- So what do you do when your partner
is no longer sexually attracted to you.
When you feel they don't want you?
They don't desire you.
You know I had an advice column for many many years on Cosmopolitan
and on Closer,
a people would write in and go,
"I love my husband,
"but I don't want to have sex with him."
And clients would come to my office and say,
"I really love my wife.
"But I'm just not interested in her sexually."
So every week I'd have women coming in going,
"I love my husband.
"I don't want to have sex with him,
"but I'm worried he'll leave me
"if I didn't give it to him.
"He's going to look for it elsewhere."
But I had a lot of men coming in too saying,
"I really love my wife.
"She's a great mother,
"but I just don't want to have sex with her.
"My libido is just gone."
And I always thought it was ironic
that they weren't married to each other.
I'd have a man who didn't want to have sex with his wife,
but he loved her.
The next week a wife,
who didn't want to have sex with her husband.
And I always thought, 'isn't it a shame',
because that man had a wife who wanted sex
and the woman I saw,
had a husband who wanted sex,
but they didn't want to have sex with each other.
Why is that?
Why not just break up?
Well, it's very interesting what goes on.
You see for your partner to really desire you
that has so much to do with you feeling desirable.
Sexual attraction begins in the mind.
If it wasn't that,
then we'd all be attracted to the same person.
I've had many clients coming to me and going,
"Oh my God, my boyfriend is so gorgeous.
"Wait till you see him."
They'd give me a picture, and I'm like, "Wow."
And then one man said to me,
"My girlfriend is so hot.
"I'm so jealous of her."
And he showed me a picture of this very ordinary girl
with a slab of short brown hair.
And I actually couldn't see it.
And then she came, became my client and said,
"Oh my God, he tells everyone I'm this goddess,
"and it's so embarrassing because people will meet me
"and I know, they don't know what he's talking about,
"but he's just obsessed with me
"and thinks I'm the sexiest thing on the planet."
Actually, that's really nice because desire
begins up here.
So the number one thing,
if you need your partner to find you desirable,
you must also believe you are desirable.
You must believe you are attractive.
You know, a hen party comes from the word henna.
And years ago when girls were getting married
and they hadn't necessarily chosen
the person they were marrying,
the night before the wedding,
the women would put henna all over their hands
and arms and oil their hair and make them feel so gorgeous,
so desirable that they could then
be interested in having sex.
Apparently the emperors in China
could only rule as long as they were sexually active.
And they used to find young women for them
who weren't really interested in this old guy,
but they would again oil them, perfume,
make them believe they were utterly beautiful
so that the more they felt desireable,
the more they could do what they were going to do.
We didn't have to have sex with people
We don't want to have sex with,
but we do have to feel desirable.
If you find that your partner doesn't desire you,
here's the number one mistake you make.
'What's wrong with me?'
'Why don't they find me attractive?'
'What am I doing wrong?'
'I need to lose weight.'
'I need to go to the salon.'
'I need to up my game.'
You really don't.
You really need to believe that you are
deeply, erotically sexy.
You need to keep saying,
'I am so sexy,
'I am so attractive'.
You might think, 'but that's not true',
but I promise you,
I have clients coming into my office telling me,
"Oh my God, my wife's a goddess."
"My boyfriend looks like a rock star."
"My partner is the sexiest thing I've ever seen."
And when I meet them,
I'm always shocked.
But then I stopped being shocked
and realized that, that's what they see.
Intimacy means into me, you see.
If you want to have a great sex life with your partner,
you have to start believing that you are deeply,
powerfully, magnetically desirable.
Say over and over again,
'I am sexy,
'I am sensual, I'm desirable.
'I'm erotic, I'm attractive.
'My partner finds me so sexy'.
Keep saying it,
keep saying it and remember,
this is a great truth.
Your mind never knows if what you are telling it
is right or wrong,
true or false, helpful or not.
It simply believes it.
It doesn't know
and it doesn't care,
if what you're telling it is right or wrong.
It just lets it in.
And I have met many women who were very ordinary,
and partners who were absolutely wild about them.
I've met so many ordinary looking guys
with big tummies,
bald hair whose wives found them deeply, deeply attractive.
You can be attractive.
It is not your partner's job to make you feel desirable
and I can hear you say, 'no, yes it is, it is!'
Honestly, it is your job
to make yourself feel desirable.
That's why when women have their legs waxed
or a blow-dry they go,
"Oh, I feel more attractive now."
Something has happened to make you feel more attractive.
You wear a nice gown,
buy some sexy underwear
and you feel attractive,
but it's still you,
that session at the spa
made you feel attractive.
But you can make yourself feel attractive.
So the number one thing you must do
to feel desirable
is to take responsibility for how desirable you are.
Yes, having a leg wax
and a shiny all body and a gym fit body
and beautiful clothes and perfume can make you feel good.
But you could feel like that anyway.
And many of my clients who are indeed so beautiful
get left for women who are not beautiful,
but have this belief that they're magnetically sexy.
So take control,
take back your power,
tell yourself every day 'I'm sexy,
'I'm hot and amazing'.
And if you believe that
you can reawaken that response in your partner too.
You see, when you're with somebody for a long time,
desire and intimacy are very hard to keep together,
the longer you're with someone,
the more you become the same.
We two are one.
We are like best friends.
But for a relationship to survive and thrive,
you need best friend chemistry.
You need sexual chemistry.
You need to respect and admire the other person
and you do need to make an effort.
You need to make an effort to keep that passion going.
So don't go home and go,
'Right, well, he never touches me'.
'She never touches me.'
'They don't make any effort.'
'They don't try.'
'They don't desire me.'
You have to reignite that.
Don't wait for someone to touch you, touch them.
Watch an exciting erotic movie.
Do something that will reignite
your desire for each other.
So what an erotic sex life requires
is drama, edginess, mystery, suspense, even naughtiness.
And what intimacy requires
is a deep understanding.
And here's something that I've always found fascinating.
The more you have sex or intimate you become.
So some people need
sex to feel intimate
and other people say,
"No, I need intimacy.
"I cannot have sex
"until I feel really intimate."
And others say, "But I need the intimacy to have sex."
So maybe your partner needs more intimacy
to have sex and maybe you need more sex
to have intimacy.
How are you going to work that out?
Well only you can answer that.
But that's something you have to really factor in.
One of my clients said,
"My husband always goes to bed in pajamas,
"except when he wants sex.
"And then he comes into the bedroom
"with just the top on, no bottoms.
"It's so un-erotic.
"It just turns my stomach.
"It's like, Oh my God, that's not exciting."
Another client said,
"Every Saturday morning we have sex
"and then we go and do a food shop.
"And we always have sex in the bed
"in the same position.
"It's really boring."
Intimacy needs edginess, uncertainty.
So if you feel your partner doesn't desire you,
don't wait until you get into bed.
Have sex on the sofa,
have sex in the car,
have sex in the garage.
Join them in the shower,
get into the bath, light some candles.
Do something, anything to reawaken the flame,
because remember they found you very sexy once
and the sexiness that they found in you, hasn't gone.
No one took it away.
You've just submerged it often
into being a parent.
You see, when we have sex,
we make oxytocin, the love hormone,
the bonding hormone.
And many women get exactly that same hormone,
when they nurse a baby.
They love their partner,
but then nursing a baby,
raising a baby,
they look at the baby,
the baby looks back, the oxytocin level goes up
and they lose interest in their partner.
They lose desire.
But the great thing is it can come back like that.
So look at your part, you're playing in your partner
not desiring you.
Have you stopped making an effort?
One of my clients said, "my wife comes home
"and she puts on a nightie,
the minute she gets in the house."
And one of his friends had made a joke saying,
"I don't know what you're doing to that girl,
"but every time I come around, she's ready for bed."
And he went, "I know and I freaking hate it."
That's not respectful
to get ready for bed when you come in.
To dress up to go to work,
to look glamorous at work
or nice or wanting to come and take everything off
and put on old sweatpants
and old raggy t-shirt and think it doesn't matter.
It matters, part of respecting another person
is looking nice for them.
And them looking nice for you.
And women often say,
"No, my husband doesn't even shave at the weekends,
"doesn't clean his teeth,
"doesn't put his teeth in.
"He's got an implant and he doesn't wear
"that at the weekend."
And that's disrespectful too.
Respect the other person.
Make an effort and remember, you are responsible
for how desirable you think you are.
If you decide 'I'm desirable, I'm hot.
'What would a desirable person do?
'Oh, they'd wash their hair,
'sprint on a bit of perfume, wear sexy underwear.'
What would a guy do?
Well, he would also make an effort.
And they would go out with this belief,
'I'm so desirable'.
And you can reawaken desire anytime you like.
It's your job
to make yourself desirable
and then your partner will pick it up,
feed it back.
So remember, bring back some edginess,
some drama, some excitement, some mystery, some suspense.
Don't be mommy, don't be daddy,
don't be parent, don't be housewife.
Don't be the person who is cleaning, cooking.
One of my clients said,
"Before I go to bed at night,
"I plump all the cushions,
"I put bleach down the toilets.
"I usually mop the kitchen floor
"and then I clean all the counters."
I'm like, "What, did you do that when you were dating?"
She'd go, "No, no, I can't go to bed till the dishes are done.
"I can't go to bed till I've bleached the toilets.
"I can't go to bed until I've cleaned the countertops,
"loaded the dishwasher."
In the beginning, you never did that.
You didn't care
if the dishes were dirty.
You were having such a great time in bed.
You didn't even care about the dust underneath it.
So remember, sometimes you are contributing
to being a passion killer
by making the cleaning of the house
more important than what's going on between the sheets.
Don't do that.
I hope this helps you and if you want to hear more,
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and share this with your friends.
We can all feel incredibly desirable.
It's a great thing.
It doesn't go away with age.
It's nothing to do with how old you are,
how much you weigh.
It's to do with what is going on up here.
Desire, sexiness, begins in your mind.
It's your mind, use it.
Reignite your own desirability factor,
and your partner will follow you, I promise.
I know it because I've seen it all the time.
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See you soon.