(WHISPERED VOICES, SWIRLING GLITCHING SOUND, HEARTBEAT)
I felt um, anxious. So anxious that I was burning
I was, em... My heart was beating really fast. I couldn't sleep. I got tireder and tireder because
I couldn't sleep. Because I was worrying... It was worry worry. I've let my family down.
Everyone's going to suffer because i'm no good.
Everybody who relied on me, it was a false reliance. I was a fake,
therefore, I worried even more about financial disaster i'd put on my family.
Em so, anxiety. Nervous energy burning off. Lack of sleep.
I remember vividly
curling up in a ball on the living room floor
Howling... not even crying, howling...
Saying how shit I was.
Yeah I felt so bad.
That was all I could do
I just wanted to be taken away from it all. (GENTLE BREEZE, DISTANT SOUND OF CARS)
I only realized something was wrong when I was driving back from school crying
and i knew, this wasn't right.
It was a build up of stress and work, and expectations at work, and then finding
that uh, I couldn't do it. I wasn't alone. Other people were struggling with it but I
just thought "I can't do this. I can't do this. Why? What's wrong with me? Why can't I do it? I'm a failure."
I knew I was stressed... I didn't know I was
depressed. And I think it just got worse after that point. There was no stopping it. Once it started.
The feelings of negativity about not being good enough, um
I couldn't stop it. (DISTANT SOUND OF TRAFFIC GETTING LOUDER)
The whole thing made me feel that I was worthless. So, I didn't want to meet anyone.
I didn't want to speak to anyone. I was so worthless, there was no point in... I shouldn't be
indulging my hobbies, which I love from cycling and my books, I couldn't do that. I couldn't... I couldn't see,
and now I can, that these are sort of things I should have kept doing. I should have kept in
contact with people. I should have gone out on my bike. I should have gone to the cinema. I should have done this.
I just had to hide... because I was an embarrassment, and I was a worthless human being. (OVERWHELMING SOUND OF TRAFFIC RUSHING BY)
All the things that latteraly I know is how you deal with it. I couldn't.
It consumed me... Finding a way to kill myself that nobody would get hurt with.
i.e. I didn't want to jump in front of a train in case a train driver had to
suffer shock. I didn't want to myself in the forest because some kid might find you.
But I didn't want to kill myself... but I did... And it was not a drama thing, it wasn't "Oh attention, oh,
I want to kill myself" It was... "I'm a useless piece of [__]. I'm no good to anyone... the whole... everybody would be better off without me."
Which didn't make sense. Now, when I see it.
It doesn't make sense... but... I was so desperate... I was so down... I could understand why people would do it.
And I was so numb that, I could feel that people in my position then would,
I could see how they could do it. But fortunately, I knew I couldn't because of my family.
There was no way. Even though I was suffering, and I was hating it, and I was
absolutely hating myself. I would have never done that to my family.