- Somebody told me once that was like,
"Oh, you walk into the room, like, tits first."
Like that's the first thing people notice about you
is that you have like huge boobs.
And I was like, "Wow, that is so disrespectful."
And for you to say that's the first thing you notice,
like that is devastating to me.
- Your body is not the first thing that I ever see
or recognize when you walk into a space.
- Thank you. - And I hate
that someone said that to you.
I just wanted to affirm that you are just a beautiful being
in general in energy and in body,
and I don't want you to feel like you're subjected
to what those people have said to you.
- Thank you, Cloud. - You're welcome.
Love you. (laughs) - We're besties.
(all laughing)
- Hi!
- Hey!
- What is a myth that you realize from porn
that's, like, it doesn't actually apply to the real world?
Like what was something
- You know what myth was busted for me?
Is like it being easy.
(all laughing) Like especially
when like penetration comes into play.
Like, you know, even in movies, it's like,
"Oh I'm just gonna put you up on this counter,"
and boom, now it's thrusting.
I'm like... (all laughing)
Like in the beginning,
I really felt like that's how it should have been.
And obviously, very soon I realized that yeah,
that's not how it happens.
And I think that even in like having to like do things,
I get embarrassed.
I'm like, "Oh, I'm blushing," just,
but we're naked together right now,
like why am I feeling embarrassed?
That like we have to figure out what works for our bodies.
But like that's a big myth that was busted for me.
- In some versions of porn,
like only seeing specific storylines play out.
We're only seeing
like ways where it doesn't really look like
the woman is completely having a good time
or that their pleasure is not being prioritized.
Like things like that,
it can really mess with your mind and mess with your idea
of what your sexual experiences are supposed to be.
And I feel like seeing a lot of that sort of content first
definitely affected me in my own life when it came,
you know, when it was time for me to have sex
because then it was like
I had all of these really skewed expectations
of how I was supposed to be treated.
- So many of us learn about sex through porn,
and I think as we're recognizing this,
it's important to talk about porn literacy.
How do we read porn,
as maybe made like kind of like an action movie?
You know, like there's so much
that we don't actually get. (Dr. Lexx laughs)
Like we might just be getting like the action shot,
and you're not getting
like that people signed consent forms beforehand,
or that they got testing beforehand,
or that they negotiated the scene with their partners.
Developing that that porn literacy can be really important
to undoing some of the messages we may be getting
from mainstream porn. (alarm ringing)
- Oh, is it 5:30?
I'm Sorry,
that's my birth control. (all laughing)
(alarm ringing)
- You've got it, Elijah.
- I'm sorry.
It's off now.
(all laughing)
For the past like year, I was single.
And then like the year before that,
I was like only dating women,
and so I hadn't needed birth control.
And so very recently, I started like taking it again.
For me, birth control is a way for me
to like really take charge
of like what's happening in my own body.
So what are ways that you, for both of you,
like what are ways that you're like constructing your ideas
of like safety and like the things that make you feel good,
and the things that make you feel
like you're in control and creating the kind of culture
that you want to see around you?
- I don't wanna be like too heavy, but as both of you know,
my first sexual experience was not voluntary.
So now that I have a partner,
and I, you know, am in control
and like can consent and participate
in these sexual experiences,
I think it's really important for me and for others
to feel comfortable speaking up
about what they like and don't like.
And specifically if you like want to stop at any point.
But there's a lot of pressure
on the idea that like if you start,
you can't stop until you reach like a certain goal
or like, you know, that sex begins,
and then it just goes all the way until it ends,
and there's no breaks, there's no pauses.
Like I was having sex recently,
and it was a little too rambunctious.
I needed to breathe.
I literally, I was like "Hold up, stop."
- It's really important to talk about the things
that we've see in our regular media,
especially with these bodies being black bodies.
And not seeing black bodies depicted,
one, in differing ways, but often seen them hypersexualized.
So big boobs, small waist, big butt.
That's what you're supposed to have.
And if you don't have that, you're considered less than.
But also if you don't enjoy those things,
something's wrong with you.
If you don't hype up that femininity and that sexiness,
then you're discardable, and you're not valuable.
- What was the moment for you when you realize
that instead of being they slash she
or trying to kind of have the other ones
still slightly attached to you
that you just dropped them completely and was like,
"I understand like they is who I am,
this is what I wanna do?"
- I just remember like being so young
and like always being corrected around who I was
and how people were supposed to perceive me.
And so like my mom would be like,
"You need to be more dainty.
Like, "You need to be more graceful."
And like graceful and dainty are just so far away
from what you would ever describe me as.
Like I realized it was not grace
that I was trying to channel, it was womanhood.
And I was like, "I shouldn't have to try to be a woman.
I should not have to try to be this thing."
- That's so me. (Elijah laughs)
That was definitely me up until like
when I just got my breast reduction last month.
My mom was asking me after surgery was over
and I was looking in the mirror,
and I started crying, and she was like,
"Oh like is it a hard adjustment to look in the mirror
and see what you see now?"
And I'm like, "No, I'm crying
because this is what I always saw in my mind."
Like this is what I am supposed to look like.
This is like such a better,
it represents me and like my gender better.
So what I was seeing before was actually wrong.
And I'm like, "Ah, just, dysphoria cured.
Like it was just like (Cloud laughs)
a really great moment.
- I'm so happy for you.
- Thank you. I'm like, "That was my aha moment."
It was literally like last month. (chuckles)
But no, I feel so much better in my body now.
- When we think about the sex education of tomorrow,
what do we want it to include?
- I am, like I've been a person who,
just like we were talking about earlier
with like watching porn, I think that that really,
like one of the things that stuck in my head was the idea
that like sex always finishes with something.
And it's like something big.
And so, I think that for me,
I just had to like take a second,
step back and be like,
"Wait, that's not how it feels for me.
That's not the reaction that I'm having.
That's not what's going on in my head or in my body."
And so, like once I allowed myself
to like really think about what I was actually feeling,
then I could have fun during sex.
'Cause like before that point I was just like performing.
Like I was like, "I'm on a stage."
- If you're kind of in a abstinence only type environment,
which is like where I came from,
it's like they're not gonna tell you about that.
They don't want you to know that it's supposed to feel good.
They're just like, "No, it's about like babies and stuff."
So I feel like having like queer sex ed
that really talks about the anatomy of pleasure,
I think that would be really helpful.
- If we had a pleasure inclusive lens,
like a queer inclusive lens,
we could avoid so much discomfort and suffering.
Let's talk to people
the way we're actually experiencing sex.
- I so appreciate being able to meet you,
witness all of your stories.
So thank you for that.
- Honestly, just being in your space
makes me feel empowered.
- Aw! - And so I just-
- Oh, there it goes. - thank you.
(all laughing)
- [Dr. Lexx] Rolling box of tissue.
(all laughing)
- Thank you, Elijah. - Thank you!
- One, two, three, yes.
(gentle upbeat music)