How long until your ex wants you back? That's what we're going to be talking about in this video. But
first, my name is clay with modernlove.life where we help you get the great loving relationship
that you're looking for without having to play mind games, without having to play hard to get,
and without having to pretend to be someone or something that you're not because you deserve to
be loved for the unique, amazing, and wonderful person that you are. If you agree with me,
hit that thumbs up button, if you liked this video. Also,
feel free to subscribe to the channel as well too. Now, we are talking about timeframes and all of
that, and people do have this faulty belief, in my opinion, that no contact is what they always need
to do and it's the only tool that they have at their disposal. So if you want to learn more about
how to get your ex back without necessarily using no contact, there is a time and place for it, but
I don't think it makes sense all the time and I don't think it makes sense for everyone.
But if you do want to learn how to get your ex back without just using a no contact,
check out our course down below called the ex solution program, okay? It walks you through
what we call advanced relational skills that help you to navigate your ex's emotional world
and reconnect with them to create a new possibility for the two of you to have a great,
wonderful relationship together. Anyway, link for that is down below in the description.
So, yeah, let's talk about timeframes. How long until your ex misses you? I've heard that there
are some people out there that say that it takes 30 days. That's why I do 30 days of no contact. Or
that say a certain, I don't know, experiments on lab rats or something say that it's 45 days.
At that point they'll hit like peak missing you qualities or something like that. But it's not
really the case. It's not just a matter of waiting a certain period of time or
a certain stretch of time and then they're going to reach out to you, crawl back over
broken shards of glass or anything like that. Case in point, we've been here in this new house
that we got for about a month and a half, I guess it's been about two months now at this point.
But I have not missed anything about my older life. I've not missed being cramped up in that
little place that we had in the city because of the lockdowns and everything.
I do not miss all that stuff whatsoever. I actually really love it here. There's more space.
There's more fresh air. There's natures, there's all of that stuff. So that begs into consideration
why is that? How come I'm not like agonizing for the past because I'm supposedly at this peak
missing threshold right now? The reason for that is because I did not like the previous place that
we lived. I did not like what it had become. It was a great place, originally, but 2020 happened
and other things that were happening locally that weren't so great were happening as well, too.
So it just was like, "Okay, we got to get here." When you think about your relationship, you have
to think about it the same way. Is there something that your ex is going to actually miss about it?
Is there some reason for them to actually look back and say, "Yeah, that was really great."
However long it takes a week, two weeks, 30 days, 45 days, six months or whatever,
is there a reason for them to look back and say, "Yeah, I really miss that. That was a really
wonderful time together and I'm really glad that we were together. You know what, I miss connecting
with you. Let me pick up this phone and contact you"? Is there a reason for them to do that?
Or are they just so hurt by what happened? Are they so frustrated by what happened? Are they so
dissatisfied with what was happening between the two of you that they got up and left and they're
like, "Thank goodness I'm out of that situation"? If they are in one of those thank goodness I'm out
of that situation sort of mindsets, then just waiting indefinitely is not going to help you,
okay? It's really not. Just like how there's nothing that's going to make me want to
go back to the Ballard neighborhood in Seattle. There's just nothing. Some major, significant
structural changes need to take place in Seattle for me to actually want to
live there again. You got to think about these sorts of things. We need to look at ourselves
when it comes to that. It's like, okay, when our ex thinks about us, are they just going to miss us
for the sake of missing us because time has passed or are they going to look back and say, "Okay,
there are going to have to be some major structural changes to us or how we relate to one
another or something like that before I even ever give the idea of us getting back together, another
shot, consideration, anything like that." So if you're like most people it's like, "Okay,
yeah, our relationship had some problems. Maybe I wasn't the best person in it. Maybe I could have
been more attentive or more thoughtful or more whatever." So it's like, okay, if that's the case,
then you have to do something beyond just no contact. That's one of my big frustrations
about what other folks are saying online is that they say, "Just do no contact. No contact always
works. Trust the plan," and all that stuff. It's like, "Ah, not all the time." What you want to do
is you don't want to just put on your blinders and just follow some sort of one size fits all
strategy. What you want to do is you want to actually feel into the situation and say,
"Okay, is there something to miss here?" Is it like, "Okay, this is a great house
that we love." Maybe you go on a vacation or something and you're like, "Oh, I start to miss
being home." Or is it like, "Wow, thank goodness. I'm out of that place. That place was terrible."
We need to start thinking about this and we need to say, "Okay, well, based off of where I think
my ex is emotionally, I think that they might need us to demonstrate some change. I think they
might need us to connect with them a little bit better. I think they might need us to give them
a good reason for wanting to come back into the relationship aside from just time has passed."
So what you want to do is you want to address the core underlying emotional reason why the
two of you aren't in a relationship right now. When I'm on coaching calls with people,
that's really what I'm listening for. We go through the beginning part of the call and
I just basically get the history of their relationship and learn what's going on. Basically,
I'm listening for what's happening on the emotional level. I'm like, "Okay, where is
there like that emotional tangle and how can we actually start to unravel that to create a clear
path for the two of you to connect emotionally?" Many times it does involve building more of an
emotional foundation, involves demonstrating that this isn't the same dynamic that didn't
work before, involves making some sort of personal change in your life to give them a good reason for
coming back to you. Then once those things are in place, then it can make sense to talk about
the strategies of text messages and say this, don't say that and all that. But you really have
to look at what sort of motive would your ex have to miss you. It's not just a matter of time. It's
not just a matter of, okay, it's going to take, tick-tock, 45 days and then some like biological
science kicks in and suddenly they're going to want to come back. No, I mean, you got to think
about this logically, okay? It's not like everyone is programmed the same way. It's not like everyone
is going through the same breakup. It's not like everyone is in the exact same situation.
People are going to respond to a breakup differently based off of their own values,
based off of what sort of situation they were in when they were together,
based off of how they feel now that they're out of that situation. Are they feeling
happy and relieved? Are they feeling like, "Oh my goodness. Did I make the wrong choice"? Are they
feeling like the grass is greener sort of thing? Or it's like, "Oh yeah, I'm in the relationship.
Wouldn't it be better if I was over here? Oh, wait, now I'm over here. Wouldn't it be better
if I was in the relationship?" What could be going on with them? We can't just put a one size fits
all approach on all of this and just say, "Always do no contacts. Turn your brain off. Just don't
contact your ex until they crawl over these broken shards of glass that you have conveniently strewn
over your welcome mat outside your front door." You got to actually think about what's important
to them, where are they at emotionally, and how can you actually connect with them emotionally
to the point that you can give them a very, very, very good reason for actually wanting to
get closer to you, to spend more time with you, and to potentially even explore what a future
together with you might look like. But anyway, that's my answer to that. It doesn't matter a
specific amount of time that it takes for them to miss you. It matters whether or not they have a
good reason to miss you, whether or not there is an emotional connection there for them to miss.
It's not just a matter of time. It's about the emotional connection. That's why I say so many
times, the most important thing that you can focus on is the emotional connection. This is a choice
that your ex is going to make emotionally. So you have to focus on the emotional connection.
This is not a choice your ex is just going to make because time has passed. If it was
a time-based choice, then yeah, it would make sense to focus on time. But this isn't about
time. This is about an emotional connection. It's what relationships are about, right?
So you want to focus on the emotional connection. By the way, if you do want to learn more about how
to connect more emotionally with your ex, we do have our course called the ex solution program.
You can find information on that down below in the description box. But anyway, thanks so much
for watching this. I hope you found it helpful. I hope you found my little rants useful. If you did,
please hit that thumbs up button. If you want to learn more about how to connect with
your ex emotionally, please check out this video series over here. Or you might want to check out
this video right here. Thank you so much. Please take care. I'll talk to you next time.