Back when I was little, it was little known secret, divulged in hushed tones round the
back of the bike shed at school that Jenny Evans had got with Joe Clarkson at Amanda
Perry’s party but he’d never text her back so she was done with boy like forever,
but also that wrestling wasn’t real.
Now, saying that to an actual wrestler is likely to get you a smack upside the mouth,
the bit about wrestling not being real not the thing about Jenny Evans, unless they happened
to be Ryan Evans who grew up to be a wrestler.
But some Goosebumps level shit of lies you tell coming to life.
Point is: we all thought that wrestling wasn’t real because people weren’t actually trying
to hurt each other.
But as one botched Walls of Jericho on my living room floor told me, that just isn’t
true.
I cried.
I was 25.
And the problem is that there are some moves that hurt no matter how you cover up, or tuck
your head, and I’ve gathered, I’ve made Andy gather, 13 of the most painful used by
WWE superstars today.
I’m El Fakidor Laurie Blake and here are 13 properly painful moves in WWE.
13.
Bayley to Belly
The torque and height that Bayley gets on this utterly back-breaking move is hard to
watch at times, particularly when she does it off the second rope.
The second rope!?
Is she insane?
You’ll kill someone.
I would not want to be in the Raw Women’s Division, both in general and because of this
utterly devastating finisher.
Only Bayley could turn a completely normal belly-to-belly suplex into a brutal murder
machine.
I’m obviously kidding it’s shit.
A Bayley-to-back suplex would look better… run it again.
13 Again.
Chops
No two ways about it.
The only way to get your chops to sound good and make the audience gasp is to flipping
go for it.
Just ask this guy from a party we went to, ask the man Sin Cara slapped, asked anyone
that’s had Walter’s ham hocks imprinted on their skin for the next three days.
Chops suck.
12.
Coup de Grace
Finn Balor, so named after an Irish myth about a tiny man in a company full of giants who
just can’t catch a break.
Despite Finn’s smaller, almost career stifling size, his finisher the Coup De Grace has to
hurt.
Having anyone jump onto you feet first from several feet in the air is going to hurt,
no matter how much you brace yourself for the impact.
Of course, Finn is an incredibly talented performer and has near perfect aim, tending
to place the move somewhere below the chest region.
So there are no chest bursting antics.
But even then, having Finn come and stomp your stomach, that’s still 86 kilos (nearly
200lbs) falling onto your belly.
That’s like 5,733 digestive biscuits being dropped onto you, but without all the oily
abs.
It is lucky that Finn hits the move with such precision, as a full on flying stomp to the
sternum or diaphragm could be seriously painful and incredibly dangerous.
Ribs have been broken by much less.
11.
Muta Lock
More commonly known in WWE as the Emma Lock or Last Chancery, which is modified version,
the Muta lock involved tangling up your opponents legs before leaning back and wrenching their
neck back over your shoulder.
And I know what you’re thinking, that all that sounds really pleasant, but it’s actually
pretty excruciating.
Another move that hurts no matter how you take it, Austin Aries has used it to great
effect throughout his career.
Submission holds are far more complex than your normal move, and therefore have the potential
to be far more painful.
It’s much harder to make the moves hurt less, because you can’t really make a stationary
lock look weaker.
Unless you’re John Cena and the move is the STF, a hover hands hug for your head.
10.
Swanton Bomb
Much like the Coup de Grace, the Swanton Bomb is essentially a fully grown man falling back
first onto your chest/stomach.
Unlike the Coup de Grace however, it’s far less easy to be as precise, and therefore
taking it is potentially far more unpleasant.
In the mid 2000s, Jeff Hardy would hit the move with the top of his back hitting his
opponent as he landed on the other side of them, but that was painful for Jeff who has
instead decided to just stay laying it in hard, hitting with the full force of his back
before flopping into a pin.
Again, tense all you want but if you’re hit with a full on Swanton, you’re going
to know about it.
9.
The Accolade
Although he has largely transitioned over to the Machka Kick, Rusev made his name in
WWE by finishing matches with the Accolade, a move made famous as the Camel Clutch by
the Iron Sheikh.
Sitting on someone’s lower back, before wrenching the neck and face up is pretty sore.
There is no way of making this move not hurt.
No matter how many muscles you have, someone is still stretching you out and putting ungodly
pressure on your lower back.
If anyone remembers the Rusev Kalisto feud - I know I don’t - Rusev would lock in the
hold and basically snap Kalisto in half.
This is a move that once defeated John Cena clean, and John Cena don’t lose to no sissy
move.
8.
German Suplex
A suplex itself is one of the most basic moves in wrestling, but that all changes when you
cross the border into Germany and turn that suplex Deutsch.
Neatly exhibited by Daniel Bryan and Brock Lesnar at Survivor Series, if you’re doing
release German suplexes, it’s quite possible to throw your opponent a bit too far, causing
them to land on the back of their neck rather than the back of their back.
Which I’m sure just does wonders for the longevity of Daniel Bryan’s return.
And holding on doesn’t exactly make it all that much better, as over arching your back
while hitting the move can leave your opponent in all sorts of trouble.
It seems like the key is to hit it as flat as possible to ensure that your opponent lands
flat on their back, but get it a bit wrong and it’s a trip to the chiropractor to have
your neck cracked back into place.
7.
Guillotine
Not only does your head get wrenched out of its socket, you’re generally speaking standing
up right, holding the full weight of another person with your… neck?
This could only be made more painful if an actual guillotine was involved, but unfortunately
blading is banned in WWE.
Flipping PG nonsense.
Vive la revolution.
Although rarely used as a finisher these days, there is no doubt that coming up against someone
with the guillotine in their arsenal isn’t something many will be keen on.
A bit too chokey for my likey.
6.
The Pedigree
Unless Triple H has just suffered a torn pectoral muscle, he can usually hit the pedigree pretty
hard.
A move definitely designed for the smaller opponent, given that anyone around the size
of Kane can’t move athletically enough for the move to hit anything more than their knee.
Think back to SummerSlam 2013.
Daniel Bryan had just beaten John Cena for the WWE championship with Triple H as special
guest referee when Randy Orton’s music hits.
Out he comes with the Money in the Bank briefcase, and then Triple H hits an absolute corker
of a pedigree.
Trips generally releases the arms to allow his opponent to soften the blow, but either
Bryan asked to be hit stiff, or he just didn’t want to cushion himself, because he took it
full in the face.
Much like the Styles Clash, instead of tucking the chin you need to untuck your chin to avoid
paralysis and all that jazz.
Possibly the worst use of all that jazz known to man.
Don’t die and all that jazz.
5.
Armbar
Given that this is a move used by several UFC and MMA fighters, the armbar is a bona
fide ouchie.
Used by a variety stars over the years such as Alberto del Rio, Asuka and Ronda Rousey,
the Armbar involves bending your opponent’s arm back as far as possible, which, unless
you’ve got double jointed elbows like Alexa Bliss, is pretty uncomfortable.
And if you’re doing it in MMA and they don’t tap, feel free to break the arm.
Although it’s a move, much like the ankle lock, that you can make look a lot more painful
than it is, it certainly belongs on this list due to the sheer potential for being really
bloody painful.
4.
Powerbomb
Whether it’s a Batista Bomb, a Blue Thunder Bomb, or even a Khali Bomb, Being thrown back
and head first into the canvas is up there with the least desirable things in the world,
along with another Jinder Mahal title run.
Tuck your chin as much as you like on this one, because unless you’ve got neck muscles
the size of watermelons, the back of your head is going to spank the floor and you’re
not going to enjoy it.
You could just go the Diesel route with his powerbomb and hit it as softly as humanly
possible, but where’s the fun in that?
If you want to turn it up, just last ride the buggers.
3.
Alabama Slam
This one hurts even more if done onto steel steps.
Just ask Elias.
Basically a power bomb but with more time swinging through the air, the Alabama Slam
has been used by countless wrestlers throughout history.
The fact that it’s almost always that wrestler’s finisher is testament to how painful it probably
is.
Like a power bomb, trying to tense while tucking your chin and making sure you land properly
is pretty tricky, especially as it’s hard to know where the floor is as you whizz through
the air.
Due to its violent nature, the slam has had to be slowed down slightly, as it’s a move
that when it’s hit stiff, has serious concussion potential, and no-one wants to have their
career ended by being pancaked into the floor.
And if you want an even more painful version look no further than Drew McIntyre’s inverted
one, there is so much chin crunching potential in it it’s silly.
2.
Rings of Saturn
Now the rings of Saturn just looks really unpleasant.
I’d 100% tap out to it.
I’m tapping out now and we’re just talking about it.
Having both of your arms wrenched back behind you while in a seated position must suck to
high heaven.
Yet another submission hold that you would struggle to make less painful than it already
looks, you can easily make it look more painful though.
Add a crossface in like Neville did for his King of the Cruiserweights run or do a weird
variation using only your legs like Zack Sabre Jr in the Cruiserweight Classic.
Which honestly was gross.
He’s like a chimpanzee, using his feet for hands.
1.
Kimura Lock
Without doubt the most painful move on this list, and probably the most simple to do.
Another UFC stable, the Kimura basically involves mounting your opponent so they can’t move,
before bending their bent arm back as hard as you can.
It’s a move that has genuinely broken several arms in its time, and even when lightly applied
as it is in WWE, hurts like an absolute bastard.
Brock Lesnar often whips it out when he finds himself in a tight spot in a match, most famously
tapping out the Undertaker - a tap-out not seen by the referee.
Although we urge you to not try any of these at home, just bend your arm and then push
it back with your other arm, and you’ll immediately realise why this hurts.
You’ve done it haven’t you.
We just told you not to try this at home.
Can’t get the viewers sometimes.
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So those are some painful moves that weirdly aren’t banned by WWE, but there are a whole
load of moves that are, click the video on-screen now to find out some more.
And give us a subscribe to stay up tp date on all of the latest wrestling news.
I’ve been El Fakidor and that was lucha.