>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, MY FRIENDS.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT GUEST IS A COMEDIAN WHO YOU'VE
SEEN IN "THE LEAGUE," "FRESH OFF THE BOAT," AND NOW "VEEP."
PLEASE WELCOME PAUL SCHEER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
GLD TO SEE YOU.
>> SO GREAT TO BE HERE.
>> Stephen: NOW, I LOVE "VEEP."
>> IT'S THE BEST SHOW.
>> Stephen: I'M OBSESSED WITH THE SHOW.
I WATCH EVERYTHING.
I WATCH THE SUPER CUTS.
IT MUST BE VERY EXCITING TO BE ON IT.
>> IT'S LIKE A DREAM COME TRUE.
IT'S LIKE WORKING FOR A COMEDY AARON SORKIN, IN THAT EVERYTHING
IS SO TIGHTLY SCRIPT AND THE WORDS SO BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN AND
THE INSULTS ARE SO HARSH.
I LOVE IT.
>> Stephen: YOU LIVE IN LOS ANGELES NOW.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WITH YOUR WIFE, JUNE DIANNE RAYFIELD.
I GOT THE LAST NAME RIGHT, RAYFIELD?
SHE WAS ALSO IN THIS SEASON ON "VEEP."
>> SHE PLAYED THE PAINTER.
>> Stephen: WORK TOGETHER AND SHARE A CAB.
YOU HAVE TWO YOUNG SONS.
AT HOME IS IT COMEDY OR JUST POOP AND "SESAME STREET."
WE ARE THE MOST COMPETITIVE TO MAKE THESE KIDS LAUGH.
I AM DOING A FULL-ON CARROT TOP SHOW.
I UNDERSTAND HOW HARD IT IS TO DO THAT.
>> Stephen: HOW OLD ARE WE TALKING?
>> THREE YEARS OLD AND NINE MONTHS.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A TOUGH AUDIENCE.
NINE MONTHS IS A TOUGH AUDIENCE.
THEY DON'T HAVE OBJECT PERMANENCE.
>> EXACTLY.
( LAUGHTER ) I WOULD SAY THE MOST DEPRESSING
MOMENT, THOUGH, I CAME HOME ONE NIGHT AND I CAUGHT MY WIFE
STEALING ONE OF MY BITS, LIKE, ONE OF MY CLASSIC BITS, WHICH IS
THE RUBBER DUCKY WHO FARTS.
AND IT WORKS GREAT.
THE THREE-YEAR-OLD LOVES IT.
AND I CAUGHT HER DOING "THE RUBBER DUCKY OF FARTS."
AND SHE LOOKED LIKE SHE WAS CAUGHT CHEATING.
AND I WAS LIKE, "YOU STOLE A BIT?
HOW COULD YOU STEAL A BIT?" IT PIT A RIFT IN OUR
RELATIONSHIP.
>> Stephen: HOW DOES THE NINE-MONTH-OLD RESPOND TO THE
RUBBER DUCK FART THING?
>> HE'S NOT THERE YET.
IT'S A LITTLE ABOVE HIM.
HE'S STILL IN THE REGULAR FART, NO RUBBER DUCK IS NEED GLD
THAT'S TOUGH.
YOU HAVE A PODCAST CALLED, "HOW DID THIS GET MAID MEAD?"
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT MAKING?
TWO PEOPLE HAVE HEARD IT.
THAT'S TWO, TWO MORE THAN MY PODCAST.
>> AND THEY'RE THE BEST LISTENERS WE HAVE, TWO TWO,
THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS IT THAT IS BEING MAD?
>> A MOVIE PODCAST, A BAD MOVIE PODCAST, WHERE WE TALK ABOUT BAD
MOVIES THAT ARE SO BAD TATHEY'RE GOOD.
>> Stephen: WITH PEOPLE WHO MADE THEM?
>> NO.
JUST WITH US.
IT'S KIND OF LIKE THE CONVERSATION THAT YOU MIGHT
HAVE, LIKE, AT A DINER AFTER YOU'VE SEEN A BAD MOVIE LIKE,
"YOU CAN BELIEVE THEY DID THAT?
WHY WOULD THAT CHARACTER GO OVER THERE?"
>> Stephen: I HESITATE TO ASK, I HESITATE TO ASK--
>> I THOUGHT THIS MIGHT COME UP.
>> Stephen: BUT HAVE YOU-- I HAVEN'T BEEN IN MANY MOVIES.
YOU HAVE EVER DONE ONE OF THE MOVIES THAT I HAVE BEEN IN?
WE-- WE MIGHT HAVE TALKED A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THE MOVIE "LOVE
GURU."
( LAUGHTER ) WHICH, I WILL SAY, YOU ARE
FANTASTIC IN.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
>> ONE OF THE SHINING MOMENTS OF THE ENTIRE MOVIE.
YOU AND JIM GAFFIGAN, THE DYNAMIC DUO.
AND IT WAS FANTASTIC.
NO, WE DID TALK A LITTLE BIT ABOUT "LOVE GURU."
>> Stephen: I CAN'T EXPLAIN HOW IT GOT MADE, BUT I CAN TELL
YOU HOW I GOT IN IT.
>> HOW DID YOU GET IN IT.
>> Stephen: THE WRITERS' STRIKE WAS ON.
AND THEY SAID, "DO YOU WANT TO BE IN THIS MOVIE?"
AND I SAID, "I ACTUALLY HAVE FREE TIME."
AND THEY SAID, "THERE'S NO SCRIPT.
THE WRITERS' STRIKE IS ON AND WE CAN'T WRITE ANYTHING FOR THE NEW
SCENE."
AND GAFFIGAN AND I IMPROVISED.
>> YOU TWO ARE HILARIOUS IN THAT MOVIE.
I'M NOT MAKING FUN OF ANYONE WHO IS IN A BAD MOVIE.
I HAVE BEEN D.N.A.Y PLENTY OF BAD MOVIES, UNABARBEDLY SO.
I WAS IN A MOVIE WITH EDDIE MURPHY CALLED "MEET DAVE," WHERE
EDDIE MURPHY PLAYED A SPACESHIP AND I WORKED IN HIS BUTT --
>> Stephen: YOU'RE THE LITTLE MAN--
>> IN HIS BUTT.
AND I WAS LIEUTENANT BUTTOCKS.
AND MY LINE WAS, "SIR, WE HAD A GAS LEAK.
IT WAS SILENT, BUT NOT GOOD DEADLY."
CLASSIC, CLASSIC LINE.
>> Stephen: YOUR THREE-YEAR-OLD-- YOUR
THREE-YEAR-OLD WOULD LOVE THAT.
>> ZOOMING RIGHT TO HIM.
SO I DO THE LINE AND I SEE THE DIRECTOR LIKE, "HUH?"
AND I'M LIKE, "THAT'S NOT A GOOD SIGN."
AND HE WAS LIKE, "MORE MILITARY.
"SIR, WE HAVE A GAS LEAK, SILENT, BUT NOT DEADLY."
"QUICKER."
"SIR, WE HAVE A GAS LEAK, SILENT BUT DEADLY."
IT'S NOT A GOOD SIGN WHEN THE DIRECTOR LEAVES THE SET.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS HAPPENING.
AND SOMEBODY CAME OVER TO ME AND WAS LIKE, "HEY, MAN, THIS IS THE
HARDEST PART OF THE JOB BUT WE'RE LETTING YOU GO."
I WAS LIKE, "FIRING ME!" AND HE WAS LIKE, "YEAH, THE
DIRECTOR SAW YOUR HEAD SHOT AND THOUGHT YOU WERE A FAT GUY."
WHICH IS KIND OF LIKE AN INSULT AND A COMPLIMENT AT THE SAME
TIME.
I WAS LIKE, "OKAY."
AND HE'S LIKE -- >> Stephen: FROM THE NECK UP,
YOU REALLY SHOULD WORK OUT.
>> "YOU GOT ONE OF THEM FAT FACES, KID!"
AND HE WAS LIKE, "BUT WE HAVE A NEW ROLE FOR YOU.
GET READY FOR THIS.
YOU'LL NOW BE LIEUTENANT KNEECAP."
AND I WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT."
THEY WROTE THIS PART ON THE DAY, AND GUESS THE WHOLE PREMISE IS
EDDIE MURPHY'S PLANET NEEDS SALT, AND I'M NOW ON THE SHIP
LATER ON, AND THEY PUT A GIANT HOT DOG-- LIKE A GIANT-- LIKE
THE HOT DOG WAS THIS BIG ON MY LAP.
AS TALL AS ME.
AND I ATTACK A BOOIPT OUT OF THE HOT DOG.
AND I GO, "SURE BEATS PROTEIN SQUARES."
IT WAS CUT FROM THE MOVIE.
>> Stephen: SO YOU DID NOT APPEAR.
>> DID NOT APPEAR.
MY SHOULDER APPEARS.
>> Stephen: REALLY NICE.
>> LOOK, IT WASN'T FARKT EITHER.
IT WAS A SKINNY SHOULDER.
>> Stephen: NOW IN "VEEP" YOU PLAY A PRODUCER FOR "CBS THIS
MORNING."
>> YES.
>> Stephen: THE CBS MORNING NEWS SHOW.
DID YOU DO A RIDE-ALONG WITH CHARLIE ROSE.
>> I WAS HIS PANTS WRANGLER FOR YEARS.
I HELD HIS PANTS UP.
TOW I KIND OF BASED THE PRODUCERS, KIND OF LIKE THE
PRODUCERS YOU HAVE ON ANY LIVE SHOW.
>> Stephen: THOSE GUYS THERE.
>> RIGHT OVER HERE.
NO MATTER WHAT IS GOING ON, THEY DON'T CARE.
"LET'S KEEP IT MOVIE.
SOMEONE GOT STABBED?
GREAT.
GREAT STABBING, CAN WE GET THEM AN AMBULANCE.
AND THE NEXT GUEST IS BOBBY FLAY.
GET BOBBY FLAY.
WE'RE BACK!" THAT KIND OF ENERGY.
NO MATTER WHAT WAS HAPPENING IT WAS ALWAYS IN MOTION.
I FEEL LIKE PRODUCERS ARE ALSO IN MOTION.
"WHAT'S GOING ON."
TAPPING FIELD, LIKE A FOOTBALL COACH ON THE FIELD, ""GREAT JOB,
CAMERAMAN, YOU GOT THAT?
GREAT, GOOD."
A LOT OF ENERGY AROUND.
BECAUSE MY CHARACTER ON THE SHOW IS NOT ONLY THE FLOOR DIRECTOR,
A SEGMENT PRODUCER, BUT ALSO RUNS THE SHOW.
SO I REALLY HAVE A LOT OF WEIGHT THERE.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
MY PRODUCER'S GOING, "OKAY, THAT'S GREAT.
CAN WE GET HIM OFF.
WE HAVE TO KEEP GOING.
COMMERCIAL COMING UP."
THANKS.
SO NICE TO MEET YOU.
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.
"VEEP," "VEEP" AIRS SUNDAYS ON HBO.
PAUL SCHEER, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.