- Anything weird that happens here
can be explained away by science.
- [Ghost] Excuse me.
(wind blowing)
- I didn't say I know what the science is.
- Oh, wow. Look at these decorations.
They even have paper bats hanging from the ceiling.
Those are real.
(ENFP screaming)
Hey, guys, check out these fake spiders.
(ENFP screaming)
Wow. Check out this fake dead body.
Guys?
- Pfft, there's no such thing as ghosts.
- Um, excuse me. Are you denying my very existence?
Because it would seem to me that
there is such thing as a ghost.
- Yep. I didn't hear anything just now.
No such thing as ghosts?
- Oh, no, you didn't.
- I don't wanna impose. Don't mind me.
I didn't come empty-handed. I brought a meatloaf.
No wonder the spirits are restless. This place is a pigsty.
Thank goodness I brought some cleaning supplies.
- Listen up, ghosts.
They call me the closer,
so let me help you wrap up your unfinished business
so we can get your butts to the afterlife
and I can flip this property.
- For any ghosties who may be listening, don't worry.
I'm just here to vibe,
and to get some inspo for my upcoming EP.
(guitar strumming)
Ooh, that's, that's spooky, man.
- I think a lot of people overlook the importance
of showing up to a haunted house dressed in clothes
that you'd be comfortable getting murdered in.
Everybody knows the clothes you get murdered in,
those are the clothes you're gonna wear forever.
I mean, dude, come on.
Do you wanna be the ghost who's in a windbreaker suit?
What are you,
a 70 year old lady going on a walk around the block?
- I just found my old favorite football.
I accidentally threw it into
the backyard here when we were kids.
I can't believe it's still here.
(eerie whooshing sound effect)
Dude, it was a ghost football!
Kind of a metaphor for my dreams
of being a professional athlete.
- Did you know that statistically,
there are more dead people than alive people?
Hmm, maybe it's time for us
to stop being so alive normative.
- I've already stayed at a haunted house once
before so I could claim my inheritance
from my great Aunt Hilda's will.
Yeah, she left me her entire VHS collection.
There are some gems in there, let me tell you.
- My inner disposition remains bereft
of any visceral fear pertaining
to the ethereal manifestations that traverse
the liminal boundaries between our corporeal reality
and the mysterious enigmatic otherworldly domain.
(lightning striking) (ENTP gasping)
Okay, nevermind.
♪ I met a girl ♪
♪ And I fell in love with her ♪
♪ But she was a ghost. ♪
(guitar strumming)
- Hey, I'm really sorry, but you've gotta leave.
Boo. You totally flinched.
- Wow. This house sure is silent and free of ghosts.
- Okay, you really wanna play this game?
- I'm so bored, I think I'll go to sleep.
- Oh, you about to get wrecked, son!
(human sighing)
- What do you mean you won't deliver
to the haunted house on the hill?
Are your delivery people, babies?
Look, you get a pepperoni pie up here in 30,
or I will crap all over you on Yelp?
- Yo. Can I get a pineapple pizza?
- I'm sorry.
A ghost just appeared and asked me
the most appalling question I've heard all day.
- Stop judging me over my pizza topping
preference. - You know, if you weren't
already dead. - What?
Are gonna kill me
over a topping? - Maybe I would.
- Oh, I'm so sure.
You're ridiculous, man. - Okay, I'm not
the ridiculous one here.
Hello?
Great, they hung up on me! - You get what you deserve.
(human and ghost grumbling)
- Being a ghost must be terrible.
You're stuck in a house, unable to go outside.
(somber piano music)
I mean, that's sort of my life also,
but I have the option to go outside if I felt like it.
- Uh, I didn't see one ghost all night.
Now, some people might say, oh,
that means the house isn't really haunted.
No, no, no. It's haunted by rude ghosts.
They knew I was here,
but could they be bothered to come out and just say hello?
No.
(eerie music) (wind blowing)
(clock ticking)
(glass shattering) (ghost groaning)
(ghost thudding)
(grandfather clock tolling)
(ghost groaning) (grandfather clock tolling)
- Morning already. Surprise, surprise, no ghosts.
- I hope there really is a ghost in here
because that would be better than being stuck alone
with my thoughts all night,
which for me is every night.
(eerie music)
- Hmm, almost sunrise and no ghosts.
I guess I'll leave now that I've verified
that ghosts don't exist.
(ghost shouting) (ghost thudding)
- Got you! You totally freaked out!
- No.
- Who are you talking to?
- Okay, ghosts are real.
- Yes! Alright, let's go!
(ghost laughing)
In your face!
I'm real. I'm real.
It's my birthday. It's my birthday.
♪ A stranger's come to town ♪
♪ They call him Mr. Frank James ♪