Friend of the show, Chris Harrison--
guys, we're getting right at-- he hosted Volcano Live!
exclamation, last night. Let me tell you something,
you didn't need that exclamation point.
It was kind of boring. "Daredevil" Nik Wallenda
tightrope-walked over an active volcano in Nicaragua.
ANNOUNCER: ...the lava beneath reaching
up to 2,200 degrees Fahrenheit.
Let me take these goggles off.
SPADE: Yeah, that's beneath.
HARRISON: Off the wire.
Nik Wallenda into the history books!
So, it didn't look that scary.
If you're taking off your goggles during it
and looking around, wiping the sweat down,
-(laughter) -talking the whole time...
He's wearing less than scuba gear.
-It's, like... -(laughter)
The only thing dangerous is that it's hot.
I want to point out the fact
he looks like a retired P.E. teacher, right?
-(laughter) -Should throw that out.
He does.
This is the only way a bald guy can get on network television.
(laughter)
That's true. That's funny.
I don't know, I mean, it doesn't look scary.
It looks safe. That's, like, you know the babies
-that they have the leash attached to? -Yeah.
-(laughter) -It's like, "You could go far,
but you ain't goin' nowhere."
Listen, it doesn't look scary.
You can sign up for this at a resort in Costa Rica.
-(laughter) -He's got a harness.
He's got this thing they have at Dodger Stadium
when they carry hot dogs, you know what I mean?
So he doesn't have to carry the stick.
And then he's got all this... and then they secure this, too.
-Where's the scary part? -Yeah, I don't...
That's, like, if Evel Knievel's like,
"I'm gonna drive this motorcycle over the Grand Canyon
-over a million pillows!" Like... -(laughter)
All right.
Well, they kept saying, "Don't look down,"
and he did look down a couple times
-and checked his phone. -(laughter)
He was texting. I saw him send a dick pic.
-(laughter) -Oh, he's selling dirty?
Also, they tell you, like, "Oh, he walked 1,800 feet."
I'm like, I don't know how much that is.
Like, I'm from New York.
Is that three blocks? Is it four?
What is that?
The thing is, well, how long is that?
They kept pushing "daredevil."
He's a, uh, tightrope enthusiast.
-(laughter) -Hey, you know, I have to say it, though,
this is... this is white people shit.
Hey, man, I wasn't gonna say it!
-This is white people shit! -I was like, I'm not gonna say it.
I mean... like, you guys need adversity in your life.
Just go... retire!
Like, what... and-and walking is fine,
'cause that's all he's doing, really,
but then, like, with heat and gas, it get...
I mean, I love being here today, but if you add heat and gas,
-I'm leaving. -(laughter)
-You don't like it hot, yeah. -Well, it's...
it's not the riskiest thing on ABC this year.
The guy on The Bachelor didn't use a condom.
-(laughter, shouts) -SPADE: Oh! Is that true?
Wow. What is it, like, 2020?
(laughter)
You know, his dad used to do this.
You know, the Wallienda family, or Wallenda, and...
I saw on YouTube his walking between hotels,
for really nothing but to get exercise.
'Cause that was just what he did.
And even a stick was considered cheating back then.
But it was just a wire, and then he got blown off,
-and he died, like a man. -Oh, really? -Like a man!
If he saw this, he'd be like, "Eh-heh-heh."
But I mean, this is a hard family to, like, be born into.
Flying Wall... Like, how about, like...
the Famous Hopscotchers?
Or... why can't one of us just go to medical school?
-Like, let's... -That's true. I-I knew...
I knew it wasn't that hard when a guy ran out halfway
-to fix his microphone and ran back. -(laughter)
All right, moving on.
A woman left her unhappy relationship
after getting Stage IV cancer, and she went on--
because she left 'cause she wanted to have
as much sex as she can before she dies.
-She even has a new podcast about it. -(applause, cheering)
-It's called Dying for Sex. -Ha-ha! They're clapping!
Yeah, I know. That's right.
Everyone who doesn't have a relationship is like...
"Yes, that's what I want to do."
Can I just say I have cancer and leave?
-(laughter) -Uh...
No. The worst thing about this is that she has a podcast,
-but, um... -(laughter)
-Funny. -Is it a...
-Yes, Brian? -Is it a Stage IV podcast?
Stage IV podcast, yeah.
It's the worst kind of podcast you can get.
-I have a question. -Yeah?
What if you was a ho before the diagnosis?
-(laughter) -You're not a real hero anymore, yeah.
Either way, I'm listening to the podcast.
-Yeah. -I don't know, man.
I feel like that's, like, not a smart decision.
Like, you're gonna leave someone that stuck by your side
the entire time-- like, if I was married
and I had cancer, I'm not gonna leave my wife.
You know what I mean? I'm gonna keep her, then cheat,
-so I could have both worlds. -(laughter) -SPADE: Yeah.
-And then... -That's 'cause you're a good guy.
-I'm a good guy. -But-but...
wouldn't it be crazy if she didn't die from cancer
-but died from an STD? -(laughter)
Like, "What killed her, the cancer?"
"Nah, gonorrhea."
Well, I think they should update the stages of death.
Now it should be like:
denial...
bargaining...
anal.
(laughter)
-I think that's on a chart. A flowchart in a room. -I know.
Yeah, oh, you know, the first...
the first "F" is a lot of pressure,
but the last one's bad, too.
You don't want to go out on a shoulder-shrugger.
-JOHNSON: Oh, yeah. -Yeah.
-Keep away from me. Yeah. -No. Yeah. You're absolutely right.
Like, nothing is worse than having cancer and bad sex.
(laughter)
-Not the way to go out. -Well, I told my wife
that there's a woman who got cancer,
left her husband, is now having great sex.
She started chain-smoking.
(laughter)
(applause)
-Come on. -Come on.
-That feels like a fake story. -Oh, exact... (laughs)
No, but I-I'm sure she's like,
"No pressure. We just want to have sex."
And then later, she's like,
"Hey, can you do the funeral arrangements?"