WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
LAST NIGHT WAS A MONUMENTAL ELECTION THAT FUNDAMENTALLY
SHIFTS THE BALANCE OF POWER IN WASHINGTON, D.C. FOR YEARS TO
COME, AND AND IT IS NOT THE TOP STORY, BECAUSE THIS MORNING,
TRUMP FIRED HIS ATTORNEY GENERAL, JEFF SESSIONS, SEEN
HERE ON HIS HAPPIEST DAY AT THE JOB.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "MY GOD, WHAT HAVE I BECOME?"
( LAUGHTER )
BEFORE WE KNEW HE DONE DID IT, ONE OUR GUEST TONIGHT, MAJOR
GARRET, FROM CBS, ASKED DONALD TRUMP THIS:
>> CAN YOU GIVE US CLARITY, SIR, ON YOUR THINKING CURRENTLY, NOW,
AFTER THE MIDTERMS, ABOUT YOUR ATTORNEY GENERAL AND YOUR DEPUTY
ATTORNEY GENERAL?
DO THEY HAVE LONG-TERM SECURITY?
>> I'D RATHER ANSWER THAT AT...
A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT TIME.
>> Stephen (AS TRUMP): " A LITTLE BIT LATER, BECAUSE
RIGHT NOW, I'M HAVING A HARD TIME HEARING ANY OF THESE
QUESTIONS OVER THE LOUD BEATING HEART OF JEFF SESSIONS HIDDEN
UNDER MY FLOORBOARDS OKAY.
A LITTLE TROUBLE STUFFING THE LITTLE GUY DOWN THERE.
GET, GET DOWN!
GET!
I CAN-- YOU'VE GOT TO BE ABLE TO HEAR IT."
>> Jon: LOW KEY.
>> Stephen: NOW, THERE IS SOME CONFUSION AMONG STUPID PEOPLE AS
TO WHETHER SESSIONS WAS FIRED OR HE RESIGNED.
HE DID SUBMIT A LETTER OF RESIGNATION, BUT IT BEGAN, "AT
YOUR REQUEST, I AM SUBMITTING MY RESIGNATION."
( LAUGHTER )
SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY UNTIL THE END.
( AS SESSIONS):
I AM GOING TO SIT ON IT AND SPIN."
( LAUGHTER )
IS EXACTLY A HUGE SHOCK.
FOR OVER A YEAR NOW, TRUMP HAS BLAMED SESSIONS FOR RECUSING
HIMSELF FROM OVERSEEING THE RUSSIA INVESTIGATION, WHICH LED
TO THE APPOINTMENT OF SPECIAL COUNSEL ROBERT MUELLER.
YOU CAN'T BLAME SESSIONS FOR RECUSING HIMSELF.
IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT'S GOOD THAT HE'S EVER DONE.
THAT'S LIKE HATING LOU BEGA FOR "MAMBO NO. 5."
THE ENTIRETY OF THE SONG I KNOW.
AND TRUMP HAS MADE NO SECRET OF HIS FEELINGS ABOUT SESSIONS.
HE'S CALLED JEFF SESSIONS A "TRAITOR," "A DUMB SOUTHERNER,"
"MR. MAGOO," AND, MOST HUMILIATING OF ALL, "MEMBER OF
MY ADMINISTRATION."
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
GOING TO DO NEXT.
I ASSUME HE'S GOING TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH HIS FAMILY-
SEPARATION POLICY.
( LAUGHTER )
FAREWELL.
SO, PLEASE WELCOME, FOR THE LAST TIME, THE OUTGOING ATTORNEY
GENERAL OF THE UNITED STATES, MR. JEFF SESSIONS.
>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU, STEPHEN.
THANK YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
I THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, STEPHEN, FOR THIS OPPORTUNITY TO BE WELCOMED
ANYWHERE.
IT IS WITH A HEAVY HEART AND A CREAM FILLING THAT I BID YOU ALL
A FOND ADIEU AND ONE FINAL "I DO NOT RECALL."
I HUMBLY REQUEST MY SEVERANCE PAY IN SWEET TEA AND CONFEDERATE
DOLLARS.
AND WHILE MY SERVICE WAS CUT SHORT IN AN UNTIMELY MANNER,
WELL, THAT'S JUST THE WAY MY COOKIE CRUMBLES.
PLEASE FEED ME TO SEAGULLS ON THE BANKS OF MOBILE BAY!
GOODBYE FOREVER.
DO IT, STEPHEN!
DO IT!" DO IT!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OF COURSE, WHOEVER REPLACES JEFF SESSIONS HAS BIG TINY SHOES TO
FILL, BECAUSE THAT PERSON WILL NOW OVERSEE, INSTANTLY, AS SOON
AS THEY'RE APPOINTED, OVERSEE THE MUELLER INVESTIGATION.
NOW, WE HAVEN'T HEARD MUCH FROM MUELLER LATELY BECAUSE HE RIGGED
FOR SILENT RUNNING BEFORE THE MIDTERMS.
BUT THEY'RE OVER, AND REPORTEDLY, DON JUNIOR HAS TOLD
FRIENDS RECENTLY THAT HE BELIEVES HE COULD BE INDICTED.
( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S TRUE.
IF THAT'S TRUE-- >> Jon: HE'S COMING FOR HIM.
>> Stephen: IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME UNTIL DONALD TRUMP
DISTANCES HIMSELF FROM HIS SON.
(AS TRUMP) "WHO YOU TALKING ABOUT?
DANEL GLUMP?
I'VE NEVER HEARD THAT NAME IN MY LIFE.
BUT I THINK HE GOT COFFEE FOR US."
BUT WHO WOULD BE WILLING TO GO DOWN IN HISTORY AS THE MAN WHO
FIRED ROBERT MUELLER?
ENTER NEW ACTING ATTORNEY GENERAL AND CAUCASIAN M&M, MATT
WHITAKER.
NOW, THERE IS NO WAY TO KNOW WHITAKER'S STANCE ON THE MUELLER
INVESTIGATION-- UNLESS YOU READ HIS OP-ED-- "MUELLER'S
INVESTIGATION OF TRUMP IS GOING TOO FAR"-- IN WHICH WHITAKER
WROTE THAT IF MUELLER LOOKED INTO TRUMP'S FINANCES, IT COULD
BE DAMAGING TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, AND BY
EXTENSION, TO THE COUNTRY.
AND BY "THE COUNTRY," OF COURSE, HE MEANS RUSSIA.
( LAUGHTER )
ONE ASSUMES.
( APPLAUSE )
I SOME RESIDUAL ATTORNEY GENERAL ON MY HAND.
( LAUGHTER )
ACTING ATTORNEY GENERAL WHITAKER EXPLAINED HOW THE PRESIDENT
COULD BEST OBSTRUCT THE MUELLER PROBE.
>> AND, REALLY, I THINK WHAT, ULTIMATELY, THE PRESIDENT IS
GOING TO START DOING IS PUTTING PRESSURE ON ROD ROSENSTEIN-- WHO
IS IN CHARGE OF THIS INVESTIGATION, IS ACTING
ATTORNEY GENERAL-- AND REALLY TRY TO GET ROD TO MAYBE EVEN CUT
THE BUDGET OF BOB MUELLER.
>> Stephen: GOOD POINT.
TRUMP COULD TAKE ALL THE MONEY AWAY FROM BOB MUELLER.
AND, JUST OUT OF HABIT, GIVE IT TO A PORN STAR.
( LAUGHTER )
SO TRUMP JUST HAND-PICKED A GUY WHO WANTS TO STOP THE
INVESTIGATION INTO DONALD TRUMP INVESTIGATION OF DONALD TRUMP.
THAT'S LIKE A DEFENDANT AT A MURDER TRIAL SAYING, "YOUR
HONOR, YOU'RE FIRED.
I'M GOING TO HAVE MY FRIEND TERRY TAKE YOUR SEAT.
NOW, THEN, TERRY, IF IT PLEASE THE COURT, DID YOU THROW THAT
KNIFE INTO THE RIVER LIKE I ASKED?
THE CORRECT ANSWER IS NO."
AND IF ALL THAT'S NOT UNSETTLING ENOUGH-- AND IT IS-- LAST YEAR,
WHITAKER ALSO RETWEETED AN ARTICLE TITLED,
"NOTE TO TRUMP'S LAWYER: DO NOT COOPERATE WITH THE MUELLER LYNCH
MOB."
THAT'S GOING TO BE AN AWKWARD FIRST DAY ON THE JOB.
"HEY, BOB, I'M YOUR NEW BOSS, LET ME KNOW IF YOU NEED ANY HELP
WITH THE WITCH HUNTING AND MOB LYNCHING.
BY THE WAY, I'LL TAKE THAT STACK OF INDICTMENTS.
THEY'RE NOT IN THE BUDGET ANYMORE."