WELCOME TO PART TWO OF TONIGHT'S MONOLOGUE, ALREADY IN
PROGRESS.
( LAUGHTER ) BEFORE THE BREAK, I WAS TELLING
YOU ABOUT THE SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP OF DONALD TRUMP AND
SEAN HANNITY.
THEY'RE LIKE THE GAYLE AND OPRAH OF ANGRY OLD WHITE MEN.
( LAUGHTER ) ACCORDING TO "NEW YORK
MAGAZINE," DONALD TRUMP AND SEAN HANNITY LIKE TO TALK BEFORE
BEDTIME.
LAUGH "SEAN, WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
I'M WEARING NOTHING BUT A CHEESEBURGER WRAPPER."
( LAUGHTER ) I'LL NEVER GET THE SMELL OF
ONIONS OUT NOW.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
WHAT DO THESE LOVABLE OLD CODGERS TALK ABOUT?
APPARENTLY THEY "ALTERNATE BETWEEN DISCUSSING "THE WITCH
HUNT!" AND "GABBING" LIKE OLD
GIRLFRIENDS ABOUT MEDIA GOSSIP AND WHOSE SHOW SUCKS.
OOOH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
I HOPE IT'S ME!
( LAUGHTER ) I WOULD LOVE TO BE UP THERE WITH
"LOW RATED MORNING JOE," "UNFUNNY S.N.L." AND "LYIN'
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS."
( LAUGHTER ) I'M MORE OF A CHUM BUCKET FAN.
( LAUGHTER ) ONE SOURCE SAID THAT TRUMP NEEDS
THESE CALLS WITH HANNITY, BECAUSE "HE DOESN'T LIVE WITH
HIS WIFE," EXPLAINING THAT HE LACKS SOMEONE "TO DECOMPRESS"
WITH AT THE END OF THE DAY.
YEAH, IF MELANIA WERE THERE, HE COULD COMPLAIN TO HER ABOUT HOW
HIS DAY WENT.
"TODAY, ONE OF THE PORN STARS I HAD SEX WITH WHILE YOU WERE HOME
WITH OUR NEWBORN DIDN'T EVEN ADHERE TO THE TERMS OF HER
N.D.A.
TALK ABOUT A MONDAY!" ( LAUGHTER )
AND THEY DON'T TALK JUST AT BEDTIME.
"ON SOME DAYS, THEY SPEAK MULTIPLE TIMES, WITH THE
PRESIDENT ENTERING THE ROOM AND ANNOUNCING, "I JUST HUNG UP WITH
HANNITY."
SO AFTER A CABLE NEWS PUNDIT TALKS TO THE PRESIDENT, IT'S THE
PRESIDENT NAME-DROPPING SEAN HANNITY?
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S LIKE IF BEYONCEÉ BRAGGED
ABOUT MEETING THE TRIVAGO GUY.
( LAUGHTER ) WHERE IS HE FROM?
I CAN'T PLACE THAT ACCENT.
OTHER NEWS CHANNELS MADE TRUMP GRUMPY, WHAT WITH THEIR
INFORMATION AND ALL, SO SOURCES SAY THAT NOW HIS MEDIA DIET IS
"MAINLY A COMPLETE DOSAGE OF FOX."
YES, A COMPLETE DOSAGE OF FOX ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE: DECREASED WORLDVIEW, VERBAL
DIARRHEA, AND LOU DOBB'S DISEASE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) IF YOUR TUCKER CARLSON LASTS
MORE THAN FOUR HOURS, IT'S BECAUSE HE'S A DICK.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HE'S A GOOD GUY.
YOU WOULD LIKE HIM.
HE'S A GOOD GUY.
YOU SHOULD MEET HIM.
BUT PEOPLE CLOSE TO TRUMP ARE WORRIED ABOUT WHAT MAINLINING
FOX MIGHT BE DOING TO HIM.
ONE FORMER TRUMP WHITE HOUSE OFFICIAL SAID THAT TRUMP, FOX,
AND HANNITY ARE IN "A (BLEEP)-UP FEEDBACK LOOP.
WHAT ENDS UP HAPPENING IS JUDGE JEANINE OR HANNITY FILL HIM U
WITH A BUNCH OF CRAZY (BLEEP), AND EVERYONE ON STAFF HAS TO GO
AND KNOCK DOWN ALL THE ( BLEEP ) FIRES THEY STARTED."
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, THE CHAOS OF THIS
ADMINISTRATION MAKES MORE SENSE, IF THEY THINK YOU PUT OUT FIRES
BY KNOCKING THEM DOWN.
( LAUGHTER ) "THERE'S A FIRE!
QUICK EVERYONE PUNCH IT AND KICK IT!
PUSH THE FIRE OVER!
THIS IS HURTING ME.
AH, I'M ON FIRE.
STOP PUSHING ME."
( PIANO RIFF ) STOP IT!
STOP IT!
I'M FINE!
STOP IT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THE SAME ARTICLE ALSO DISCUSSED HANNITY'S DAILY ROUTINE,
INCLUDING HIS TWO HOURS OF STREET MARTIAL ARTS, AND IT GOES
ON TO SAY THAT APPLYING THE TERM "KARATE" TO HIS WORKOUTS GREATLY
AGITATES HIM.
SEAN, JUST SAY IT'S KARATE.
YOU SOUND LIKE A 12-YEAR-OLD.
"MOM, IT'S NOT KARATE, IT'S MIXED-MARTIAL-NU-JITSU.
ALSO, CAN YOU DRIVE ME TO MIXED MARTIAL NU-JITSU?
( LAUGHTER ) SENSAI NEIL GETS MAD IF WE'RE
LATE."
"THEN I DON'T GET ORANGE SLICES.
NO MERCY.
SWEEP THE LEG ."
( APPLAUSE ) WHY WOULD SEAN HANNITY GET
AGITATED BY THE TERM KARATE?
HE'S A KARATE MASTER AND HIS KARATE SURE IS KARATE.
I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS KARATE-MAN KARATE!
KARATE, KARATE, KARATE.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW I KNOW WHY YOU'RE NOT
SUPPOSED TO TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB-- IT'S REALLY EMBARRASSING.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ANTHONY ANDERSON.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )