(Cracked jingle)
(scientific music)
- Hey, did you hear?
NASA found a whole bunch of new planets,
just a big mess of 'em hanging out there,
like it wasn't a big deal, like we wouldn't find out.
- Bunch of big, sweaty space-rocks,
probably teeming with alien life?
You'd have to be an alien to be excited about that.
- I'm not an alien,
and the thing I read doesn't even mention aliens,
just the planets, but even if they did,
why would that be a bad thing?
Finding extraterrestrial life has been the primary
unspoken goal of the space program since its inception.
- God damn eggheads!
How come those reckless stargazing fools at NASA
never bother to include how delicious we are
in any of their equations?
- Because they don't know how delicious we are?
Do you know how delicious we are?
- Earthlings are the tastiest morsels in the stellarverse,
we all know this, instinctively.
Why do you think every movie we've ever made about aliens
is about how much they want to eat us?
- Come on.
Not all movie aliens want to eat us.
I mean, sure, I'll give you the Predator and the Thing
and the Body Snatchers, but E.T., that cute little (bleep),
he didn't want to eat us.
He forms a psychic bond with Elliot.
He heals Elliot's finger.
Why would he do that if he wanted to eat him?
- Because the psychic link is how E.T.s enslave their prey.
Elliot gets inconsolably upset over every negative feeling
that E.T. experiences,
to the point where they become Elliot's primary concern.
- [Daniel] He does get Elliot psychically drunk at school,
and then turns him into an eco-terrorist
and burgeoning sex offender.
- E.T. never has Elliot's best interests in mind.
He keeps sending him into danger
every time he gets a wild hair up his whatever
E.T.s have instead of butts.
- See, I like to think that they (bleep) out of their eyes,
or the nipples.
Does E.T. has nipples?
I'm sure there's a deleted scene or a featurette about
E.T.'s nipples and (bleep)
- Anyway, if E.T.'s people hadn't come back to pick him up,
Elliot would have become a complete slave
to fulfilling all of his needs, including feeding it,
and since we know E.T. can repair damaged flesh
with his star magic, that means taking big, meaty bites
out of Elliot, and then wishing him back together again
in an endless circle, for all of eternity.
- But, but he goes the whole movie not trying to eat Elliot.
Why would he suddenly start?
- I don't know.
Maybe he didn't know he was able to.
I mean, E.T. was a stupid alien.
His people don't make any immediate effort to swing back
around and pick him up, probably because they assumed
he was already lying face down in a creek
like a dried up cat turd
'cause he was too dumb to eat the child beef
he needed to stay alive.
- Okay, fine.
I'll give you E.T., but what about Flight of the Navigator?
A fun-loving, Pee Wee sounding alien takes a kid
on a fun joyride on a spaceship.
- To an alternate future where his family has aged
eight years, combing the forest for his dead body,
and sure, the alien takes the kid back to the moment in time
when he was abducted, but that alternate future still exists
and now it's full of sweet, disposable human meat.
- So your argument is that
the Flight of the Navigator aliens are abducting people
to create an alternate timeline,
and then returning those people to their original timeline
just so they, the aliens, can eat people
in the alternate timeline?
- Yep.
That's why everyone in Flight of the Navigators is
inexplicably afraid of blimps and water towers.
- Hey!
- 'Cause having memories echoes of a fractured timeline
in which they were abducted by aliens.
- What about Batteries Not Included?
- Bunch of space robots turn a skid row tenement
into a food stock nest for their biomechanical offspring?
What about it?
- No, the robots help the old people
with their restaurant.
They fix it.
- Eh, that's about as benevolent a gesture
as a DMV computer renewing Billy Joel's driver license.
See the aliens need metal and electricity
to create their young, which they find in abundance
in this tenement building.
So they turn it into a nest,
and keep all the renters pacified.
It's kind of like when wasps stuff their hives
full of live spiders.
Those little go-bots are absolutely gonna eat Jessica Tandy
when the time is right.
- I feel like there's a definite flaw
in the way you're interpreting the film,
but I don't care enough to dispute you.
What about Cocoon?
Those aliens take an entire retirement community
of old people to live in space with them forever
with the help of an improbably muscular Steve Guttenberg.
- We don't know if the force of Guttenberg's power
was on full display in that film,
but no!
The aliens in Cocoon are energy vampires.
See, Brian Dennehy sets up shop next to a nursing home,
so he channel the life force of all those dwindling souls
into a swimming pool to recharge his buddies
without raising too much suspicion
because nobody bats an eyestalk when old people die
in a rest home.
Then Wilford Brimley and his friends
screw the whole thing up, and Dennehy's pals die.
Why would he reward them for that?
No, he's bringing those old folks to space with him
so he has some husks to drain on the ride back.
- What about Starman?
He's definitely a good guy, right?
- Starman comes down to earth
disguised as Karen Allen's dead husband.
I mean, he's already a (bleep)head
for preying on human grief,
just like that (bleep)ing monster at the end of Contact.
Plus Starman becomes obsessed with eating.
It's the very last thing he lists,
in the list of things he's gonna miss about the Earth,
and earlier in the film, he specifically asks
if people eat people?
- Do people eat people?
- Ergo, he's eventually gonna come back to Earth
with all of his people for the great feast.
It's an evil movie.
- I think you're just scared of aliens.
- The Abyss is about aliens scaring the planet
into disarming its nuclear weapons
so they storm by the ocean and eat us.
- Arrival.
- The aliens are teaching us a language to unite the planet
so that we're still around as a food source in 3,000 years
to save them from an extinction-level famine.
I mean, they're giant squids.
Of course they're gonna eat us.
They're just gonna do it like, way in the future.
- Close Encounters.
- The aliens are kidnapping breed humans
for an intergalactic Earthling ranch.
They have to rotate their stock every now and then
so the meat doesn't get all inbred and diseased.
They're only bringing Richard Dreyfuss into space
so he can (bleep), and they're only letting him (bleep)
so they can eat his babies.
- You realize that no part of anything that you've said
is implied in any of these movies?
- I know, it's chilling.
- No, I mean, this whole aliens are gonna eat us thing,
that's all in your head.
I mean, look at you.
Your skin's all tight, and your muscles are all stringy.
How much time are you spending thinking about this,
obsessing over it?
Are you sleeping?
- No, no, not really.
- No, you don't look like it.
You don't look like you're eating either.
Here, made you a sandwich.
- Oh.
Thanks. - Yeah, eat it.
Maybe take a walk or something.
Burn off all that sour adrenaline.
You know what they say, too much fear spoils the meat,
spoils the soul, spoils the human soul.
- Is this butter?
- Hmm, is it?
I can't.
- I think it's butter.
- I can't hear what you're saying.
Take a few more bites.
- No, I think it's still butter.
- [Spokesman] Yeah!