WELCOME TO THE LATE SHOW.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
FIRST OF ALL, HAPPY STAR WARS SHALL STAR WARS DAY, EVERYBODY,
MAY THE FOURTH BE WITH YOU.
ALSO I THINK THE REPUBLICANS MAY HAVE FOURTHED YOU OFF YOUR
HEALTH INSURANCE BECAUSE THE HOUSE VOTED TO REPEAL AND
REPLACE OBAMACARE JUST A FEW HOURS AGO.
FOR MORE LET'S GO TO OUR CONGRESSIONAL-- NO, I KNOW THE
FEELING.
LET'S GO TO OUR CONGRESSIONAL REPORTER BEN.
BEN, WHAT WAS THAT MOMENT LIKE?
>> AS IF MILLIONS OF VOICES SUDDENLY CRIED OUT IN TERROR.
>> Stephen: THANKS, BEN.
NOW, HE'S A GOOD KID.
NOW WHEN THEY TRIED TO PASS THIS KIND OF BILL BACK IN MARCH
MODERATE REPUBLICANS THOUGHT THAT IT WAS TOO HARSH.
WHILE CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICANS THOUGHT IT WAS TOO SOFT.
THE ONLY PERSON WHO THOUGHT ITS WITH JUST RIGHT WAS OREGON
CONGRESSWOMAN GOLDI LOCKS.
SHE WAS INTO IT AT FIRST BUT EVENTUALLY VOTED FOR THE BILL
AFTER THEY PROMISED HER $8 BILLION IN PORRIDGE SUBSIDIES.
UNDER OBAMACARE INSURERS WERE FORCED TO COVER CERTAIN
ESSENTIAL HEALTH BENEFITS LIKE MATERNITY CARE, EMERGENCY
SERVICES AN PREVENTIVE SERVICES BUT THIS NEW BILL ALLOWS STATES
TO WAIVE THE BENEFIT RULES AND SET UP THEIR OWN STANDARDS.
YOU KNOW, BECAUSE PEOPLE GET SICK DIFFERENTLY IN DIFFERENT
STATES.
IN CALIFORNIA YOU COULD BE SUFFERING FROM HELLA FOOT PAIN,
BRAH.
WHEREAS IN MASSACHUSETTS, IT IS WICKED BAD GOUT IN YOUR RED
SA-WX.
THAT IS A PERFECT BOSTON ACCENT.
MERYL STREEP.
(APPLAUSE) ABSOLUTELY.
OF COURSE THE BIG QUESTION IS WHETHER THE NEW PLAN WILL COVER
PREEXISTING CONDITIONS.
AND THE ANSWER IS A DEF NO.
CUZ THE BILL HAS AN AMENDMENT THAT ALLOWS STATES TO OPT OUT.
OPTING OUT.
VERY POPULAR PROVISION WITH MANY OF THE STATES WHO ALREADY FLY
THE TRADITIONAL OPT OUT FLAG.
AND THE TERM, YES, I AGREE.
AND I'M FROM THERE.
AND OF COURSE IT WOULDN'T BE A REPUBLICAN BILL IF DIDN'T
INCLUDE TAX CUTS.
OBAMACARE WAS PAID FOR LARGELY WITH A TAX INCREASE ON THE
RICHEST AMERICANS.
THE NEW BILL WOULD CUT TAXES FOR THE WEALTHY UP TO $883 BILLION.
NOW LISTEN, IF HEARING THAT RAISES YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE, CALM
DOWN, YOU CAN'T AFFORD THE MEDICATION ANY MORE.
BUT IF ALL OF THIS SEEMS EXTREME, DON'T WORRY.
SOME MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE TELLING JOURNALISTS THAT THE
BILL'S CONTROVERSIAL PROVISIONS AREN'T A BUG DEAL BECAUSE QUOTE
NO STATE WOULD BE CRAZY ENOUGH TO ACTUALLY ASK FOR THEM.
HAVE YOU MET FLORIDA?
RIGHT THERE ON THEIR STATE SEAL, CRAZY ENOUGH.
SO THEY DID IT.
OBAMACARE IS FINALLY, OFFICIALLY DEAD IS SOMETHING THEY HE CAN
SAY ONCE THE BILL GOES TO THE SENATE THEN GETS OUT OF
COMMITTEE, IS DEBATED ON THE FLOOR WHERE AMENDMENTS CAN BE
ADDED THEN THE SENATE VOTES ON THEIR BILL WHICH IS SENT TO
CONFERENCE COMMITTEE WHERE THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE TWO
BILLS ARE IRONED OUT THEN VOTED ON IN THE HOUSE AND SENATE AGAIN
THEN SENT TO THE WHITE HOUSE FOR THE PRESIDENT TO SIGN.
WHICH IS WHY REPUBLICANS WERE CHANTING, WE'RE NUMBER ONE-THIRD
OF THE WAY THROUGH A VERY COMPLEX PROCESS.
(APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: ALL THAT IS TRUE BUT IT DID NOT STOP REPUBLICANS
FROM THROWING A MASSIVE BEER BASH.
AND IT WASN'T JUST BEER, NO, I MEAN THEY HAVEN'T ACCOMPLISHED
ANYTHING YET BUT IT WASN'T JUST BEER.
THEY ALSO SERVED UNHATCHED CHICKENS, THERE WAS SO MUCH FOOD
THEY HAD TO BRING IN A CART BEFORE A HORSE IT WAS VERY
LEVLY.
AFTER THE VOTE, IT IT TOOK AWHILE FOR THE METAPHOR TO CATCH
ON IN THE ROOM BUT THEY GOT THERE EVENTUALLY.
AFTER THE VOTE, ONE REPORTER RAN INTO REINCE PRIEBUS WHO TOLD
HER, THE PRESIDENT STEPPED UP AND HELPED PUNT THE BALL INTO
THE END ZONE.
YES, A PUNT INTO THE END ZONE.
ACCURATE BECAUSE IT GETS YOU ZERO POINTS AND GIVES YOUR
OPPONENT GOOD FIELD POSITION.
(APPLAUSE) PUNTA WAY.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> Jon: I GOT YOU.
>> Stephen: I THINK A MORE ACCURATE FOOTBALL METAPHOR MIGHT
HAVE BEEN THE GOP JUST KICKED AMERICA IN THE BALLS.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, PIANO HAND.
RIGHT AFTER THE VOTE THE REPUBLICANS WENT OVER TO THE
WHITE HOUSE WHERE DONALD TRUMP SPOKE ABOUT THE BILL IN FRONT OF
THE NATION'S STRATEGIC WHITE GUY RESERVES.
AND HE WANTED TO BE VERY CLEAR ABOUT WHAT THIS IS.
>> THIS IS, MAKE NO MISTAKE, THIS IS A REPEAL AND A REPLACE
OF OBAMACARE, MAKE NO MISTAKE ABOUT IT.
MAKE NO MISTAKE.
TZ YES, MAKE NO MISTAKE.
WE'VE ALREADY MADE ENOUGH FOR TODAY.
ALL THE MISTAKES ARE TAKEN.
AND TRUMP DID HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION FOR THE
ASSEMBLED.
HOW AM I DOING?
AM I DOING OKAY, I'M PRESIDENT, HEY, I'M PRESIDENT, CAN YOU
BELIEVE T RIGHT?
TZ NO, WE STILL CAN'T.
IT'S JUST-- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
SWRZ HERE I STAND WITH PI BACK AGAINST THE WALL.
>> Stephen: AND TRUMP WALKED ABOUT-- TALKED ABOUT EVERYONE
WHO CAME TOGETHER TO PASS THIS BILL.
>> WE HAVE THE TUESDAY GROUP, WE HAVE SO MANY GROUPS.
THE WE HAVE THE FREEDOM CAUCUS, WE HAVE-- AND THEY'RE ALL GREAT
PEOPLE.
WE HAVE A LOT OF GROUPS TZ YEAH, A LOT OF GROUPS.
THE GUYS WHO WEAR STRIPE TIE, THE GUYS WHO WEAR SOLID TIE, THE
BALD GUY, NOT BALD GUYS, VERY DIVERSE COALITION.
AND OF COURSE THERE WAS HIGH PRAISE FOR THE PRESIDENT FROM
HOUSE MAJORITY LEADER KEVIN McCARTHY.
>> I'VE ONLY BEEN THROUGH A FEW PRESIDENTS BUT I'VE NEVER SEEN
SOMEONE SO HANDS ON TZ NEITHER HAVE WE.
HE'S HANDS ON.
ESPECIALLY HEALTH CARE.
HE'S ALREADY VOLUNTEERED TO DO ALL THE MAMMOGRAMS.
BUT BASED ON A TRUE STORY, THAT JOKE.
BUT IF YOU LOSE YOUR HEALTH CARE, REMEMBER LAUGHTER IS THE
BEST MEDICINE.
UNTIL YESTERDAY WHEN A JURY CONVICTED A WOMAN WHO LAUGHED AT
JEFF SESSIONS.
SEE TRUMP'S AMERICA ISN'T SO BAD IT'S JIS THAT LAUGHTER IS NOW A
CRIME.
THE WOMAN DESIREE FAIROOZ WAS CONVICTED OF DISRUPTING SESSIONS
CONFIRMATION HEARINGS WHEN ALABAMA SENATOR RICHARD SHELBY
SAID THIS.
>> BUT IN REALITY, JEFF SESSIONS EXTENSIVE RECORD OF TREATING ALL
AMERICANS EQUALLY UNDER THE LAW IS CLEAR AND WELL-DOCUMENTED.
TZ OH!
OH, YOU JUST GOT BUSTED.
FOR FIRST DEGREE CHUCKLING WITH INTENT TO TITTER.
NOW FAIROOZ DEFENDED HERSELF SAYING HER LAUGHTER WAS A
REFLEX.
I UNDERSTAND THAT.
I MEAN IT'S LIKE MY GAG REFLEX EVERY TIME I SAY
PRESIDENT-- TRUMP.
(APPLAUSE) NOW THIS IS TRUE, FAIROOZ COULD
FACE UP TO A YEAR IN PRISON, OKAY.
THAT IS HARSH.
SHE COULD END UP JOINING A GANG, OR WORSE AN IMPROV TROUPE.
WE NOW LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE LAUGHING AT JEFF SESSIONS IS A
FEDERAL OFFENSE.
SO FOR YOUR OWN-- YOUR OWN SAFETY, PLEASE DO NOT LAUGH AT
HOW MUCH JEFF SESSIONS LOOKED LIKE MY WRITER MIKE'S BRAND NEW
BABY.
(LAUGHTER) YOU'RE ALL GOING TO JAIL.
YOU'RE ALL GOING TO JAIL.