YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND SO MUCH TIME OVER THERE SMELTING THE RAW
ORE OF THE BIG NEWS INTO THE GORGEOUS WROUGHT-IRON GATE THAT
IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE TO SHOVEL UP ALL THE CASTOFF NEWS SLAG,
GRIND IT INTO A POWDER, MIX IT WITH CLINKER, GYPSUM, AND FLY
ASH, AND REFINE IT INTO BLAST FURNACE SLAG CEMENT, WHICH IS
THEN POURED INTO A CAST, AND COOLED INTO THE CONVENIENCE
STORE PARKING BLOCK THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
THERE CAN'T BE TOO MUCH "MEANWHILE."
IT GIVES HOPE TO PEOPLE.
WHILE, FOR DAYS, THE INTERNET HAS BEEN UNABLE TO GET
ENOUGH OF THIS VIDEO OF A PNEUMATIC TUBE SYSTEM DESIGNED
FOR MOVING FISH LONG DISTANCES OVER DAMS.
THE LINE IS ALWAYS SUPER LONG BUT THAT SALMON HAD A FAST PASS.
( LAUGHTER )
SALMON CANNON," WHICH NARROWLY BEAT OUT THE "GILL GUN," "THE
TROUT SPOUT," "THE BASS BLASTER," AND OF COURSE, "THE
FLINGING NEMO."
( LAUGHTER )
BRAINCHILD OF A COMPANY CALLED WHOOSHH INNOVATIONS, WHICH ASKS
THE QUESTION: WHAT ELSE DOES WHOOSHH INNOVATIONS MAKE?
"ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, WE'VE GOT THE PERFECT NAME FOR THE
COMPANY.
NOW WHAT'S SOMETHING THAT GOES "WHOOSHH?"
NO BAD IDEAS.
SERIOUSLY, EVEN IF YOU PITCH SOME KIND OF LONG DISTANCE FISH
LAUNCHER, I'M IN.
BUT NOT THAT.
SOMETHING ELSE."
MEANWHILE, DESPITE ALL THE TIMES, THERE ARE ALSO INSPIRING
AND UPLIFTING STORIES OUT THERE.
AND, USUALLY, THOSE STORIES ARE ABOUT OLYMPIC GYMNAST SIMONE
BILES.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NEW SIMONE BILES-BASED "MEANWHILE" SUB-SEGMENT:
"MEANBILES."
DON'T LET THE NAME FOOL YOU.
I HAVE MET HER.
SHE'S NICE-BILES.
MEANBILES, SIMONE BILES, JUST WON HER SIXTH ALL-AROUND TITLE
AT THE U.S. GYMNASTICS CHAMPIONSHIP--
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE FIRST EVER TO LAND A TRIPLE DOUBLE.
TWO DOUBLES, THREE FLIPS IN COMPETITIONS.
HERE IS WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE.
YOU'VE GOT THE FLOP.
YOU HAVE ANOTHER FLOP.
THEN YOU'VE GOT ONE, TWO, THREE-- AND THERE WERE TWO FLIPS
IN THERE.
BOOM!
UNBELIEVABLE!
NO OTHER GYMNAST IN THE WORLD CAN DO THAT WITHOUT BEING SHOT
OUT OF A SALMON CANNON.
( LAUGHTER )
NOVELS WILL FINALLY BE RELEASED AS E-BOOKS.
ALLOWING E-BOOKS IS A BOLD MOVE BY J.D. SALINGER'S SON, MATT
SALINGER.
BUT DON'T EXPECT ANY OTHER TYPES OF MEDIA, BECAUSE MATT SALINGER
MAINTAINS THAT, LIKE HIS FATHER, "HE IS FIRMLY OPPOSED TO SCREEN
ADAPTATIONS."
AND HE IS ALSO "NOT GOING TO RELEASE J.D. SALINGER'S WORK AS
AUDIOBOOKS."
FINE.
I RESPECT THAT.
NO MOVIES.
NO TV.
NO AUDIOBOOKS.
BUT NOTICE THAT HE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT VIDEO GAMES.
HEAR ME OUT!
I'VE PUT A LITTLE SOMETHING TOGETHER THAT I THINK
DEMONSTRATES THE SHEER PULSE-POUNDING, BUTTON-SMASHING
POTENTIAL OF THE ENTIRE SALINGER OEUVRE.
OKAY, LEVEL ONE.
YOU'RE HOLDEN CAULFIELD.
YOU'RE WATCHING THE RYE.
OKAY, HERE COME THOSE KIDS!
CATCH 'EM, HOLDEN!
CATCH THE KIDS!
CATCH 'EM IN THE RYE!
NO!
THERE ARE TOO MANY!
THERE ARE TOO MANY KIDS!
YOU'VE LOST YOUR INNOCENCE!
YOU'VE LOST THEIR INNOCENCE.
AND YOU'VE WON.
YOU'VE WON.
BONUS ROUND: ASK A CAB DRIVE
BONUS ROUND: ASK A CAB DRIVER WHERE DUCKS GO IN THE WINTER.
CALL ME, MATT SALINGER, OR YOU'RE A PHONY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JADA PINKETT-SMITH.