All right.
So we are here in New York City.
And today was one for the history books.
Because when today began, we were preparing
for the craziest day in New York
since the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man came to town
and busted a nut on the whole city.
[laughter]
That wasn't marshmallows.
But today was even crazier because today
was Trump arraignment day.
ANNOUNCER: This is breaking news.
REPORTER: In a remarkable chapter of American history,
for the first time, a former president
faced a judge in a criminal courtroom
on charges he broke the law.
And it happened right here in New York City.
Former President Trump pleads not guilty to 34 counts
of falsifying business records related
to hush money payments.
REPORTER: The photograph is stark and historic
as we look at it. Donald Trump--
REPORTER: That's a man who looks like a defendant.
You know, the former president--
I've seen that face not many times.
He looks somber.
Look at you!
Look at your ass now.
They got your ass.
Ain't so tough no more.
[cheering]
Ain't so tough. Huh?
You spent all that money talking shit about the judge.
You talk shit about the DA.
Oh, I'mma march in the courtroom, and I'mma tell
them-- shut your ass up!
[cheering]
Look at-- look at how sad Trump looks.
My man looked like somebody told him his dog died
or that Mike Pence is still alive.
[laughter]
And you can talk all the shit you want.
But I'm telling you, baby, the moment you
in that courtroom, that shit get real.
Trump sitting there-- Trump sitting there like,
wow, y'all really gonna do this to me, huh?
[laughter]
And he alone.
Ain't none of your boys around no more.
You gave them all pardons.
And everybody know you don't pardon all your partners.
You got to leave one in jail so you have somebody to talk to.
[laughter]
And on top of all that, this is how
I know Trump did something.
I don't know what he guilty of, but he did something.
Look at that outfit.
First day of court, he in a suit that don't even fit.
Why would you do that?
Gwyneth Paltrow showed you the cheat code, boy.
You got to dress like you don't give a [bleep]..
You got to dress for court like you on your way
to somewhere else.
Look at Gwyneth Paltrow. (HAUGHTILY)
You can't convict me.
These glasses are Cartier.
[laughter]
Cartier-- is that how you say it?
I don't know.
I can't afford nice glasses.
So as you can imagine, it was a crazy day in New York.
And the city was ready for anything.
Barricades were laid out.
Every police officer was on duty.
Even Mayor Eric Adams said he might not go to the
club tonight.
[laughter]
Just in case y'all need him.
Because, you know, he be in the club.
He got to keep the phone on vibrate.
But call him twice so he know it's an emergency.
And the cops--
I give the NYPD this.
They were right to set up all the barricades.
Trump supporters swarmed downtown Manhattan
and filled the streets with red, white, and blue.
It was like a Puerto Rican Day Parade
for people who want to deport Puerto Ricans.
[laughter]
And to the police's credit-- to the police's credit--
[laughter]
To their credit, they handled it perfectly.
They kept everybody on both sides
far enough apart so nobody got hurt but close
enough so they could still roast
the shit out of each other.
[laughter]
Ah, yes.
Ah, yes, the classics.
Don't nothing win an argument faster than a yo mama.
It hit like a shiv.
Yo mama!
You lose no matter what you say.
Donald Trump is a political prisoner
unfairly targeted by the criminal justice system.
Yo mama, bitch.
Oh!
Oh.
[applause]
That's how it hit you.
You bleed out.
[groans]
But it was a crazy scene downtown.
It was wild.
And one of the people making it crazy
was Marjorie Taylor Greene.
[booing]
Oh, Margaret Taylor Greene.
MTG swung down to the courthouse,
double parked her broomstick, and took
part in the festivities.
And today she offered a defense of the president
that I've never heard before.
President Trump is joining some
of the most incredible people in history
being arrested today.
Nelson Mandela was arrested, served time in prison.
Jesus-- Jesus was arrested.
[laughter]
Jesus?
That-- that's what I'm thinking too.
Like, Jesus, what the hell is wrong with this lady?
How you-- how you gonna compare Donald Trump to Jesus?
First of all, Jesus walked on water.
Donald Trump can barely walk on land.
[laughter]
Now, the crazy thing about all of this today
is that Donald Trump didn't even have to come to New York.
He could have done the whole arraignment at the crib.
Because, apparently, they gave him the option
to be arraigned over Zoom, you know,
like Nelson Mandela and Jesus.
[laughter]
But I get it.
I completely get why Trump didn't do it over Zoom.
One, he'd have got on camera, and they
would have just found more classified
documents in the background.
Two, Trump wants publicity.
Look at how he came out of Trump Tower this morning,
giving the Black Power fist like
a real political prisoner.
He lives for shit like this.
Hell, Trump liable to show up to court
every day dancing on top of a car like Michael Jackson.
[mimics michael jackson]
And the media, man, the media, what they do?
They play right along with it, giving us
wall-to-wall coverage, even when there was absolutely
nothing to talk about.
I will turn to you and show you,
he'll be coming out the side door of Trump Tower there.
So there is a sense of anticipation
that his movement is coming.
REPORTER: You can see some of the traffic
heading northbound there.
And I'm not sure-- I'm not sure.
I can't remember off the top of my head if--
Fifth Avenue is one way, right? It's northbound.
REPORTER: Yes, goes south. REPORTER: I think goes south.
REPORTER: Goes south. - So that's not Fifth Avenue.
REPORTER: I checked Waze just before we came in.
It showed that that was the fastest route.
REPORTER: We expect him to enter through--
and I think that was just him.
John and Jillian, did you guys just see the former president
walk out, or was that just me?
REPORTER: There's Donald Trump right there.
I'm sorry, Abby. We just saw Donald Trump.
REPORTER: Overhearing some radio traffic here.
Could any moment now see the former president
walked through those doors.
REPORTER: So there are many doors into the courtroom.
And it's not just this one door.
There are side doors, and there's a backdoor.
REPORTER: Photographer Evan Shumrak laser
focused on that front door.
REPORTER: And many hallways that lead to each door.
If he does go through those doors,
he will come by the camera.
REPORTER: The judge comes in a different door.
A jury comes in even another door.
A defendant who's incarcerated comes in a different door.
The public comes in the main door.
So there are many doors.
OK, OK, OK.
So let me get this straight.
You're telling me the courthouse has multiple doors.
[laughter]
And different people come through different doors.
And then those doors connect to other doors.
And then those are all the doors.
Hey, man, I'm learning so much about the legal system.
Thank you, cable news.
Now--
[cheering]
There's doors.
Buildings got doors and shit.
You learn stuff.
Now, here's what bothered me about today.
I'll say this.
Donald Trump deserves a fair trial.
But I also want Trump to get the full American
criminal justice experience, which
is not what happened today.
My man got to schedule his visit to the courthouse
like he the cable man.
Trump called the court.
Hey, listen, I'll be down to the jail Tuesday
between 10:00 and 2:00.
Just make sure you get that.
Then once Trump got there, there were no handcuffs.
There were no mug shots.
There were no perp walks.
Well, for Trump, it would be a perp waddle,
but you understand.
You know, that doesn't make the point.
My point is I'm disappointed because today shows you how
humane our courts could be.
So many people get dragged into this legal system,
and it's humiliating.
You get handcuffed.
You get gawked at.
You wait days, sometimes months for an arraignment.
Then you go into a building through one
of those many [bleep] doors.
[laughter]
You get to a room.
They strip you naked.
They spread your ass cheeks.
They make you cough twice, which I never
understood the second cough.
The first cough I get.
One cough is enough to know whether or not
I got drugs in my booty.
The second cough is for you.
That's wrong.
Am I sharing too much with you all right now?
[laughter]
I thought this was--
I thought I could open up to you all.
Apparently not.
My point is for the sake of this country,
I hope that Donald Trump gets a swift trial.
But that doesn't mean he should get
to use the TSA precheck lane.
But here's the good news.
The New York investigation is just one of many
into the former president.
So we'll have plenty of other opportunities
to get him arrested correctly.
So, Georgia-- yeah, plenty more opportunities.
[cheering]
So, state of Georgia, if you're listening, when you finally
get Donald Trump in your courtroom,
make sure he coughs twice.
[cheering]
OK.
Thank you for clapping for that, man.
That was good, but, you know, I don't know if that's
good enough to go viral.
I'm trying to go viral this week, you know?
It's a lot of pressure as guest host.
You know, you've got to be funny.
You got to be satirical.
You got to be powerful.
You got to-- you know, you got to go viral.
And I don't know what to do.
I just wish I had somebody that I
could talk to, to guide me through some
of this stuff, man. DISEMBODIED VOICE: Roy.
Roy Wood.
Roy.
Use the Force, Roy.
Who that? DISEMBODIED VOICE: Roy, use--
Who's that?
DISEMBODIED VOICE: Use the Force, young Padawan.
I don't [bleep] with ghosts, man.
Who that?
Roy, use the Force.
Use the-- use the Force, Roy.
Roy.
Roy, just--
[cheering]
OK.
Use the Force, Roy.
Use the Force.
I know you.
I know him.
I know you.
I knew I knew your ass.
You're Obi-Wan Kenobi.
I'm-- I'm Jon.
Stewart.
I-- I used to work here when the budget wasn't as big.
[laughter]
Few years back, it was--
You worked here? You worked here?
No, I actually--
I actually hosted the program to be honest with you.
The Daily Show had a white host?
Yeah.
[laughter]
Why are you dressed like Obi-Wan Kenobi?
I like to be comfortable.
[laughter]
ROY WOOD, JR.: OK.
Roy, the point is this.
ROY WOOD, JR.: OK.
Donald Trump doesn't define you.
Wait, if you're Obi-Wan Kenobi,
what does that make me?
Because if you're Obi-Wan, that make me Luke Skywalker.
And I don't want to be Luke Skywalker.
No, you're-- why the [bleep] wouldn't you
want to be Luke Skywalker?
Luke Skywalker kissed his sister.
[laughter]
I want to be Han Solo instead.
Han Solo's badass.
Han Solo was cool.
He had the ship.
You can be Chewbacca.
[laughter]
Why would I want to be like a wolf ape?
That doesn't make-- look, I think
it'd make more sense if I were the wise sage who
mentors the young host and not the wolf ape.
Also, I cannot return this robe.
What happened was the events that took place in this--
ROY WOOD, JR.: Yeah, but if you're Obi-Wan--
if you're Obi-Wan, and I'm Luke,
then does that mean my dad is Vader?
Because if my dad is Darth Vader,
does that mean Donald Trump is my dad?
Why?
[laughter]
I'm trying to-- I'm trying.
I know that, Roy.
Why would Donald Trump be your father?
Because if I'm Luke, and Trump is Vader,
that means Trump killed you.
What?
Fine, you're Han Solo.
I'm Baby Yoda.
Fine.
The point is--
Why can't you be regular Yoda?
What the [bleep] are you talking about?
I-- I should have come when Silverman was here,
when Silverman--
listen. - OK.
OK, OK.
[applause]
How about this? How about this?
I want to go along with it.
I want to go along with you on this.
OK, how about you be Yoda because you're
all hobbled and green and shit, and I'll
be Lando for obvious reasons?
[cheering]
I can beat Lando, you know?
Is this a trap?
Yeah, because you're-- you both have--
- Mustaches. - Mustaches!
Yeah, yeah.
Yes!
My point is this, Roy, and thank you
for having me on the program.
The thing about-- and you're doing
a fabulous job, by the way.
ROY WOOD, JR.: Thank you, brother.
The thing about this historic indictment
is that American jurisprudence--
I think we're out of time.
Thank you so much, Grogu--
I mean, Jon Stewart.
Jon Stewart, everybody.