Hey everyone,
Welcome to another installment of Mythology Explained. In today’s video, we’re going
to be discussing the Greek God Priapus. Before we dive into this I feel as though the elephant
in the room needs to be addressed - or rather the anaconda in the room. Yes, that second
one seems most appropriate. You would think that, applying your contemporary prism to
the issue, that Priapus, being the well-endowed god that he was, probably did pretty well
with the ladies. But you see, his massive organ wasn’t a genetic gift. Rather, it
was but one symptom of a very permanent and very encompassing curse. Yes, his appearance
was overflowing with more virility than a stampede of marauding centaurs. But when it
came to it, he became, shall we say, deflated. He was cursed with Impotence. However, because
he was also cursed with an everlasting, throbbing erection, his penis only lost its vigor, and
drooped like a wilted stalk during moments of intimacy.
A well known instance in which Priapus is stricken with flaccidity is during his attempted
rape of the goddess Hestia. Priapus came upon her while she was sleeping, but before he
could consummate his surprise attack, the loud braying of a donkey took the wind out
of his sails. With his rape thwarted, as every attempt at intercourse was or will be, the
incident left Priapus with a lasting hatred of donkeys. Because of this, those who sought
to garner favour with the god sacrificed donkeys, knowing that killing them in the god’s honor
would bring Priapus pleasure.
The most interesting telling of Priapus’ myth has him cursed by Hera while he’s nothing
more than a helpless fetus in Aphrodite’s womb. Hera cursed him with an impish and lecherous
mind, an unwieldy, ever-erect phallus cursed with impotence, and, for good measure, an
all around homely and misshapen look. I mean, this is the same person that sent snakes to
strangle an infant Hercules while he slept, so pulling out all the stops to exact revenge
against something prenatal really shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise.
Under normal circumstances, you would think to yourself, “wow. This is an abominable
curse of unsurpassed wickedness. She must have a really good reason for unleashing it
on a complete innocent.”
But then you realized this is Hera we’re talking about, and while much of her ire is
righteous indignation that blazed into existence from Zeus’ innumerable infidelities, she’s
also vicious, vindictive, and perfectly capable of wanton cruelty for nothing more than minor
slights, like the one I’m about to expound on. To understand why Hera cursed Priapus,
you must look to what started the Trojan war.
There was a divine party. All the Greek gods were in attendance. A kerfuffle at the door
led to Eris, the goddess of discord, being turned around. But before departing, Eris
lobbed her gift into the mix where all the gods were hobnobbing. Her gift, a golden apple
inscribed with the words, “to the fairest”, was claimed by three goddesses, Hera, Athena,
and Aphrodite, who all quibbled, each one asserting that she was the most beautiful.
To have the matter adjudicated, it was brought before Paris who was chosen to act as arbiter
and proclaim which of the three was the greatest beauty. Each of the goddesses sought to entice
him, offering him bribes, but it was Aphrodite’s proposition, which was the love of the most
beautiful woman in all the world, that won out. And from this decision came two events:
the trojan war was started, and Priapus was loaded up with more curses than a voodoo doll
stabbed-full of needles
Things didn’t improve after Priapus was born. The other gods didn’t think he met
local standards, meaning they didn’t like his face, so he was thrown off of Mt. Olympus.
He landed on a hillside where he was found and raised by shepherds.
When he was older, Priapus linked up with Pan, the god of the wilds, shepherds, and
flocks, and a gaggle of cavorting satyrs. And so he capered around, frolicking in the
forest, losing his stiffness at the cusp of penetration, until the end of his days.
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