent a couple hours together,
seemed like you enjoyed yourself,
if you have it on your heart to do something nice for me,
so I can get my nails and my toes done
and a few other things.
How you gonna tell this motherfucker no,
she says some shit like this.
This is how young girls ask for some money.
You still gonna do what you said you're gonna do, OG?
(audience laughing)
I gotta give you two hundred dollars and take an antibiotic?
Bitch, don't come back.
I don't give a fuck with-
I got four daughters.
I don't know what the fuck I did wrong or right.
(laughs)
Four daughters, can you imagine?
Ooh lord.
Because I've been running around lying to women
and cheating on 'em and shit my whole life.
God said I got something for you, n****.
Yeah, you know God from DC, he said,
I got something for you, slim.
(audience laughing)
I got something for you, slim.
Four daughters.
No more skeeting on bitches backs for me and none of that.
Skeet on another bitch's back.
(audience laughing)
I asked the doctor, what did I do wrong?
He said, you gotta stop fucking women
with dress socks on, Mike.
(audience laughing)
Walk around butt naked with some dress socks
on in the house.
Yeah, it's cool to have daughters, you know,
'cause you get to see your mother in 'em and shit.
You see your mom, you're like, damn girl,
you remind me of my mama.
You know what I mean?
You get to see beautiful things when you got daughters.
You know?
But what fuck you up and make you mad is man,
when they start dating.
They start bringing little boys in the house.
'Cause you don't know what the effect of having
a daughter is until she bring a n**** in the house.
(audience laughing)
My daughter's been bringing all little boys
in the house that look like me.
I want to kill every last one of 'em.
I said, if you anything like I was, I'm gonna fuck you up.
(audience laughing)
This one, I really want to fuck him up.
He be walking around looking at me.
Ha, ha, ha, ha. (audience laughing)
This little, fucking tight pants ass, little nut hugger.
(audience laughing)
I be looking at him going like this-
(indistinct noises)
gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, gang, n****.
(audience laughing)
One night I needed some weed.
I couldn't find none.
I called everybody.
I said, I'm gonna try something.
He was sitting in there.
I said, hey man, you smoke weed?
He said, no, I don't smoke no weed.
I said, I knew he was lying, I said okay.
And before I can get out the door,
he said, I know who got it.
(audience laughing)
I said, oh yeah?
Yeah, I know a guy that know a guy.
I said, is it good?
He said, it's loud.
(audience laughing)
I said, go get it.
Man, I'm sitting there watching this little motherfucker.
He walk out the back door and walk right back in the house.
I said I'm gonna fuck- (audience laughing)
I'm gonna slap the shit outta him, soon as I seen.
I said hello, who the fuck you think I am?
(audience laughing)
He was like, what, OG, I got the.
I said, man, you had it on you.
I said, get your ass in here,
'cause I still wanted it. (audience laughing)
I wasn't gonna kick his ass out that house.
As long as I been looking for this,
I said get your ass in here, man.
Man the weed was so good.
I've been asking my daughter where your little friend at?
(audience laughing)
I kinda like him.
I liked him too much.
I got a granddaughter now.
(audience gasp)
Yeah, you get in an argument with your girl.
Them arguments are, they are pinnacle in a relationship.
You get in an argument with your girl,
y'all say some shit to each other
y'all couldn't believe each other said about each other.
In the middle of the argument,
your girl will be like, for real?
Yeah for real, bitch.
You look like a hobbit. (audience laughing)
And women know how to say some shit to fuck our ego up.
Little dick, motherfucker. (audience laughing)
Get your dick game right.
Sometimes they clap.
Get your dick game right. (audience laughing)
Yeah, we cuss your ass out.
We want to talk the next day.
Yeah, women will make your ass suffer.
You done call me all kind of bitches,
I ain't talking to your ass for a while.
We want to talk the next day and act like nothing happened
but y'all won't answer the fucking phone.
But we keep calling. Fuck it.
I'm gonna fucking keep calling, bitch,
'cause I got something to say.
You wouldn't let me finish.
When we was arguing I had three more shit to say to you.
Let me get that off,
and you finally start leaving messages after three days.
Boop. That was fucked up what you did Friday.
You fucking crazy.
Second day, real different.
Boop.
I don't know where you at
but just let me know you all right.
I don't want to talk to you either.
(audience laughing)
Third day, real different.
Boop. You see Love & Hip Hop last night?
(audience laughing)
Then I watched Empire.
You seen Cookie on Empire? (audience laughing)
(laughing)
Fourth day, real different.
Boop. Hey look, I prayed on this last night.
(audience laughing)
We cannot do this without God.
That's what's fucking our relationship.
We ain't got no spirituality in it.
Call me back now.
Oh yeah, and I'm going to get help too.
I talked to the lady this morning.
(audience laughing)
I want you to go with me.
Call me back.
I love you. Bye.
Fifth day, real different.
Boop. Fuck you then, bitch. (audience laughing)
You wanna act like a n**** did something
that motherfucking bad, fuck you.
Because I know what I am to this relationship.
Call me back now
or I'm gonna kill myself.
Bitch, this is not a game. (audience laughing)
N**** shoot the gun in the sky and drop the phone.
(mimics gun sound)
(audience laughing)
But that motherfucking phone ring.
(mimics phone ringing)
Oh man, she call him back.
But you supposed to be dead. (audience laughing)
That's when you call her mama.
You ever call a bitch's mama?
I'm gonna tell her mama what she doing.
Like her mama gonna agree with your ass.
(mimics phone ringing)
Hello? How you doing Miss Jane?
Well, well, well, if it ain't Ike Turner in here,
acting a fool.
I guess you heard what happened?
Yeah, she said she sick of your shit.
You didn't?
Yeah, she is sick and tired of it.
She said that you won't let her go nowhere.
She said that you are abusive.
She said that, shut up,
let me finish saying what I'm gonna say to you.
She said that you said you were going
to kill all her friends.
(audience laughing)
Did she tell you what she said to me, Miss Jane?
What?
She said I had a little dick.
Well do you? Shit.
(outro music)