HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
THIS IS YOU BACK IN THE STUDIO, DAY TWO, HOW ARE YOU FEELING IT?
YOU ROCKING IT?
>> I FEEL GREAT.
TURNS OUT, I REALLY NEED ATTENTION.
( LAUGHTER ) >> James: YES!
YES!
>> IT'S HARD FOR ME WHEN I ■DON' GET IT.
I'M WALKING AROUND MY NEIGHBORHOOD YELLING AT CROWS,
THE WHITE HOUSE?
MORE LIKE THE LOONY BIN!
>> James: NOTHING.
THEY'RE STILL BIRDS.
>> James: ZERO, YEAH.
I SEE, EARLIER TODAY, YOU HAVE THE TRUMP BUTTON DONE UP AND
YOU'VE POPPED IT.
IS THAT FOR THE SHOW?
BECAUSE YOU BANT THE AUDIENCE AT HOME TO THINK YOU'RE A REGULAR
GUY.
>> I WANT THEM TO KNOW I'M A GOOD TIME PARTY GUY.
INVITE ME TO BARBECUE, HAVE ME TO YOUR SWIMMING POOL, WHATEVER.
>> James: DO IT UP, COMPLETELY DIFFERENT MAN.
LOOK.
>> Reggie: OH!
I LIKE IT.
>> James: AM I RIGHT.
>> Reggie: I ALWAYS GO FULL BUTTON UP.
IF IT HAS BUTTONS, GO ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP.
>> James: WE'VE ALWAYS BEEN FULL BUTTON UP GUYS, EYE.
>> I PERCEIVE IT AS A BRITISH THING AND I KIND OF CHICKENED
OUT.
>> James: YEAH, BECAUSE YOU STARTED -- BECAUSE EARLIER
TODAY, YOU WERE FULLY UP, AND THE SHOW STARTED AND YOU WERE,
LIKE, I'VE GOT TO POP THIS OPEN OR PEOPLE IN PORTLAND ARE GOING
TO BE LIKE, LOOK AT ME, HE'S LOST ALL THIS WEIGHT, WHO DOES
HE THINK HE IS NOW.
>> LOOK HOW HIGH MY PANTS ARE.
>> Reggie: WHOA!
>> James: INCREDIBLE, INCREDIBLE.
>> YOANLTS WHO I AM ANYMORE.
>> James: IT'S TRUE.
YOU'RE A DIFFERENT GUY.
HOW MUCH WEIGHT HAVE YOU LOST NOW?
>> I'VE LOST, LIKE, 120 POUNDS.
>> James: YES!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> James: UNBELIEVABLE!
SINCE MAY!
>> James: THAT'S INSANE, DUDE.
I HAVEN'T DONE STANDUP SINCE FEBRUARY.
I USED TO BE -- I'M STILL LIKE A FAT GUY BUT I USED TO BE A FAT
GUY ON STAGE.
MY ACT IS GONE.
I HAVE NO IDEA.
>> James: YOU'RE RIGHT.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO LAUGH ABOUT OR TALK ABOUT?
>> I HAVE NO IDEA.
I'M GOING TO BE LIKE...
>> James: WHAT ABOUT THESE CHEEKBONES, HUH?
JUST SAYING BECAUSE THE CHEEKBONES.
>> ANYBODY ELSE HAVE TO PUT THEIR HAND IN A CANDLE EVERY
TIME THEY WATCH BAKEOFF?
>> Reggie: OH, NICE!
>> James: YEAH, THAT WORKS.
120 POUNDS.
>> Reggie: DAMN, MAN.
>> James: THAT'S INCREDIBLE, DUDE.
YOU KNOW WHERE I AM.
>> Reggie: WHERE.
>> James: I THINK ON MY CALCULATIONS OF WEIGHT LOSS,
WHEN'S OUR NEXT LITTLE BREAK, IN A MONTH, RIGHT.
>> MARCH 26.
>> James: MY INTENTION IS TO DO A SHOW BEFORE MARCH
MARCH 26th NOT WEARING SPANKS.
>> Reggie: OH!
[ APPLAUSE ] >> James: THAT'S MY INTENTION.
>> Reggie: THAT'S HUGE.
I GET IT.
>> James: MY SKIN IS NOT GOING TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
MY FLESH IS GOING TO BE, LIKE, WHAT IS THIS FABRIC?
I'M FREE TO MOVE!
LET'S JUMP INTO THE HEADLINES.
PRESIDENT BIDEN HAD HIS FIRST SUMMIT WITH A HEAD OF STATE
TODAY, A VIRTUAL MEETING WITH CANADA'S PRIME MINISTER JUSTIN
TRUDEAU.
THE TWO LEADERS DISCUSSED THE MOST PRESSING ISSUES FACING
CANADA, LIKE COVID-19, CLIMATE CHANGE, AND HOW LONG DRAKE IS
GOING TO KEEP THAT HEART IN HIS HAIR.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU JUST KNOW THEY SPENT THE
ENTIRE TIME TRASH-TALKING TRUMP AND THEN WERE LIKE, "YEAH, UH
WE TALKED ABOUT COVID AND STUFF."
( LAUGHTER ) PRESIDENT BIDEN'S FIRST MEETING
WITH A HEAD OF STATE WAS VIRTUAL, WHICH EXPLAINS WHY HE
SPENT THE DAY AT THE WHITE HOUSE DRESSED LIKE THIS:
( LAUGHTER ) >> James: AND DID YOU GUYS SEE
THIS?
YESTERDAY, THE UNITED STATES ARRESTED THE WIFE OF THE DRUG
KINGPIN EL CHAPO ON -- GET THIS DRUG CHARGES.
SHE'S BEEN USING THE MOST DANGEROUS DRUG OF ALL: TRUE
LOVE.
I'M ALWAYS SURPRISED WHEN DRUG KINGPINS ARE MARRIED.
LIKE, NO, THEY WON'T FOLLOW MOST LAWS, BUT THEY WILL FILE A
MARRIAGE LICENSE DOWN AT THE COURTHOUSE.
( LAUGHTER ) LOOK AT THESE TWO.
THEY RAN A BUSINESS TOGETHER, SHE'S TRYING TO BREAK HIM OUT
OF PRISON.
IS THIS ME OR IS THIS JUST BIGTIME RELATIONSHIP GOALS?
JARED, WOULD YOU BUST YOUR WIFE OUT OF JAIL?
>> I WOULD WAIT A COUPLE OF DAYS.
CLEAR OUT SOME SNACKS IN THE FRIDGE AND MAKE MY WAY DOWN TO
THE JAIL.
>> James: YEAH, I THINK THAT'S RIGHT.
REG, WOULD YOU BUST A LOVED ONE OUT OF JAIL?
>> Reggie: YEAH.
I MEAN THE EASIEST WAY IS TO BEFRIEND A TRANSDIMENSIONLE
BEING SO THEY CAN SURPASS ALL THE LAWS OF PHYSICS AND MAKE
THEM APPEAR NEXT TO YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PAUSE )
( LAUGHTER ) >> James: DOES EVERYBODY
REMEMBER HOW THE DOMINION VOTING SYSTEMS IS SUING
RUDY GIULIANI FOR $1.3 BILLION?
WELL, AFTER PUBLICLY DECLARING HE WAS READY FOR THE LEGAL
FIGHT, IT TURNS OUT GIULIANI SPENT A WEEK DODGING PROCESS
SERVERS WHO WERE TRYING TO HAND HIM THE LAWSUIT.
THEY HAD TO CATCH GIULIANI AND SERVE HIM.
THIS SHOULD 100% BE TELEVISED.
THIS SHOULD BE A CHALLENGE ON "THE AMAZING RACE."
WHAT A FALL FROM GRACE GIULIANI HAS HAD.
HE WENT FROM BEING THE PRESIDENT'S PERSONAL LAWYER TO
LIVING OUT THE PLOT OF A BUGS BUNNY CARTOON.
YOU KNOW WHO SHOULD BE SERVING RUDY GIULIANI THESE PAPERS?
SASHA BARON COHEN.
WOULDN'T IT BE GOOD IF BORAT SERVED THE PAPERS?
JARED, GIVE US YOUR BORAT.
>> YOU COULD GET LIFE...
>> James: YOU COULD GET LIFE...
( LAUGHTER ) >> James: JARED'S NOT IN THE
STUDIO VERY MUCH.
HE'S JUST IN TODAY.
WE'RE PLAYING A GAME LATER IN THE SHOW.
I LOVE THIS RELAXED -- >> Reggie: VERY RELAXED.
>> James: I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT.
YOU'RE LIKE -- YOU LOOK LIKE A KIND OF J. CREW MODEL.
>> Reggie: VERY CONFIDENT.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE LEFT MY HOUSE IN SIX MONTHS.
SO I'M JUST GOING TO KIND OF LEAN IN.
>> James: CAN I GET YOU A DRINK.
>> I THINK I'M ALL RIGHT.
>> James: I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS.
>> HE LOOKS LIKE THE COOL ENGLISH TEACHER ON THE FIRST
NICE DAY OF THE YEAR WHO SAYS, LET'S HAVE GLASS OUTSIDE TODAY.
>> THAT'S EXACTLY WHO HE IS!
>> James: ASK PEOPLE TO CALL HIM JARED, NOT MR. MASKOWITZ.
IF JARED WAS MY CHIRPS TEACHER, I WOULD BE REALLY WORRIED.
( LAUGHTER ) >> YEAH, THAT'S NOD GOOD FOR
ANYONE.
>> James: DID EVERYBODY SEE THIS?
THIS IS INTERESTING.
ACCORDING TO A NEW SURVEY, AMERICANS BELIEVE THEIR MID-30'S
ARE THE BEST YEARS OF THEIR LIFE, WITH THE PERFECT AGE
BEING 36.
I MEAN, I'LL LET YOU KNOW IF I AGREE WITH THEM WHEN I TURN 36
I GUESS.
MEANWHILE, HERE IN LOS ANGELES 36 IS THE PERFECT AGE TO PLAY
TIMOTHEE CHALAMET'S GRANDMOTHER.
WHAT AGE WAS YOUR BEST AGE, REG?
>> Reggie: GOSH, THAT'S TOUGH.
I WOULD PROBABLY SAY, LIKE, 30 -- YEAH, LIKE 35, 36, YEAH.
YEAH.
IT WAS GOOD.
>> James: YOU?
I THINK NOW.
>> James: NOW, 28.
[ APPLAUSE ] HOW OLD ARE YOU, GUILLERMO?
>> 44.
>> James: RIGHT.
AND YOU'RE SAYING RIGHT NOW IS THE BEST AGE.
>> YEAH.
>> James: YEAH, I THINK I'M INTO IT.
>> TOTALLY.
>> James: I'M INTO BEING 39.
( LAUGHTER ) IF YOU HADN'T LAUGHED, THERE'S
NO REASON WHY THEY WOULDN'T BELIEVE THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S A FUNNY STORY FROM RIGHT
HERE IN CALIFORNIA.
A WOMAN RECEIVED HER NEW DRIVER'S LICENSE IN THE MAIL,
BUT THIS WAS THE PHOTOGRAPH THAT THE D.M.V. INCLUDED WITH HER
I.D.: THEY ACCIDENTALLY USED A PHOTO
THEY TOOK OF HER BEFORE SHE REMOVED HER MASK.
THE WAY I SEE IT, I DON'T THINK THIS IS A BAD THING.
WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE WEARING MASKS IN 2022.
WE NEED TO START IDENTIFYING EACH OTHER BY OUR EYEBROWS.
CAN WE SEE THE PHOTOAGAIN?
LOOK AT THAT.
LAUREN, IS THAT YOU?
>> MY EYES ARE MUCH SADDER.
>> James: WHAT?
MUCH SADDER.
>> James: YOU'VE GOT SADDER EYES?
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T KNOW, I THINK YOURS LOOK
ALIVE BY COMPARISON.
LOOK!
>> COMPARED TO A STILL PHOTO?
>> James: COMPARED TO A STILL PHOTO--
( LAUGHTER ) AND WE WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT
THIS -- A GERMAN ROCK BAND HAS COME UP
WITH A SOLUTION TO MAKE THEIR CONCERTS COVID-SAFE. THEY'VE
CONVERTED A VAN INTO A CLUB WHERE THEY PLAY GIGS FOR ONE FAN
AT A TIME.
HAVE A LOOK.
( SINGING ) ♪♪♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> James: WE'RE CALLING IT A
CONCERT.
THAT'S AN ABDUCTION.
WE'VE JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET KIDNAPPED.
OBVIOUSLY IT'S DIFFERENT FROM THE BAND'S USUAL GIGS.
NORMALLY THEY AND THEIR ONE AUDIENCE MEMBER ARE INSIDE A
ROCK CLUB.
BUT THIS IS PERFECT FOR PEOPLE WHO WANT TO EXPERIENCE ALL THE
WORST THINGS ABOUT GOING TO A CLUB WHILE ALSO GETTING COVID.
GUILLERMO, I FEEL LIKE WHEN THAT FAN SIGNED UP, SHE 100% THOUGHT
THAT VAN WOULD BE BIGGER.
( LAUGHTER ) AND FINALLY, THERE'S A NEW
ADDITION TO THE FAST FOOD CHICKEN SANDWICH WARS.
TACO BELL JUST ANNOUNCED IT WILL BE COMING OUT WITH A CRISPY
CHICKEN SANDWICH TACO.
HERE IT IS HERE: IT'S MARINATED IN JALAPEÑO
BUTTERMILK, FRIED WITH A CRISPY TORTILLA COATING, AND SERVED
WITH CREAMY CHIPOTLE SAUCE.
NOT FOR ME.
I ONLY STICK TO THE HEALTHY STUFF ON THE TACO BELL MENU.
( LAUGHTER ) I LIKE HOW TACO BELL IS PATTING
ITSELF ON THE BACK FOR INVENTING A SANDWICH THAT EVERY DRUNK
COLLEGE KID HAS MADE AT 2:00 IN THE MORNING.
YEAH, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT?
I GOT A CHICKEN FINGER AND A PITA BREAD.
YEAH, THAT WILL DO IT.
( LAUGHTER ) ARE WE DONE WITH CHICKEN NOW?
>> Reggie: I HOPE SO.
>> James: I FEEL LIKE EVERY WEEK WE HAVE A NEW FRIED
CHICKEN.
CAN WE PUT A PIN INTO IT, ROB.
>> DOUBLE DOWN.
THERE'S NO NEED TO DO ANYTHING ELSE.
>> James: THAT WAS PEAK CHICKEN.
IT'S ALL DOWNHILL FROM NOW.
DON'T YOU THINK?
>> I WANT -- I WANT TO EAT THAT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> James: CHEAP DATE.
I'M NOT DOING TO SAY I'M NOT GOING TO TRY IT.
>> James: ON A CHEAT DAY.
ON A CHEAT DAY.
OVER A GARBAGE CAN, ALONE.
>> James: IN A CAR WASH.
YOU KNOW WHERE YOU WILL FIND ME EATING THAT, IN A CAR WASH
CRYING.
>> Reggie: YEAH.
THEY'LL SEND THEM TO US FOR FREE AND WE WILL BE ALL PIOUS
WALKING BY THEM IN THE KITCHEN GOING, NO, THAT'S THE OLD ME.
>> James: AND WE'LL MEET IN THE RESTROOMS AND EAT THEM LIKE
WE'RE DOING HEROIN.
WHERE ARE YOU WITH THE FILET OF FISHES.
>> THE COUPON'S EXPIRED.
>> James: NO!
WE'VE STILL GOT BUCKET HATS ON THEM THAT SAY FILET OF FISH
ON THEM.
>> James: McDONALD'S SENT IAN 30 --
>> 30 FILET OF FISH COUPONS.
>> James: COUPONS FOR 30 FILET OF FISH AND TWO FILET OF FISH
BUCKET HATS, AND THE COUPONS HAVE EXPIRED.
SO NOW ALL WE'VE GOT IS TWO FILET OF FISH BUCKET HATS.
>> WHICH IS BETTER THAN WE WERE A YEAR AGO, BABY.